Part 3 of 9
TW: Suicide

I’m warning you now that this is where things will take a darker turn, but know that I’m holding your hand along the way. Because it deals with death.

The idea of yours.

Despite what I said the end of the last entry, entertainment wasn’t the only thing keeping you alive. It was the fear of the unknown.

The fear of being found by any of your family members on the floor, or even in your room after not hearing from you for days. You’re not even fully open about these feelings until you meet someone that will have their own entry later.

But you are no stranger to the thought. It’ll creep in throughout the years in different ways for different and repetitive reasons.

The biggest ones are that you feel as if no one around you is worth sharing this with. You have been frequently disappointed at most people’s lack of being told things in confidence, and that’s a fact which is a lot closer than you think and yet to know.

The rage felt towards this will add up, and you’ll find any other way to vent properly. And it’s going to be a long time before you consider going to a therapist.

“Opting out” is something that will affect you on the outside as well. One person’s choice to end will mean more to your beliefs about this than anyone. Yet, it doesn’t stop those thoughts from happening. The circumstances leading to that choice can vary, but those fears I mentioned are enough to think differently. For a time.

But there will be joyous reasons to stick around too. Things that will make the happiness you have now pale once compared to what’s coming.

But before that comes, know that you deserve the right to be heard without judgment, or to not have any of your words used against you later.

You deserve a hug from people that you know won’t hurt you. People that will correct themselves when they’ve done you wrong.

You deserve to be listened to by people that aren’t eager to speak after, or against you.

You’ll find them through a healthy mix of cut-offs, whether or not you do it first. And you have a long list of them to go. Who you’re linked with now won’t be with you for long.

But you deserve to be safe, and to not have triggers by the endless possibilities between the Sources. And they are the reason you feel, and will always feel the need to have their potential cut-offs be the most significant ones of all.

D.F.

Part 2, Part 4