(Note: This is technically a two-parter. Part two premiers this Wednesday.)

Sometimes I catch myself in one heavy feeling. I hate that I’m the one that’s still here, not for lack of trying to get away from the triangulation that I had become adjusted to in previous seasons.

Losing thousands of dollars to stay in a place wrapped in nearly every form of abuse that can be imagined, when it could have been set to be free from it all.

Hearing complaints disguised as advice about assisting here and there, while secretly managing your own wellness to get to the life that I’ll eventually have.

And knowing that when I’m gone from this place, so long as I’m in close range, they’ll always find a way to make me the scapegoat.

The rage is valid. Its application though, must be controlled.

And sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I finally lost it. Then I remind myself of what’s been built and what I’ve reclaimed. Those things that I wanted for years, but never had the time or courage to do it.

Another reason that stops me, is not wanting fake victims to play off being real ones. They’ve won for so long, and I know they don’t deserve it anymore. Does this mean my own peaceful win will be huge enough to damage their streak?

I hope so.

All that I’ve learned and shared on here has done me well in a number of fields. Whatever it’s leading to in the long run must be the grandest victory I could ever have over these people I’ve shared too much with. People that don’t deserve my new definition of love, respect, and peace.

And that’s why it hurts to still be here. Despite all my efforts to leave for good, and because I’m the only one that wants a break from the status quo, that is why.

I shake at the idea of who I would have been if I didn’t start writing all of this out. Keeping it in and exploding it in a way that would shatter everything I’ve wanted, and most of it I have (again).

And some days, it’s easy to chill that fire.

Some.

Again, the rage is valid. It’s the application that determines my future.

D.F.