Category: Mental health

Warm Bodies

October 31st, 2022

The dating environment has thankfully transformed over the years. Not just in how to do it, but in what’s no longer tolerated by individuals, and even more in society. While there are still opponents who celebrate the “old ways” of being a one nighter or a rebound, they are quick to put a target on their backs for those that support and practice respectable actions.

To a certain point, there is a one-stop method for dating someone, but each one that I can name can vary based on the quality of person you’re looking for. It really comes down to whether you’re looking for “fast food” satisfaction, or a gourmet meal for the body and soul.

Then you have the people that are eager to hook someone up. This can be inspired by many things, like the would-be matchmaker seeing a potential connection between the two. Works great if they’re not being weird or pushy about it.

Others may do it to live vicariously through someone else’s bliss, which could be harmless, but can also risk that matchmaker to ignore other means to put joy (back) into themselves, versus feeding off others.

My favorite type of connection has been the one you don’t see coming. The kind where you’re friendly with someone and feel a respectable platonic bond. Until a series of events leads you two to kiss the night away, and many more afterwards.

During those times, you grow closer in mind and spirt, making physical intimacy feel stronger than anything you’ve ever had before. When both parties are growing in similar ways in their separate lives, that natural connection is unbeatable, regardless of various factors like age, status, race, and more.

You also have to be careful with who you crush on. Make sure those feelings aren’t from some trauma bond-based desire for someone unavailable, no matter how many ways you two click. No two hearts work the same way, and you can’t or shouldn’t claim you love someone if you don’t respect their romantic rejection, which will not beat their love of you being “found family.” Doing the opposite of that can leave you lonelier than one’s ego will admit to, and the last things us healing folk want to do it mimic the root sources of our pain.

For a bit of bluntness, if someone isn’t willing to do the inner work and assume that someone’s life would be better with a romantic partner, check them if they do that in your face. I’ve brought this type of thing up in a slightly different way, but still rings well in broader senses.

The heart, in all of its ways, is constantly being tested through all of our past and present connections. With dating, it should be approached with care and respect, while honoring what others feel about it in their own lives.

Never settle for what is less than you’ve grown to desire, no matter who or how many dare to shame you for it. Because the one that is right for you, especially yourself, would never do that to you.
Scream

October 26th, 2022

There are many ways we can de-stress about things that bother us. It can be in any form of art (drawing, writing, dancing, etc.), or exercise (cleaning, weightlifting, running, etc.), and other ways that deserve discussion, in time.

But when was the last time you grabbed something soft to scream into?

I don’t remember for myself, but not only did it hurt to talk for a while, but it helped. The reason I did it is lost to me, but guaranteed it’s based on anything that I first started this blog on. *

There are so many points in our lives that bring us to the point of yelling at anything and anyone without a filter. It can lead to hurtful things that can’t be repaired easily or taken back once done.

That can apply to material and verbal action, which reminds me of the crumpled paper analogy. If you’re new to it, it’s when you ball a paper up, then smooth it out, aware that it’ll never be the same shape after being put through such stress.

Fortunately, crafty creatives of all types can work with the wrinkles and the damage.

There are still those times in-between or outside the ways to calm down. Where those choices aren’t readily available, or even when they are, they’re not enough. It doesn’t mean they don’t work, it can mean that you your ways are requesting backup. And sometimes that involves giving your vocal chords some action.

Be ready for the physical pain and tears that could follow. The overwhelming desire to have someone hold you close as you recover, or hold something when all you have is yourself.

Hugging yourself is another wonderful means, because there’s that part of you that was so deeply hurt and unheard, and the only person who gets you and comfort you is you.

This goes especially for those of us who’ve been on the healing path for a good time now, only to have an extra layer of the trauma appear that wasn’t explored before. They can sneak up on you at the most inconvenient times, and can lead to the immediate choice to scream right in that moment.

No one deserves to live with so much stress and anxiety winding up in them. You deserve to detox with a good vocal cooldown. You owe it to yourself to find that inner peace, and it’s important to never do it to anyone that doesn’t deserve it. Even the ones that do aren’t worth your time.

Judgment for those moments can last longer than the time it may or will take you to realize how bad that was. Which reminds me of another statement, how a second of calming down can prevent a lifetime of regret.

With that said, please scream responsibly.
Memento

October 24th, 2022

Something I’ve imagined being asked about this blog is “who are you doing this for?” Some of the other W’s would fit here, but there’s an answer for them.

I do it for the part of me that others wanted to keep buried. The ones that claim they love you until you call them out to their face about their faults, especially ones that multiple people can confirm.

I do it for people that need the jumpstart to do the same by any means, so long as it doesn’t cause harm. I’m not so self-centered to believe I’m the only one that can, but for those close to me, perhaps it will to them, too. It’s also okay if it’s not because of me, too.

I’m speaking to the parts of me that are tired of the repetitions in my head of times I was/am emotionally abused by people that may still feel it’s the only way to live, ignoring their decaying within themselves, and their victims.

I also love the idea of having many of these deeper thoughts left behind of me. Something to state that everything I’ve even said, felt, and done, had meaning to it. That nothing was in vain, no matter how selfish or ignorant I was in younger, submissive days.

And I do it to say “thank you,” both in words and action. Thank you for listening to me, and sometimes advising me how to show that I’m not only thankful, but in cases truly mean that apology that’s either hard to say or won’t be heard.

Not everyone who questions your motives is doing so out of potential judgment or ridicule. Those that do are often scared of being the source of your commentary, which leads to a classic line, “if it hurts you, it’s about you.”

The other side is okay, whether they’re your cheerleaders, or advocating better mental and/or spiritual health. Some will be both. So long as the work is done, and it doesn’t stop there.

And it’ll be a long time before I stop, too.
The Purge

October 19th, 2022

Have you noticed how stressed the toxic sociopaths have been lately? They see that there’s more people waking up and speaking out about their experiences of passive aggression, gaslighting, and everything related to their group.

They will do their best to maintain the narrative that they are the “real victims” and “true heroes.” They’ll lean in on like-minded people to support or even buy into their views, Even get new ideas on how to keep them in control and divided, so they can sleep right while the rest of us falsely blame each other.

It’s almost similar to what we’re doing for each other, in the name of healing from their behavior. Only they are louder, make those living off of ratings and clickbait even happier, leaving us to do the same while holding onto our integrity.

It’s just like a narcissist to use one’s means to heal to keep the wounds fresh. Mastering the art of being quiet until they strike without warning and celebrate another victory over you. Eyes of a toxic storm.

How long can someone like that go in life without feeling the need to change? Politics and entertainment can confirm that there’s no age limit, and the strength of the consequences can vary, if they come at all. But as history has shown their means of preservation, the rest of us who choose to heal and inspire have shown progression right next to them.

As it goes though, they believe their fatigue is more important than ours.

What about ours?

What lengths will they go to so they can make sure the song “Eat the Rich” isn’t taken literally? Not that all of them are swimming in money, but a target is on them all the same.

On the other side, what lengths will you travel to keep your momentum in being better than them? No matter the art form or platform you choose, keep going and praise who’s coming with you.

It’s all the more reason to stay educated, organized, and ready to pass on our knowledge and assurance of safety. Especially in a world where we’re shamed and denied that all too often.
The Contender

October 17th, 2022

Healing is something that many people are walking towards these days. Those who are tired of the repetition and drama their patterns started. People who aren’t afraid of doing the shadow work, the bare knuckled combat with the demons they submitted to for decades.

Sometimes they win a round. They feel that in another defeat, you’ll let them rule over you again.

Until you spit in your bucket, adjust your gloves, get up, and whisper “no.”

Whether they run or square back up, keep swinging. Keep defending.

When they’re down, shout who you’re representing. Add a cuss word or phrase afterwards, to let them know you’re serious.

Okay, you don’t have to do that, but hopefully the suggestion made you laugh a bit.

Enjoy your day!
Us

October 12th, 2022

Sometimes, we catch ourselves questioning our past choices.

Mostly the bad ones that left us attached to people and places for longer than our comforts preferred.

For every time we do that, we have to remind ourselves that life is a series of choices that are based on the intellect we had in those moments. What we do with that awareness will determine the course of our lives.

Whether we fold into the false world of peace, or move towards a better definition of it.

If we let the past stop us, or propel us.

How we use our experiences to advise, and how to prevent yourself from stopping.

What smiles and tears you choose to share and motivate others to do the same.

When we choose ourselves, over choosing other’s needs.

Why we heal the child and (young) adult within, despite other’s wishes to keep those spirits sedated.

Who we save a seat for, and who to leave behind.

This is a life filled with opportunities and support for those of us that have walked the hard paths, and kept walking no matter what hurts. As we do it for ourselves, we thank others that wish to follow and cheer us on.

We cheer them on as well for doing the same, and making a life around it.

And we honor those that lost their way, or gone before they could continue, but never lost our love for the time we shared in this world.

None of us are alone. All of us are loved.

Never forget that.

I’ll make sure I won’t, either.
Watcher

October 10th, 2022

TW: Stalking, Assault

Over ten years ago, there was an educational year about privacy.

One situation involved a person we’ll call Rei. It began over unrequited feelings that I expressed. This led to an intricate display of nonsense that you’d expect from high-schoolers, when nearly everyone involved, including myself, was in their mid to late twenties. Not that it excuses much, since there’s people older than me now acting even worse.

Meanwhile, another became more serious. Indirectly involving me and my mother, all over a woman my father dated post-separation that stalked the both of us, on top of nearly taking his life as well. He did little to nothing to take our claims or his assault seriously. We’ll call this one Debbie.

I’m reminded of these two events often. The Debbie one more than the Rei one, seeing as she was a potential physical threat to my entire family. Both have generated their feelings of mistrust towards anyone that felt similar to all parties involved on both sides.

On the flip side, it’s also made me upset at those that declared me paranoid over things unrelated, but triggering the memories.

No one asks for PTSD over anything or anyone. Discrediting their feelings can almost be as bad, or even worse, than the sources of said trauma. It’s why when someone shares anything heavy about their past, hear them out. If there’s a reason to disbelieve them, look deep into yourself about why, and sometimes it may not have to do with any lack of trust built from others you’ve been around.

When it’s come to disbelief at my claims, I’ve let others do that to me for too long. Their access is now limited, or denied indefinitely.

To this day, there are key moments of Debbie’s malic that resurface in other’s actions. Ones that are best left to discuss with my therapist again, given more recent reminders dragged out through him.

Speaking of, Debbie is still out there. The connection depth between her and dad is unknown, but word is they still run into each other at random places, and carry on as if she almost didn’t do something worse.

Too often, I wonder what it’d have been like if she taught him all the way. Given the hints a friend of his has given, someone might.

At least with the Rei matter, I ended that with my then-sense of willpower. There were a lot of steps I had to take before then, which can lead to another entry.

For now, all I’ll say is to be careful out there. Social media alone has made it easier to hunt people down, regardless if they know each other. I don’t know if I can end on a lighter note this time, but thank you for reading.
Mimic

October 7th, 2022

(Edited 1/24/2023)

You can learn a lot about yourself when you’ve lived with a narcissist or toxic person long enough. Their traits become yours, directly or coincidentally.

If at all, it even takes a long time for some to realize that they’ve been victim to their own ills, the ones they openly say they hate in others. After all, they say “you hate the thing you are.”

When you do that inner work, you must sit and think of the pain you gave people. Not because of the influences you absorbed and reflected, but because of your own lack of morals and respect at those times.

Sometimes the fear kicks in about “what if they found about this part of my past, despite my changes?” It’s a valid question, as in recent years, more people on a private and public sector are quickly, and often permanently shamed for their pasts.

That fits better for those that feel no remorse for their actions, and continue living their lives because of their twisted adaptability.

The rest of us? Part of us may feel we deserve it. We may even think, “if they’re being that critical about me, what are they hiding about themselves?” If you fear that, then consider it a good sign of change. It’s one of many great ways of remaining the opposite of who you almost became.

Besides, not all of us may get, or culturally/racially afford, that luxury to come at them the same way. Just do your best to walk in your current truth, instead of living in the past truth the way the critics, or even hypocrites, want to.

I also know how easy it is, and can be to slip into familiar toxic habits and people, especially when they provided false safety in a world like ours.

That’s not you anymore. Not if you’re like me and smiling over getting this far to either read or share experiences to help others.

D.F.
Dawn of the Dead

October 5th, 2022

One thing sometimes overlooked about the healing journey is that you find people you cut off trying to reconnect with you. The scenarios prior to that decision can come flooding in, and you may wonder “what’s going on in their life that they thought coming back was suddenly okay?”

The old ways, which to some extent are still here, involved reuniting in person, either by chance, or by something hosted by a mutual friend. They may say something that they’ll hope will ping your interest in reconnecting, and for some of us, it works. Only to be reminded of the reasons you ended the connection, with bonus features exclusive to the trauma.

Then you have the social media way, often combined with the in-person one. A friend request or page following, which thankfully can be countered with a block or restriction. And for me, the question remains “why?” Especially when I was clear on the reason(s) the split had to happen. And it took a lot to do that much on multiple occasions, especially one face-to-face at an old job.

If you were unclear on the reason you wanted to split because of your own strength of communication, or even because you know presenting evidence won’t solve anything, that’s fine. Some of us aren’t built to express how they were hurt by another’s actions, which led to the choice.

And sometimes, silence is all they deserve.

Let’s flip things around. What do you do when you’re the one cut off?

Are you someone that just takes the loss as a chance for someone new to fill their void? Even if someone does, do you still wonder why that former connection did it, assuming they didn’t give you a reason? If so, I’d say it’s because you may fear losing the new people over the same thing or things you may have done.

But if they gave you one, and you’re in a place of accountability, then it’s a chance to change your ways for the good. Because there are others that hear what they did and know how to hide their mess, so the new people never leave them. And if you’ve lived with and around people like that the way I have, you’ll know better than to repeat that trend.

Take it from someone that’s been like that, and often fear they still could be.
The Invitation

October 3rd, 2022

(Title theme of the month: Horror movies/freestyle)

The importance of knowing who you can vent to cannot be stressed enough. Not just to your therapist if you have one. The people that you know can take in what you want or need to say about your life.

These are the people that hold you up and glue you back together while you wait on your next appointment. If given the opportunity, they get to hear that they’re doing so for you.

What’s equally important is that you ask if they’re in a place to hear you vent. And not just someone to vent to, but to be a willing listener.

Info dumping on some heavy issues without clearance can lead the audience to hesitate wanting to talk with you at most points, or even dare to ask “how are you doing?” Which most times, if they’re asking that, they should either be ready for an abridged take on your feelings, or something that will make War and Peace look like a pamphlet.

And it’s also okay to be cautious in asking if they’re emotionally available to hear you. Mostly because you’ve had people say they will listen, but show in their own ways they regret doing it. Avoiding you is a popular sign, or even triggering when you think someone else may be there for you until they’re away from you.

All the more reason to ask, first. If they say no, try not to put them in the same boxes as those that showed legitimate apathy.

We are all fighting something that we are constantly learning how to speak up about, learn how to counterattack the negative thoughts, or afraid to even put up a boundary or take the first swing on.

The ones that truly care for you will always say anything to the effect of “I’m not in a place to hear you right now, but know that I love you, and care for you.” It means something when they’re in a special place in their life to state this. It’s also a great way to say that when they’re ready, they want and need you to be around to speak your truth.

Be sure you do the same for others if you’re in the opposite part of that exchange. There’s a lot more peace in that than most people will realize, and both sides will unknowingly heal from anyone that’s done the opposite.