Anxiety often inspires writing these posts.

Like it draws out something that I may have talked about before, and then gives more that I forgot about. I even feel like I brought that up in a previous entry. The memory between repurposed drafts and same-day writings blend together.

But having this page left behind in case of any life changes is still a great feeling, even if sometimes I write stuff down in hopes of getting to a point, like I am now.

Or maybe this is a good time to freestyle instead.

At least this way, I’m not feeling like I’m forcing myself to be on topic every time.

Sometimes I have to air out things that are formless but still impactful, and the impactful things hurt enough to wonder when and how will they end?

Much as I wish I was an overnight success at everything I’ve built towards, the very things I have made for myself leading up to orientation* still speak well towards something I can’t see yet, but months from now I will love that I started when, how, and why I did.

And trust that there’s plenty of topics based on the multiple affects worth writing about.

For now, I’m letting the mind be free.

D.F.

*this was written days before the orientation for the new job, which by the time of this posting will have been a week or more.

Sometimes, when you’re on a healing regimen that fits your needs, you get reminded of people close to you that need to know that you’re there for them. Genuinely there, not out of any form of selfishness.

I had that deep reminder recently. Even with my (old) troubles, no excuse can erase what time I could have spent to check in on specific people. But the opportunity to be better is what I will adopt as best as I can.

The ego, however, wants to be loud in asking, “did they check in on you?” I know where that ego comes from, and who I settled on it.

Unlearning it has been quite a feat even prior to this, and sometimes it doesn’t completely go away. You just learn how to silence it in favor of who you truly want to be. Who you want others to remember you being.

Even the answer to that question can be a question itself:
“Did you give them a reason to be the type of person to reach out to?”

For them, I didn’t. It didn’t have to be said, but I look back and know why I felt it. Their recent words confirmed that, and as the saying goes, “changed behavior is an apology.”

As long as I can silence that part of me that feels it’s too late, or that I should feel guilty for not being better for others that deserve my heart, I know I can change the role I’ve unintentionally played.

And if for some reason I slip, I’ll be in a place to be called out for it, and not get defensive.

D.F.

(Edited 11/27/2023)

Long time ago, I worked in theater. That shouldn’t be a surprise, given how I title my entries 🙂

There were many rollercoaster-style emotions going on during rehearsals and the show’s run. The one that sticks out the most was months after the show ended, when the director during a web chat revealed I was the “last choice” of everyone/anyone that came out for the role. To which there were very few.

Years later, I was a top choice in another production with the same director, where I exceeded many expectations, including my own.

Despite that, sometimes I think about that “last choice” comment. Maybe because by that point, I had proven myself capable of doing what was needed of me, and didn’t deserve to know that.

Or maybe I needed to hear it because it reminded me how there are some things that shouldn’t be said about what a person lacked. Not after they’ve shown their rising potential in anything they’re showing up for.

You never know how much emotional hurt that can do to someone, no matter where they may be on their mental health journey.

Admittedly, during that time I was far from taking that path, but had enough to go on that gave birth to the blog, and give myself a place to revisit these moments.

Plus, drunk or not, stating a comment like that can say more about the person than it does you. My lack of recognizing my need for therapy, both then and now, does not excuse anyone else’s hurtful behavior.

You don’t have to be on stage like I was for that to happen. Just make sure you approach and leave moments like that with your peace in mind.

D.F.

(Edited 11/27/2023)

I wonder what it’s like to have a “regular” brain?

I often wonder what it’s like to have the life of someone without trauma, ADHD, PTSD, and more.

Would I be on the side of those that have it, even without personal inspiration from others? Or be the closed-minded enemy that finds bliss in ignorance?

I’ve already been on the side of going undiagnosed for years, and not always using my experiences to teach me to be better.

But now I have. I love it. I do my best to write everything that I’m feeling in a moment, so I can use it here to remind myself that I still care.

That I’m better than the old me and the current “them,” a line which, as I wrote this, feels like something I’ve said in a past entry.

Among other things that have changed since then, now I’m listening to some relative music to keep me more settled as I write.

I hope for many of you, as I know too well for others close to me, that you have your ways to keep the peace within yourself to know that you’re better than ever, and there’s little to no need to dive into the negative “what if’s.” Not when so many positive ones have happened for you already.

D.F.