The first week of August had some serious revelations come to me about something I had known, but never fully processed until I was forced to. All thanks to a possible misunderstanding on my end regarding money, a topic that will always spark the worst in certain people.

I’ll spare the details, but it was a situation that I can claim responsibility for. What still upsets me the most about it is that this is another reminder of one-sided accountability. The type that will and could eat me alive if I let it.

A few things did come to mind to help ease those thoughts and others linked to it. Like scapegoating, being the insecurity/trauma dump, and more.

First is that these people will never change. No matter who they hurt, and how close those hurt people are, their comfort lies in seeing success in who they chose to be. Expecting change even on a minimal level is best left towards what we’re doing for ourselves.

Second is that trying to understand why they are like this is still not out business. Even if there are clues and stories tied to the answers, our fight to not repeat their mistakes and our own, and that means more than they’ll ever understand.

The biggest one is something that I’ll first say that this can apply to anyone regardless of your religious beliefs, if any.

Rev. T.D. Jakes put it best that “the greater the attack, the greater the blessing.” That hit well for the disclosed moment, the feelings that it stirred, and will continue to hit deeper as I look back at other times this could apply.

I’ll always praise the people that are physically far, yet emotionally closer than too many people because of that last point alone. It’s exhausting, sad, yet promotes a form of compassion that can only come from believing I deserve better, and can give better than what I have before.

And I’ll do everything I can to celebrate that openly, while motivating others to find that in themselves. Anything but dwelling in the misery the others often project.
D.F.