Tag: Mental health

A Better Tomorrow

August 7th, 2023

As I’ve learned how to open up about my endless supply of thoughts, I’ve become more receptive about others doing the same. Some people considered, it’d be foolish to think those I know who also read these were inspired by me, because we all have our own paths to opening up.

To be in a place of safety and openness with someone means a lot. When you’ve spent a long time around people that would rather you bury the feelings in favor of their own, the opposite feels scary at first. Over time, things, and better people, improve beyond expectations.

To be in that place with yourself means even more. Being honest with discoveries, and willing to sit in the discomforts that were once deflected, and choosing to use close connections as scapegoats and more to avoid shame.

If you’re not safe with yourself, how can you expect others to be safe around you? How can you expect to know that your emotions will be in check as new people give you a chance, and people who’ve known you for years have (unknowingly) given you multiple?

This practice is not an overnight success. For as long as I’ve been at it, I know and feel there’s still things I need to face. From being a child, to teenager, and the various adult stages. But I love what I’ve done to walk towards them because of what I’ve already walked through.

And no natter how many more people that remain to celebrate who I’m becoming in this journey, I know it’s important to celebrate myself for the same. I suggest doing the same for yourself as well, when it’s time to.

D.F.

P.S: Still sticking with the hip-hop title nods, but this one sharing the name of a movie was too good to pass up 🙂
It’s Been A Long Time

August 4th, 2023

So I’ve had to sit and wonder, “have I learned anything in all of this?”

I’d like to think I have, while still open to the fact that there’s still plenty to learn.

I’ve been able to communicate a lot better while in-person when it comes to talking about past and present emotions. It’s led to great talks with people that can relate to doing that for themselves.

I’m able to spot and keep distance from people that reflect the things I didn’t speak up about back when they were fresh. I try not to kick myself for that, alone, because that would devalue what I’ve accomplished.

I’m seeing the sociopathic and narcissistic traits in real time rather than in hindsight. Whatever isn’t caught, is often recorded. Even if not, it’s always remembered. And what’s remembered deserves to be spoken.

I’ve relearned not to rush my heart towards people that I don’t know in full. Platonic connections deserve even more care towards how you see them, and express your admiration, if not attraction that may or may not lead to more.

I’ve also relearned how to not get hard on me for not doing things on a routine schedule. Some days you don’t have the energy to maintain progress, but the history of that progress is enough to keep going when I’m ready.

This is a small list of things I could speak on, but what are some things you’ve learned about yourself in the past year? Are you journaling privately or publicly, if at all?

And as a close friend once asked me recently, do you feel that they’ll benefit you for the rest of your life?

My answer to the last one is yes.

I hope the same for you.

D.F.
The Beautiful Struggle

August 2nd, 2023

I look back at last May to remember the stress and inner conflict that I faced with employment and finances. I had no idea that it would lead me into the necessary free time to tackle the biggest project I could ever work on: my self.

The evolutions during the year are ones that I cherish the most out of the nearly five years of being opened to the chance. Even then, I could have easily favored bending to toxic norms, blind to the better path I gladly chose.

From leaning who is, isn’t, and never will be on your side, to letting go of the emotional attachments that can alter so much about me and others, it’s good to know that as I work on the remnants of old thoughts, healthier ones win.

Sometimes.

But that’s what this healing journey is all about. Celebrating what changes stuck, while giving yourself grace as the others make their way to modification, or complete removal. The deeper they’re woven in you, the harder it’ll be to achieve, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

If I’m meant to continue this for another year, I feel that the things I cannot stand, and the people associated with them, won’t be a problem as much as they can be at random. I’m sure even they’re aware that I’m not one for their natures, as they’re not fans of mine for not accepting theirs anymore.

Time will tell, as always. Every day, I’m glad I spent the time to get my thoughts out while I can. And there’s more to share coming.

Thank you again for staying with me throughout this journey.

D.F.
The Lighthouse

July 19th, 2023

(Edited 10/17/2023)

To quote the last entry, “the narcissist’s “wins” are honored by inner fragile trophies waiting to be replaced. The healing/healed person’s wins are sturdy and illuminate. “

This almost made the post branch off into a whole different topic, how your healing can be compared to a lighthouse. We all know their purpose when it comes to boats and such. In here, it takes other forms.

I look back to where I would unknowingly attract genuine people that were around for, as the classic saying goes, “a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” A few stayed, even when my light flickered, dimmed, or just shut off.

There were also ones that were attracted to my miseducation and naïve mind. Being innocent enough to not realize the people seeking safe harbor with me, were running me for my lightbulbs that were hard to come by as it was.

I don’t think that pull-in of either types of people goes away. The awareness of how they comfort or alert your senses can determine how close you want to be with them, or how quickly you’ll avoid them.

A better comparison would be towards computers, and the more tech savvy you are about them, the faster you can guess where that can go now. I’ll stick with this theme for the time being.

It’s okay to still feel uncomfortable about letting the wrong people into your beliefs and such. You didn’t know what they would bring to you, but you know what not to accept if anyone like them decides to dock with you moving forward. Those are the “reason, season” people, after all.

Keep that light on. You never know who can come in and be that lifetime surprise you’ve been loudly or quietly been waiting for.

And yes, many great ones have come for, and stayed with me.

D.F.
Victory

July 17th, 2023

A psychologist I watch often once repeated a line about how with a narcissist, you can’t win with them. In a way, it’s true. They are artful in crafting a world that keeps the dependent under their thumb as long as they can.

But I considered something else. Forgive me if I’ve repeated this before in a different way, but while that’s partly true, there’s a way to reframe that. One that favors the true victim over the fake one.

A narcissist needs that sense of victory to fulfill a false image that they need to keep up, just to save themselves from themselves. Even when succeeding in guilt tripping and bully, they fail in positive self-motivation.

You on the other hand, aren’t, or shouldn’t be reliant on other’s misery, pain, and weakness to keep you moving towards your goals. How you move in life can be attractive, motivational, and self-empowering in the long run.

So to me, the narcissist’s “wins” are honored by inner fragile trophies waiting to be replaced. The healing/healed person’s wins are sturdy and illuminate. Even if the narc tries to shame you for them, their existence remains strong.

And the right people outside of the exchange can always tell whose trophies were won with sincerity over selfishness. Whether they choose, and whoever they choose to be consoling or convictive towards is their fight.

So even if you’re in a place where narcissism and any levels of abuse continue to reign, know this. What you do, and what you’ve done to this point to break from it is proof that they their wins are nothing compared to yours. Chances are they are aware of that difference, even if in different words that coddle their ego.

Keep those trophies and awards coming. Keep them polished. For your sake, and for those that truly love you.

D.F.
A Home of Our Own

July 14th, 2023

I’ve written so much about what things were and what they are, yet not as much about how things could be in a healed space.

That space is one that’s a safe harbor for anyone that’s in a healed mind and heart. A place where the misunderstood and unheard can lower their guard and keep it down.

This place will have gentler noises that soothe one’s senses. Doors can stay open, all rooms are free of harsh uncertainty, and no one that knocks is a threat to your boundaries.

No matter how close a drive it may be, it will be a place far from what’s tainted all of your senses. They will know by your actions how strongly your demands for changes will be.

In general, that space will be somewhere that you can call truly call home.

Never stop believing that it’s close to your possession.

D.F.
Change of Heart

July 10th, 2023

So I made a post about what I wanted to do for this coming August. In short, something that could mirror how I started it last year, with different targets in mind. Two are already in early draft, while others haven’t started yet.

And honestly, I’m not seeing any reason to do so. At least not in the way I had planned, or with the energy I had planned to write it in.

So much of this blog has put time and effort towards me venting about different people that exist(ed) in my life, and the lessons I’ve learned and learning about them. To encapsulate it a year later in the intended format almost feels like repeating an old habit.

The primary ones I could write about may give me reason to make a whole new entry regarding them, between the time this posts, and August. Others may feel like a public rumination of who they were to me.

But as I’ve written this, a new way to approach the August theme came to mind.

“Why not write ‘thank you’ letters?”

Think about it. None of this would have been possible without their unintentional support, combined with my unique experiences with them, and other ways my brain works that I’m trying not to mislabel.

They do deserve thanks for what they’ve done and who they are, even more who they’ve chosen to be. I’ve made my choices too while developing this blog, and they’ve helped me further detach from their ideas of me.

So I’ll go ahead with the mini-series under a new mindset. One that reflects more of who I’ve become in the time I’ve written so much, and still have plenty more to go.

D.F.
The Ex

July 3rd, 2023

(Edited 9/19, 9/26/2023)

I spoke with a friend of mine a while back, and they shared how and why they are still virtually connected to an ex that was a mess of a person.

My friend doesn’t always go out of their way to antagonize the ex that they have children with, except for specific parental holidays, which are fueled by a point where the ex claimed that they wouldn’t make it in life.

My friend proved them wrong in wonderful ways that I wish I could share.

While I enjoyed and even related to the acts that fit a mantra/lyric “success is the best revenge,” added to their path of self-healing and MH advocacy in a similar season to my own, I had to advise them on something.

There will be that point where they won’t need to make that level of contact with their ex anymore. They agreed that the day will come. It’s a natural feeling that can’t be forced, and I made sure to say that I’d never force that.

People that choose to heal properly do so at a rate based on multiple factors. Giving them grace while they do so is a chance to understand your own path in it, and have both of you meeting in the middle without fearing or attempting a power struggle.

That’s what’s missing in the world. People slowing down their thoughts and quieting the ego long enough to be taught how to treat others where they’re at, and where they’re going.

And if you love someone as deeply as my friend and I do for each other, you’ll do that without hesitation.

D.F.
Pride

June 30th, 2023

(Updated 9/26/2023, 11/28/2023)

For a long time, I’ve been supportive of everyone no matter who their hearts call to. Not long enough to say it’s been my whole life, because I’ve had my ignorant seasons. But long enough to know that there would be a point where I would sit and learn where I stand, or even what flag speaks to me.

I’m still in the middle of researching ones that I’ve been suggested to by one friend, but so far I’m aware of the things I am not, and I had been before diving deeper into discovery.

The research is important to me, because I wouldn’t claim something I’d risk changing the next day or misrepresent a choice. Not when there are people keeping theirs a secret to appease other’s egos against their own comfort.

That’s something I can relate to heavily, outside of this topic.

And it’s been beautiful to see people much older than me discover and even live their truths openly, regardless of what society believes, or what politics hypocritically demand too often.

The journey will go beyond this month. This is something that means enough to me that I don’t want to treat it like a beacon of solidarity or wanting to be accepted somewhere. There are people that already love me for who I am now, what I’ve become, and how my renewed heart works.

Surely, they will continue to love me, no matter who my heart calls for.

D.F
Strange Days

June 26th, 2023

(Note: This is technically a two-parter. Part two premiers this Wednesday.)

Sometimes I catch myself in one heavy feeling. I hate that I’m the one that’s still here, not for lack of trying to get away from the triangulation that I had become adjusted to in previous seasons.

Losing thousands of dollars to stay in a place wrapped in nearly every form of abuse that can be imagined, when it could have been set to be free from it all.

Hearing complaints disguised as advice about assisting here and there, while secretly managing your own wellness to get to the life that I’ll eventually have.

And knowing that when I’m gone from this place, so long as I’m in close range, they’ll always find a way to make me the scapegoat.

The rage is valid. Its application though, must be controlled.

And sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I finally lost it. Then I remind myself of what’s been built and what I’ve reclaimed. Those things that I wanted for years, but never had the time or courage to do it.

Another reason that stops me, is not wanting fake victims to play off being real ones. They’ve won for so long, and I know they don’t deserve it anymore. Does this mean my own peaceful win will be huge enough to damage their streak?

I hope so.

All that I’ve learned and shared on here has done me well in a number of fields. Whatever it’s leading to in the long run must be the grandest victory I could ever have over these people I’ve shared too much with. People that don’t deserve my new definition of love, respect, and peace.

And that’s why it hurts to still be here. Despite all my efforts to leave for good, and because I’m the only one that wants a break from the status quo, that is why.

I shake at the idea of who I would have been if I didn’t start writing all of this out. Keeping it in and exploding it in a way that would shatter everything I’ve wanted, and most of it I have (again).

And some days, it’s easy to chill that fire.

Some.

Again, the rage is valid. It’s the application that determines my future.

D.F.