Tag: Self care

Forgiveness

June 5th, 2023

(Originally written April, 2023, edited 11/28/2023)

Forgiveness is a word thrown around in ways that favor a person’s boundaries, and another person’s need to have their own faults forgiven.

With the first group, we forgive ourselves for being who we were in less educated seasons. We spread that knowledge to anyone willing to listen, and help as best as we can to anyone reaching out to us directly.

The other group, they may not have done the work that we have. They might have tried and fallen back enough times to avoid the stings of shame that come with it, yet can wonder why those of us favor distance over closeness.

Then the third group that’s no better than the second one. They are the cheerleaders and defenders of an idea that supports their toxicity. They know how to put on a pretty mask to hide who they are, just like Group 2.

Group 1 has allies, too. Never forget them.

All sides have their reasons to enforce their definition of “forgiveness” around themselves and to others. It shouldn’t be any surprise which one I support, even if I’m still prone to shame myself for past mistakes.

And it’s okay to.

It’s only bad when you sit in the shame, or keep favoring those other groups that prefer the naïve, and even obedient version of you. The version of you that’s calling them out by doing and speaking to people better than them.

Make time to forgive yourself for who you were. No one else can do it for you, and you’ll surprise yourself in the strength gained, and what was already there.

D.F.
Keep Up the Good Work

June 2nd, 2023

(Edited 11/28/2023)

“You did the work.”

This is a statement I’ve been told multiple times by a friend, still early enough in my healing journey to not fully believe it. I was still battling the facts that were around me and within me. All of that had me feel less than qualified to feel that any work was being done, or was already done.

This was years ago now, and I have a better idea about why I felt that way as deeply as I did. Mostly because I put a lot into material and emotional needs. Believing that if I had certain things in possession or in order, I’d feel like that work had finally been done.

Things like having my own home. A high(er) paying and safer job. Both were seemingly possible thanks to a credit score raised from that then-new car. And having a new romance, which is ironic seeing as that same friend started as one, and I’m grateful it is what it’s become now.

I see now that there were many other steps I had to take before feeling that the work has been done. I also had to consider that the work is never-ending once you start. But there are moments that let me know that certain works are completed.

Double that in realms involving types of people I’m better off without.

So of course I’ll keep going to this line of work. In hindsight, I quietly made a commitment to myself about doing so in the early days. Not in any specific words, just led by emotions I knew weren’t me, or for me.

Going backwards now after what I’ve learned and learning would be insane. Even if sometimes, doing the work can drive you to near-insanity.

But the rewards on the other side of that are worth the overtime.

D.F.
Inquisition

May 31st, 2023

The following will be a message to a different crowd than I’m used to writing to. It will be to the other sides of the toxic connections throughout our lives. Yeah, they’d never want to read something like this, but let’s pretend they do without malicious intent to follow.

Let’s begin.

—

So I’ve decided to reach out to all of you because there are questions worth asking. Ones that your past and recurring victims know the idea of how you’ll answer, and for the more predictable lot, knowing exactly what words you’ll say.

How does it feel to want and need control over someone that knows who you are? How would you feel if they could prove it to a mass audience? An audience that may involve people you’ve groomed to be on your side? What makes you think finding new ways to attack your victims will stop their declaration of healing after going no-contact, or have the intent to?

Do you wish to be remembered as the reason someone is more emotionally mature, simply because you refuse to do the inner work? Do you want them to believe you when you say “I love you” without curling their attention back to you?

You have no idea how many questions can be asked about your behavior. Given your history, we know you don’t care, above not caring to answer. Even now your brain’s ready to deflect and defend yourself by asking a string of questions back to confusion and gaslight our way back in your world. One held together by unresolved personal sadness, or even the outright need to remain evil.

There’s probably no helping the latter, but evidence of the former doing better is simply by looking at us. The people that are saying “we’re not doing this to anyone because I feel bad for it being done to me.”

We’ve known this pain either on the clock, at a so-called friend or family member’s house, or in a shared bed.

For those who have given the same pain, we refuse to give it again when we’ve learned who inadvertently, or intentionally taught us to behave this way.

So with all of that, my last question to you is this. Are you comfortable with the monster you show us, or are you uncomfortable because your true self is making us the person you wish to be?

D.F.
(Poetry Break)

May 29th, 2023

It’s not that we don’t remember the pain.
It’s not that we’ve erased the legitimate good laughs.
It’s that you deny the pain from happening.
That you’re consistent with letting the joy outweigh the pain.
Any gift we give won’t be as strong as gifting ourselves with healing.
The kind we stopped hoping you’d discover and hold,
And claimed for our futures more than yours.
No gift you give will mean as much as a priceless one.
One where we believe your claims of love,
And not the ones masking our tears.

D.F.
Changes

May 24th, 2023

I used to be such a hopeful person when I would feel wronged by someone, hoping that they’d realize how they hurt me on their own and correcting that. This, coupled with fearing the backlash from me telling them what they did wrong, had me in situations often worse than the last ones.

Letting them go feels easier than playing the emotional guessing game each time you risk interacting with them, or even seeing them treat others differently.

Reframing it to remind yourself how much self-love you have and have gained is another way to face that pain. Loving yourself without crossing the line of narcissism is its own gift. One you’ve earned after all you’ve survived.

D.F.
Prime Target

May 22nd, 2023

The frequent reminder that you’re only loved when you provide for someone is why I’ve had a long time trusting anyone’s “love” for me.

Things got better when I didn’t push that feeling onto anyone else, and only associated it with people that may never learn how destructive they are when that happens.

Currently, only one person has done this. Stopped for a while after publicly addressing this in a shorter and non-labeling form, but it’s come back recently. I’m tempted to say something to them about it, but the history of addressing their behavior is uncomfortable at best.

It’s times like this that I wonder what they’d do if or when they and others learn about this page, and know that much of the heavy topics are about them and the behaviors they refuse to change.

But I won’t be surprised if they get angry for doing this inner work after years of them believing they’re successful in suppressing me.

If I waited for any people like them to change, my healing would have suffered as much as it did before I started. Even more now that I’m older, forced to take the arguably smart road by no longer engaging them directly, and share more memes dedicated to better emotional maturity.

Along with that, I work to keep growing to a point where they can’t deny how different I am from them. Even when they prove themselves to be jealous of me doing the work, which one has more than others.

Part of me is sad about that for all of them. But I’ve wasted enough sadness on people refusing to change. And they’ll know that even more when I don’t have to co-exist with them any more than I currently do.

D.F.
The Pacifier

May 17th, 2023

(Edited 11/28/2023)

Some of you can imagine a time where you shared a space with someone that demanded your emotions to remain hidden. Some of you may still share that space with them, like I do.

They may make comments about you laughing at something, anything citing joy. But silencing your rage is high on their hit list.

It’s as if the oppressor either doesn’t want that for you, or risk having it directed to them. When in reality, they’re making it easy for that judgment to sit on their name, despite their best toxic efforts.

This attempt of control can lead to damaging thoughts if they’re not cared for properly. And if they don’t want you to feel anger about anything, what good are words to them stating that what they’re doing is wrong?

Distance really is the best option for people like this.

They will say anything they can to keep you on their leash, but even they have to know that once you’ve declared how fed up you are, there’s no stopping how you feel. Now you’re just redirecting the anger made from them never willing to change, and using it to change (their role in) your life.

If they can’t handle your feelings, if they’d rather you be a doll or a punching bag for their insecurities, then they have to prepare for the day you limit or deny them any access to you.

They can be as angry as they want to be about that future. It’s the only form of it they wish to exist, compared to yours. And chances are, it’s why they’ll earn the right to be alone in their pain.

It may be the only way they’ll step up to making amends and hold themselves accountable for why you’re in a constant fury, especially when/if you’re around them.

Meanwhile, whatever makes you angry about them, acknowledge it. Your experiences are real, and they are yours to learn how to be better than them from each event.

One way or another, they’ll either regret hurting you this way and change, or regret quietly and move onto the next “punching bag.”

From there, the best way to hit them back is from a safe distance, and the success made while keeping it.

D.F.
Barricade

May 15th, 2023

(Edited 11/28/2023)

For a time, I honestly felt like starting this new job would affect keeping up with the blog. As far as the IG counterpart goes, it kinda did even before day one.

But so far, I’ve written two new entries between 2AM-4AM of a Sunday morning over a week from when this will be posted.

Part of it is because of an active day that led to a nap that lasted longer than expected. Not complaining, since the time is well spent on this, and other things without interruptions.

I’m also reminded of many times I wrote whenever I had the spirit for it, regardless of what time it was or how tired I felt. It’s led to either currently live posts, mini-notes for future posts, or drafts I’ve yet to review again.

And even if the inspiration to write comes during my shift, that’s what the phone notepad is for. Though I need to dig back into most of those, because there’s a lot to last more months.

So, this is my way of saying that I’ll have no excuse to write anything. Even if it’s only for myself. Given how long I’ve been at this, I’d have to have a great reason to stop while still being alive long enough to keep at it.

What are some things you feel you no longer have the time for, no matter how good they make or made you feel? Is it because your schedule prevents you from doing it as much as you did? Is it something deeper than that?

Take your time in finding out what it is. What you love to do, and what loves you for tending to it, will always find a way back to each other.

D.F.
Superstar

May 12th, 2023

(Edited 11/28/2023)

Can’t help but start off sounding like a commercial:

“If you, or someone you know, have awareness and/or admiration for certain celebrities, their declaration of having mental health journeys may be right for you!”

Celebrities, often regarded by citizens as higher beings, range from those who keep to themselves and lean into that belief, and those who freely and honestly speak about their trials.

They might even talk about who they’ve pretended to be just to get and stay away from any pain they’ve faced and facing. As far as actors may go, as if they’re playing a role just to keep getting ones.

To many of us that are private citizens, especially with work and definitely family, that can be relatable.

It’s even down to seeing more people older than you talking about what steps they’ve taken to start their healing. Celebrity or not, the message hits differently from anyone from that generation speaking their truths about mental health. Mostly because of being affected by others in their demographic acting in the opposite.

Overall, I like that more celebrities are coming out to declare how okay it is to breathe, take the 5-4-3-2-1 Method, seek help, and ultimately greet the part of you that’s on the other side the consideration, or even fear of healing. That way, even if you’re not aiming to be on the Walk of Fame, you’ll still be your own star.

D.F.
Breaking Point

May 10th, 2023

(Updated 11/28/2023)

It takes being in a recurring amount of pain with someone to realize why it hurts as bad as it can get. Specifically when they have close access to you and whatever free time you have, and they take that knowledge to have you serve them.

Sure you have your moments of sickness that make you unavailable to even yourself. They may honor that. But any other time that doesn’t involve physical health even to the point of hospitalization, you’re the one on-call.

But if you have a request for them that’s priceless, simple words that could benefit any emotional growth that can happen in them and for those close to them, it will remain in their “to do” pile, never to be touched.

They might even wait for a time to shame you for your beliefs towards people outside of the statement. More proof that their ego means more that your stability. Their need to keep the status quo towers your demands for change.

After any amount of time that you deal with this, you have the right to be done with them.

You don’t deserve to be near anyone that refuses to change their behavior when it’s (knowingly) hurting you consistently.

You don’t need to keep your phone on DND to primarily spite them.

You don’t have to waste words on them any longer that they choose to use against you, because they’re above being stood up against.

Do all that you can to create and hold your boundaries. Make them as subtle or as loud as your situation(s) can grant you. The things you want in your own life are on the other side of the invasive thoughts that those people inspire. You deserve better, even if they do not want to see that truth.

D.F.