Have you ever known someone that isn’t excited about their birthday because they feel too old or cynical about the event?

Have you ever been, or are that person?

As I’m writing this entry days before my own birthday, part of me is somewhere in-between joy and discomfort.

The discomfort comes from the invasive thoughts inspired by people that have a history of judgment about what I’ve done and doing for myself. Even when I share what I am laser-focused on, some will say that their own goals, ideas, and demands should matter more. I would still proceed with what I want, but not at the same strength as I did before I would coddle their needs.

I didn’t know how to create a balance that could satisfy both of us, or all of us. I gave into servitude, obedience, and silence to far too many people many times. Too often I felt like I stunted my own growth to have my own space the way others have, whether they have life partners or not.  

I was in variations of survival mode.

I was taking the joyous moments as they came. It was only a matter of time before the emotional breakdowns would happen because I let the metaphoric leash be tugged again. All while trying to tame the brain to do what was needed to get what I wanted.

Some things that I still want to this day.

But then there’s the joy of it. Between my last birthday and this one, the accomplishments that came from persistence, dedication, and self-control increased in areas that were ignored because I got settled in survival modes.

Some of those old habits were fused with what new things I was doing for myself. The writing, the self-education with mental health, aggressive job searching, all while managing to stay creative on an entertaining level.

All of that made things easier to not only realize that I can maintain a balance of serving myself and others, but to also know how and where to make myself a priority the most.

It’s been a long road to control that, and it’s not without its old anxieties about how people will react when they know what I’ve done “behind their backs,” as I’m guessing they’ll see it.  Not that I should care, anyway.

Sometimes you must be open about your personal growth however you choose to do it. Not everyone is meant to understand why you’re doing it or what brought you to do so. But the people that matter are the ones that see you continue to change for the better. They’ll celebrate you with the same smile as they do on your birthday, and on the days in between the last one and next.    

Whether it’s getting a promotion or learning to drink water first thing in the morning, you deserve to celebrate anything you’ve achieved to better your present and future. It’s a gift that will never get old, no matter how old you are, or will be.

D.F.