(Updated 11/26/2023)

Sometimes, I’ve scared myself.

The more I learned about narcissism and toxicity, the more I woke up about the traits that I put into my own life. Never mind who I learned it from. I’ve discussed it a few times in the past.

I even think about now, where the simplest comments can have hidden layers of getting what I think I want or need from someone. No matter how trivial or vital, it’s like I want anything I say to lead towards my satisfaction.

I could even risk discarding the provider once they met my need.

I’m certain that for as long as it took me to internalize the negative effects it has on others, I did this. In fact, I know I have, and have often felt the karmic response quickly.

This led me to reminders on how bad I’ve felt in responses to my past behaviors. As well as how I feel when I almost say something that would even invite those thoughts, or inspire provision from a would-be target. I think of how bad it was to have realized that in multiple relationship styles.

It’s a constant checking of myself on not repeating what worked on me for decades. To some ways, even now.

What the inspirations of those actions were for me, I would hate to do that to anyone else. And if I asked even one friend in particular if they felt I tried to talk them into something uncomfortable, I would dread yet accept the answer. Only because I know I would make sure it never happened again to anyone, old or new.

Hating these feelings seems to be my proof that I’m still nothing like the guilty parties, or more importantly my old self. I may never know if they feel remorse after they’ve duped anyone like I would or do, and chances are they feel it at some point.

That’s not my business.

They’ve gained enough of my energy, and these last few months have given me time to reclaim it for myself.

I’m the one that matters here. I’m the one thing I can control. Not just in preventing toxic societal and generational mimicry. But by limiting or stopping their lack of empathy from making me equal or worse than them.

D.F