Category: Mental health

Guardians

December 11th, 2023

Follow-up to The Big Hit.

The right parents will look at their children and say “what hurts me from my past and present will not be put onto you. I will love you and everything you do that does not bring harm to anyone, including yourself.

“I won’t let your dreams and focus be redirected to meet my needs. You’ll never have to fear opening up to me about how you’re doing, why you’re doing something, who you choose to identify as, and what your heart calls for the most.

“Most importantly, letting me know whenever I’ve hurt you. Tell me what I did wrong to you, so that I change myself for the better, versus knowing so I can hide it better from others, while changing the tone of my voice to bring you down.”

“As a parent, I want my relationship with you to be a positive and lasting template. One which you safely choose the right friends, associates, and romantic partners, should you choose to have any.

“I refuse to gossip and degrade you for not having a romantic connection at any point. I refuse to shame you for not giving me grandchildren in that same energy. If those times never come, you’ll be loved no matter what.

“As your parent, I hope you remember me for the good times. To also remember the times where you were taught why something you did was wrong, without causing you emotional or physical harm you’ll never forget.

“I want to give you things without questioning if I’ll guilt you into caring for my needs later on. When I give you something, it will be a honest gift, not a disguised transaction.

“In total, I want to be the parent to you that I never had. Even if they tried without me knowing it, or me even believing it, what they’ve done is enough to help me give you the love that I deserved. ”

D.F.
You Light Up My Life

December 8th, 2023

Follow-up to The Dark Half. CW: S-ic-d-, Language.

I was still learning how to write out my feelings at this time, so talking about this topic early on was a challenge.

To some points it still is.

Too many people have their right to feel uneasy about self-harm. Even if it’s not to end it all, it’s right to be careful about this topic. Some of us have known people that “opted out,” others hide that they’ve considered it mutiple times.

I’ve been both.

I’m still reminded of those days, and the brain likes to play around and confuse the past with how I could or should feel in the present. Thoughts tied to seasons where it felt like this was the only way to escape disappointment, shame, and regret.

I disagree with those ideas. When the disappointment and shame comes from people still hurting about their own past with those feelings, they get artful in how to stick onto you to feel a temporary peace in themselves.

They could care less about the war they left on you. They don’t want to be told about it either. With no outlets to trust, pill bottles, a kitchen knife, or a wrong turn into a ditch feel like the warm hug you’ve been missing.

Fuck that.

Their fight isn’t yours. Never will be. Even if you suggest that being near them is emotionally taxing, they’ll deflect as if you’re the problem.

You never were. And death, while it is a fast solution, it’s not the only one.

It’s great if you can live your life knowing it’s not an option at all, but like I said, it has its ways to creep up and mess with you a little. For me, more than when I wrote that old entry, better safeguards are in place.

Reminders of unconditional love being present and paramount in my life.

Accomplishments great and small that will always be worth celebrating.

People taking time out to tell you that they’re proud of you, cheering for you.

And being a reminder, an inspiration, and messenger of all three to others.

So, naturally if I’m not the one to cancel my subscription to “Life,” I’ll continue to speak life into others the way I learned how to do it for myself.

If you’ve (already) begun this for yourself, you know that some days are easier than others. Still, I don’t have to know your name to know that I believe in you the way I keep believing in me.

That’s the way it can be for more of us, and eventually all of us. One life at a time.

D.F.
The Calling

November 29th, 2023

You may not own your own home yet.

Your car, if you have one, may need more repairs than it’s actual worth.

Finances may be shakey because of a mix of life and lacking discipline.

Friendships and family ties are redefined for better or worse.

Your job (search) is giving you an unbelievable level of anxiety.

And romance, if desired, is either worth the wait, on the rocks, or a “four-letter-word.”

These are just a few things that we can all relate to, in a world where division is desired, and apathy appears more celebrated than compassion.

Yes, these things take time, self-control, trust in pure hearts and boundaries, more time, and a bit of everything mentioned here for all the the above to work out for the best.

None of us are alone on our battles. Even if we feel like it, practice looking in the mirror for a few seconds, and tell yourself “I love you.”

And it’s okay if you can’t right now. Someone will remind you in a way you won’t see coming.

Even if it’s as a small text saying “hi,” a fun video shared, or even a few dollars for comfort food, love is always close by.

The more you remind yourself of that, and allow others to remind you, the better things can become.

It’s worked and working for me, and I know they will for you, too.

D.F.
The Giving

November 24th, 2023

For those that observe Thanksgiving, how did you do?

Did you center yourself in the mix of any dog whistles and passive aggression?

Did you have any awkward silence with visiting family?

How many personal questions did you graciously dodge?

And if these questions are reminiscent of the barrage of ones received, my apologies.

This time of year brings out the strongest personalities to pick at people they declare weak. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve said that their opinions don’t matter, but there is something I had to remind myself of.

Some people went though something dark, maybe even repetitive. Something to make them think that their loved ones deserve to be talked to like broken toys or obedient pets, in a way they may have before you were even born.

They constantly seek adoration they never had. Power and control they always wanted, but was pushed onto them or stripped from them. If any of that is true, not only is it not their fault, it’s not your fight to take on so they can heal from it all.

You’ve made the steps needed to focus more on your generational strengths more than curses. Steps inspired by events outside holiday gatherings, where the toxic can prey on the healthy. The healthier you look, the harder they’ll try.

Remind yourself in those moments that you become stronger as they push and pull on your weaknesses. If it comes to a point where you reveal that to them, especially in the heat of a moment, I wish safety onto you.

This is a year-round battle we’re fighting here. You’re allowed to declare victory even before you see it yourself.

And you’re allowed to tasted it much sooner than the leftovers that will be breakfast and more for the next few days 😉

D.F.
Your Name

November 22nd, 2023

I spent a long life dealing with people that would call me outside of my name, often based on appearances. Regardless if they knew my name or not, there was always a level of arrogance, disrespect, and overall ignorance about it.

This goes even harder towards the people that I had spoken to about that, yet they remained comfortable with their labels and add-ons.

It was a long time before I adopted the mindset to let them be who they are, while honoring the same thing in me. Often it’s the healthiest way to let people realize why I don’t engage with them as much as they think I should.

I speak that same type of energy towards you.

Whether it’s your birth name, your new one, nicknames you’ve embraced or outgrown, and especially your pronouns, they deserve to be treated with respect.

If someone is identifying you in a way that no longer speaks to who you are, you have your options. Face them with their behaviors and hope for the best, or leave them in favor of yourself.

This is coming from someone that didn’t always honor that in people, even (former) friends, until I realized how much and how long that was hurting me in return.

Doesn’t matter how different the circumstances are. Pain is pain. In this and other cases, I learned how to stop giving it.

Don’t let someone’s harsh ideas of who they think you are stop you from knowing yourself, and who you’re meant to be. You are the one person that matters in that exchange, and most importantly your life.

D.F.
You Are There

November 17th, 2023

Imposter Syndrome, if not recognized as that, can be the end of so many dreams becoming reality.

The National Library of Medicine describes imposter syndrome as “…a behavioral health phenomenon described as self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among high-achieving individuals.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fallen into that. Some ways, I still do. It’s not fun to realize you’ve sold yourself short, long after you’ve left a room you were meant to be in because of your skills.

Even when I recognize I’ve done it again, I do my best to give myself the pep talk to celebrate yourself. Let them know that even if I’m a novice in comparison, it’s my uniqueness that will help me stand out more than I did before.

I’ve gotten better at not talking about what I don’t have, and instead celebrate that I’ve been doing something I’m passionate about, while being with others that may appreciate talking with someone fresh in their field.

But it’s also up to me to do what’s necessary to get in those rooms and events. Whether it’s by research or invites, I know what work I’ve put into my favorite things to discuss and focus on.

More people are noticing, and as of writing this line, I love it.

Mel Robbins once said something on the lines of “you only feel imposter syndrome in situations that you care about.” And the places I enjoyed that I talked myself down in, or even out of showing up to, were based on caring what other people thought, or would think of even showing (continued) interest in them.

Not so much, anymore.

But as far as this mental health journey goes, along with other plans to grow in this industry, I can’t act like I’m a novice in it again, or at all.

I will, however, hold the title of an eternal student in everything that interests me. There’s no faking that.

D.F.
Come Together

November 15th, 2023

A close friend and I talked a while ago about their newest journey into healthier habits in every category possible. But there was something they said that had a huge impact on both of us:

“I wasn’t broken because I was never fully assembled.”

It’s been weeks since hearing that, and it hits deep each time I think of it.

I relate to it for reasons that are explored in this blog’s life. It’s been about me trying to make sense of many things while reconstructing old though patterns. Ones that inspired self-destructive behaviors, some of which I recently corrected (again).

And like I said recently, I have to do my best to not hurt myself over mistakes and miseducated choices, past or present. I’m still learning how to be the person I wanted to be in seasons I rejected it in favor of pleasing other people’s egos.

It’s better to praise the inner reconstruction, than to live in shame of the times you weren’t whole enough believe in your power. That’s going to make a huge difference in where I end up in the future.

I’m already seeing that happening with my friend, just as heavily as they did me when I began this journey.

D.F.
Remember the Time

November 13th, 2023

Even with everything I’ve shared and grew through in this blog, there are a series of things that once haunted me.

Doesn’t matter how old I was, or what level of intellect I wished I had in questionable and dark choices. I still have reminders of how I shouldn’t hurt myself for being who I was in old seasons of miseducation and ignorance.

We all owe ourselves forgiveness for who we were. The harder you cringe, curl your toes, or even shadowbox at who you were, the better you’ve become at not repeating those actions.

If there were cases where people were affected by our old choices, thoughts of them seeing us as that person may still live within. Sad as it may feel, it’s not our job to convince them that we’ve changed for the better.

As long as we know we have, it’s a way to keep seeing those seasons as lessons and not anchors.

I’ve said the last line many times in this blog, and it’s going to be said again in the future. Mostly because there are still things I’m sure I have yet to see that way. Some finally got that treatment this month, decades after most events.

That’s proof of how important it is to take your time in growing and healing from things you may still fight yourself about. You still have the right to take those stories to the grave, while sharing lessons you’ve learned from those rude days.

Forgiveness is still a key way to share those lessons without the weight of the past halting or stopping your progress.

Your future self will thank you.

D.F.
Wake, Rattle, & Roll

November 10th, 2023

So the “sunlight before screens” method had immediate results. Productivity was at a new high that I rarely ever experienced, and I was able to take on some things that were looming over me for years.

The first of it involved paper shredding. We’re talking papers that were decades old. Like “primary bank changed multiple names” kind of old. The same for former employment documents and other things that should be digital now.

The closet was the next step. While still picking at things inside it here and there, many things that were no longer needed or even forgot about were either trashed, donated, or other means of disposal. Still have a ways to go.

Another good one is having the drive to write ahead of time again. Since returning from my September break, I was feeling a bit sluggish trying to get something up and ready for the next regular days. It may be a bit before I’m over a month ahead like before, but I’ll get there.

Now I know the sunlight/screen thing isn’t a surefire method of being productive in everyone’s life. Some of you have schedules and obligations that might not even come close to anything I’m doing. But whatever works for us in a healthy way is something to clearly keep going with.

Maintaining it will be the wild part, but the good feelings gained from all the examples I mentioned will make it easier to do.
D.F.
Always Sunny

November 8th, 2023

Continuing from the last post, I’ve become more proactive in disconnecting from technology when it comes to nightly and morning routines.

This was something I was doing for months now, but more in the “yo-yo diet” style where I’d fall back to old habits pretty fast. It can get annoying, especially if you’ve lied to yourself like I did about being “good” with old habits.

That’s when I ran into Mel Robbins. Through YouTube, not physically. That would be bad.

If you’re not familiar with her, she wears many hats aside from being a motivational speaker and life coach. One of her episodes had a guest that promoted a “sunlight before screens” method for better sleep and productivity.

Before this, I did something close to it, where I would have the phone placed further away from me in the bed. I’d have soft music playing me to sleep, and it worked out for a time.

That lasted longer than expected, mostly because first thing in the morning I’d reach for my phone and risk a lack of production in things outside of it. Now I laugh because Mel herself said to have your phone out the bedroom altogether.

I modified that statement to simply turning the phone off. Not only because it also deserves a break, but it cuts my need for the sleep aid I had been onto for years. A close friend of mine even said to do this once, and I was not in a place to take that to heart like I am now.

So far, I’ve done it on the weekdays. I hate to end this post like clickbait, but the results will surprise you. It surely did surprise me.

To be concluded on Friday.