The following will be a message to a different crowd than I’m used to writing to. It will be to the other sides of the toxic connections throughout our lives. Yeah, they’d never want to read something like this, but let’s pretend they do without malicious intent to follow.
Let’s begin.
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So I’ve decided to reach out to all of you because there are questions worth asking. Ones that your past and recurring victims know the idea of how you’ll answer, and for the more predictable lot, knowing exactly what words you’ll say.
How does it feel to want and need control over someone that knows who you are? How would you feel if they could prove it to a mass audience? An audience that may involve people you’ve groomed to be on your side? What makes you think finding new ways to attack your victims will stop their declaration of healing after going no-contact, or have the intent to?
Do you wish to be remembered as the reason someone is more emotionally mature, simply because you refuse to do the inner work? Do you want them to believe you when you say “I love you” without curling their attention back to you?
You have no idea how many questions can be asked about your behavior. Given your history, we know you don’t care, above not caring to answer. Even now your brain’s ready to deflect and defend yourself by asking a string of questions back to confusion and gaslight our way back in your world. One held together by unresolved personal sadness, or even the outright need to remain evil.
There’s probably no helping the latter, but evidence of the former doing better is simply by looking at us. The people that are saying “we’re not doing this to anyone because I feel bad for it being done to me.”
We’ve known this pain either on the clock, at a so-called friend or family member’s house, or in a shared bed.
For those who have given the same pain, we refuse to give it again when we’ve learned who inadvertently, or intentionally taught us to behave this way.
So with all of that, my last question to you is this. Are you comfortable with the monster you show us, or are you uncomfortable because your true self is making us the person you wish to be?
D.F.
Tag: emotional trauma
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It’s not that we don’t remember the pain.
It’s not that we’ve erased the legitimate good laughs.
It’s that you deny the pain from happening.
That you’re consistent with letting the joy outweigh the pain.
Any gift we give won’t be as strong as gifting ourselves with healing.
The kind we stopped hoping you’d discover and hold,
And claimed for our futures more than yours.
No gift you give will mean as much as a priceless one.
One where we believe your claims of love,
And not the ones masking our tears.
D.F. -
The frequent reminder that you’re only loved when you provide for someone is why I’ve had a long time trusting anyone’s “love” for me.
Things got better when I didn’t push that feeling onto anyone else, and only associated it with people that may never learn how destructive they are when that happens.
Currently, only one person has done this. Stopped for a while after publicly addressing this in a shorter and non-labeling form, but it’s come back recently. I’m tempted to say something to them about it, but the history of addressing their behavior is uncomfortable at best.
It’s times like this that I wonder what they’d do if or when they and others learn about this page, and know that much of the heavy topics are about them and the behaviors they refuse to change.
But I won’t be surprised if they get angry for doing this inner work after years of them believing they’re successful in suppressing me.
If I waited for any people like them to change, my healing would have suffered as much as it did before I started. Even more now that I’m older, forced to take the arguably smart road by no longer engaging them directly, and share more memes dedicated to better emotional maturity.
Along with that, I work to keep growing to a point where they can’t deny how different I am from them. Even when they prove themselves to be jealous of me doing the work, which one has more than others.
Part of me is sad about that for all of them. But I’ve wasted enough sadness on people refusing to change. And they’ll know that even more when I don’t have to co-exist with them any more than I currently do.
D.F. -
(Edited 11/28/2023)
Some of you can imagine a time where you shared a space with someone that demanded your emotions to remain hidden. Some of you may still share that space with them, like I do.
They may make comments about you laughing at something, anything citing joy. But silencing your rage is high on their hit list.
It’s as if the oppressor either doesn’t want that for you, or risk having it directed to them. When in reality, they’re making it easy for that judgment to sit on their name, despite their best toxic efforts.
This attempt of control can lead to damaging thoughts if they’re not cared for properly. And if they don’t want you to feel anger about anything, what good are words to them stating that what they’re doing is wrong?
Distance really is the best option for people like this.They will say anything they can to keep you on their leash, but even they have to know that once you’ve declared how fed up you are, there’s no stopping how you feel. Now you’re just redirecting the anger made from them never willing to change, and using it to change (their role in) your life.
If they can’t handle your feelings, if they’d rather you be a doll or a punching bag for their insecurities, then they have to prepare for the day you limit or deny them any access to you.
They can be as angry as they want to be about that future. It’s the only form of it they wish to exist, compared to yours. And chances are, it’s why they’ll earn the right to be alone in their pain.It may be the only way they’ll step up to making amends and hold themselves accountable for why you’re in a constant fury, especially when/if you’re around them.
Meanwhile, whatever makes you angry about them, acknowledge it. Your experiences are real, and they are yours to learn how to be better than them from each event.
One way or another, they’ll either regret hurting you this way and change, or regret quietly and move onto the next “punching bag.”
From there, the best way to hit them back is from a safe distance, and the success made while keeping it.
D.F.
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(Updated 11/28/2023)
It takes being in a recurring amount of pain with someone to realize why it hurts as bad as it can get. Specifically when they have close access to you and whatever free time you have, and they take that knowledge to have you serve them.
Sure you have your moments of sickness that make you unavailable to even yourself. They may honor that. But any other time that doesn’t involve physical health even to the point of hospitalization, you’re the one on-call.
But if you have a request for them that’s priceless, simple words that could benefit any emotional growth that can happen in them and for those close to them, it will remain in their “to do” pile, never to be touched.
They might even wait for a time to shame you for your beliefs towards people outside of the statement. More proof that their ego means more that your stability. Their need to keep the status quo towers your demands for change.
After any amount of time that you deal with this, you have the right to be done with them.
You don’t deserve to be near anyone that refuses to change their behavior when it’s (knowingly) hurting you consistently.
You don’t need to keep your phone on DND to primarily spite them.
You don’t have to waste words on them any longer that they choose to use against you, because they’re above being stood up against.
Do all that you can to create and hold your boundaries. Make them as subtle or as loud as your situation(s) can grant you. The things you want in your own life are on the other side of the invasive thoughts that those people inspire. You deserve better, even if they do not want to see that truth.
D.F.
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(Edited 11/27/2023)
One thing I’ve found hard about this mental health journey is that I have to select my in-person audience wisely.
Even more now that I’ve recently had a “close” person reveal their true feelings about me and my views on key people. I wrote a few posts in relation to that back in December and January.
I hate that I can’t directly share what I know and feel about certain ones. Mostly because of the history of deflection and guilt trips that come in response to it.
I’m grateful that I haven’t let that stop me from sharing what I have, but the more I do it with people face to face, the more confident I feel about outing myself for my efforts these last few months.
As much as I could wish that the people who need to hear this can do so without flexing their egos, I thank them for who they are. Who they’ve chosen to be.
Without them, I wouldn’t have a reason to write any of this.
D.F.
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(Originally written for March 21st, 2023)
Since starting this page, there’s been one thing I’ve had to fight countless times with each post, and that’s throwing out names of people that inspired the posts about negative behaviors. It didn’t stop me from saying titles though, some are more direct than others.
I’ve said again in a previous post how confronting these people is futile, but stating who they are with receipts can help lift the weight of their emotional hold on you.
Honestly, you don’t even have to use evidence for that. Speaking your truth, declaring the need for boundaries, and standing by what you’re against can be enough to hurt them the ways they’ve hurt you.
And for some of us, it’s not about hurting them like that, it’s about releasing the pain they gave us repeatedly.
It’s about ending the hurt of being the scapegoat, the punching bag, and starting the goal to be the breaker of damning cycles.
There’s no room for guilt in the mind of someone that feels they never did wrong. But the more you bring their behavior out into the light, the more it can eat at them and risk self-exposure.
The guilt from their pain isn’t yours to bear. They did that do themselves.
Keep on healing.
D.F
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(Originally written Dec, 2022, edited 11/27/2023)
While healing the inner child, I bent to the demands of people that were threatened by my counterpoints. Older, younger, same age, it didn’t matter.
They spoke to that part of me I wasn’t ready to defend. I let them win so many times, that it’s all they know of me. Even down to the moments where they play on things that are allegedly or legitimately of common interest.To partially quote Hector Berlioz, “time the greatest teacher.” In this case it’s made me aware how much time I’ve given away out of a false sense of fear. The type of fear that was put towards me, and what I put into myself based on their previous judgments.
It eventually inspired two unique thought patterns.
The first being that, in another quotation, how what I want is on the opposite side of fear. The other, I should be more afraid of myself than anything or anyone else.
With them, believing that I’m not worthy, or not allowed to have it yet, are ideas of those afraid of losing their access to me. True for the ones that praised me for an achievement, only to talk down on it later , in hopes to put doubt (back) in my mind.
They won’t say they love it when it works, but by the time I learned of their ways, it was too late. Years of experience leading to how they were ready to do it again, smiling because each time I wouldn’t see it coming.
It’s a sad, annoying way to live, the mental jukes on people they claim to love.
And it’s very easy to consider that line of fear in yourself. More than them being a path to any chaotic actions.
For me, they are there. As much as I’ve built for myself, I refuse to see them carried out.
While some people are beyond words to convince them that their actions are/were wrong, it’s safer for many parties to keep and maintain distance. Not everyone who disagrees will be afraid of that happening to them, but sometimes it gets easier to know who’s who.
D.F.
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CW: Domestic Abuse
(Updated 11/26/2023)
There’s no sugarcoating the effects of physical and emotional abuse a child may bury away in their adult mind.
Into adulthood, they may keep it buried. They might do it by being the life of the party, forcing extroversion on themselves like a drug. Which sadly, the physical drugs can be an option to keep the burial plot intact as well.
For some of us that were abused at any age, the muscle memory for overall self-defense might never go away completely. Not when you find yourself in the presence of one or multiple parties involved in the abuse, and can tell they’d never admit to it.
They may even “forget” it ever happened and dismiss or divert your thinking from their judgment.
That’s why it can be hard for those that (re)discover this to connect with genuine people. The new people may never touch them in a harmful way, but even innocent words from them could remind the victim of the precursors to those bruises. Or worse.
I can’t say that what you went through is what strengthened you and that you should feel brave for surviving it. It’s cliche, tired, and throws more dirt on the emotional burial site.
You deserved to be safe. Protected. Loved without conditions.
And you still deserve it.
What happened, or even happening to you, should not exist. You deserve to speak up about it. No matter your age, their social or familial connection, don’t let it eat you from within.
They revel in believing you suffer in silence.
Fight back by speaking up, if and when you can.
It’s your turn to win.
D.F.
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(Updated 11/26/2023)
Where I am in life has offered me an opportunity to do things that would not have been possible the way they are now. Things like this blog. It has given me the rare chance to have made it continue for, as of this passed Wednesday, seven months.
It doesn’t mean I’ve been lazy with my pursuits to escape, but being here has had benefits that lean into talking about a life others can’t or won’t discuss.
One way I’ve thought of it is that everything I’ve learned and still learning is preparing me for experiences that are yet to come. Ones that will make these experiences worth their memories. “Lessons over anchors,” as I’ve said repeatedly through this blog’s time.
As one friend put it towards me, “sometimes you have to live with the demons to form proper weapons.” As an add-on, I think of a fictional character that states “I don’t need weapons. I AM the weapon!”
To me, both can co-exist well.
D.F.
The Brighter the Picture 