Note: This is longer than I had planned, but it’s all connected, as usual 🙂

Imagine being years removed from a relationship and learning new reasons why you’d never have one like that again.

Not because of what went on in your relationship, but because your ideas of love and romance were based on toxic family upbringing, and having an undeniable connection to it.

Let’s start with the family ties. Life has its ups and downs with them, and they are often have sharp inclines and declines with the parents. They get bad enough that one files for divorce because the other was legitimately not a nice person.

Not saying the divorcer was a saint, but moving on…

The couple have kids together, grown enough to exist with and for them in different capacities. Each of them are eventually asked by the divorcer about their ex’s love life, down to asking if they’re still dating specific people. The kids may have varied answers, but it still begs to question “why do you need to know?”

Now imagine being one of those kids. You get into a relationship that lasts long enough to reflect on times where both of you were trash, yet yours was put on display more often.

Things come to an end on their word, and in the time of separation, you realize how much of your issues with them were based on your upbringing. Believing in a kind of connection that kept you latched to people that were far from friendly or loving in any way.

And even with that, there’s still loose connections between you and your ex.

That’s when you lean from one of those connections that said ex, who was repeatedly passionate about moving on with their life, was asking one of your friends about you. All because they saw you enjoying life and looking not as bothered by the loss.

Not saying you weren’t.

Besides, if you were in a place to be seen like that with strangers/new friends having a great time, the last thing you want is to spread your pain onto them. For all you know, they’re doing the same as you.

And eventually, in a quiet moment to yourself, even after you’ve gained a new definition of love in your life, you notice something.

The parent/divorcer and your own ex really were alike in behavior. It might be easier to notice because your continued tie with the parent has you still being asked about their ex and their partner.

And isn’t it great when you learn how much of that is none of your business? Not just because, by right, it’s not or shouldn’t be if bonds are like that. But let’s say that you’ve mastered the art of keeping distance that your own ex failed to.

If not mastered, at least tamed it so you won’t go into a thought process of “if they’re looking me up, might as well see what they’re about. Then we’re even!”

Yeah. Don’t do that to yourself.

You’ve endured a lot with these kinds of people in your life, and your experience with it will help you achieve progressive goals. The kind that their behaviors can risk distracting you from if you continue to let them.

Don’t be surprised if you find yourself helping others sort out their relationship issues because you see your former faults in their (possibly) future ex. Like a former villain using their experiences to help actual heroes and victims, perhaps also a way to redeem themselves as well.

Do your best to use your history as the platform for what you know is right for your future. The bad things we can’t undo or wish we avoided should not hold us back from becoming better people. For ourselves, and for others.

D.F.