Anxiety has been a constant controller of decision making for a majority of my life. Whether it’s about sharing anything where responses will vary, to making choices about what’s next in life.

It’s a beast that I’ve yet to tame in some environments. Too often I’m interacting with those that act calm, until something even I do or say releases their uncomfortable, yet educating natures.

And for years, I allowed myself to be around people like that, because that’s the frame of comfort I had for so long. Worrying about other people’s opinions about me. For some, showing up just to quell their ever-dormant anger.

Thankfully, even before venting on here, I learned how to move forward without many of them. As I’ve written about before, some try to come back, hoping the gullible and anxious inner child missed them as much as they miss playing with me.

And even with rejecting them, the anxiety comes back a little. “What if they did the work, too?” “What if they’re trying to reconnect to apologize?” “What if they end up being the key to something, or even someone you desire?”

Nah.

I know that’s the side of me that’s pleased these people for so long. The side that’s trying to convince me to reconnect, if only to fill what could be a temporary void.

The ones that are harder to remove, for now, I battle myself with ideas that they know who I’ve become, and are trying to accept it in their own ways.

But their ways are why I don’t want them near me anymore.

Why I never liked feeling that my goals to be better and (re)claim independence, are a middle finger to their faces. 

That’s why I’ve learned to ask myself “what if it all works out?”

“What if, in spite of every way they may continue to talk you out of being the better you, you succeed?”

“What if your success, both currently and in the future, inspires them to be better for and around you?”

Being anxious, catastrophizing, depression, and other not-so-fine emotions get in the way of being who you want to be for yourself. Whatever it takes to manage them, even while you’re in the unpredictable storm alleys, do what is right for you.

The ones meant to be with you on that journey won’t feel forced to come along with you. They’ll see what you see in yourself, and make you feel proud that you regained control of your emotions.

We deserve that for ourselves.

D.F.