Tag: Self care

The Gambler

April 5th, 2023

(Originally written Feb/2023)

As essential as money is for basic living expenses and more, there will always be people ready to abuse its presence as a weapon in their narcissistic armory. Fitting description for something that falls in the “love bombing” subcategory of narcs.

When you’re in a position where close people can “gift” it to you at the risk of guilt tripping you about it later, it makes you appreciate any sources you earn much more. Especially if you’re doing it privately.

Even if you have a livable amount of wealth, they’ll weasel their way into becoming an additional resource. All going back to the points I mentioned above.

The dramatic hold some people have about money is sad, sadder when you treat loved ones more like piggybanks. It’s one thing to ask for help or receive payment for acts of service, but the world would be a better place if we gave greater attention to our mental health than anyone else’s wallets.

D.F.
Fear Factor

April 3rd, 2023

(Originally written Dec, 2022, edited 11/27/2023)

While healing the inner child, I bent to the demands of people that were threatened by my counterpoints. Older, younger, same age, it didn’t matter.

They spoke to that part of me I wasn’t ready to defend. I let them win so many times, that it’s all they know of me. Even down to the moments where they play on things that are allegedly or legitimately of common interest.

To partially quote Hector Berlioz, “time the greatest teacher.” In this case it’s made me aware how much time I’ve given away out of a false sense of fear. The type of fear that was put towards me, and what I put into myself based on their previous judgments.

It eventually inspired two unique thought patterns.

The first being that, in another quotation, how what I want is on the opposite side of fear. The other, I should be more afraid of myself than anything or anyone else.

With them, believing that I’m not worthy, or not allowed to have it yet, are ideas of those afraid of losing their access to me. True for the ones that praised me for an achievement, only to talk down on it later , in hopes to put doubt (back) in my mind.

They won’t say they love it when it works, but by the time I learned of their ways, it was too late. Years of experience leading to how they were ready to do it again, smiling because each time I wouldn’t see it coming.

It’s a sad, annoying way to live, the mental jukes on people they claim to love.

And it’s very easy to consider that line of fear in yourself. More than them being a path to any chaotic actions.

For me, they are there. As much as I’ve built for myself, I refuse to see them carried out.

While some people are beyond words to convince them that their actions are/were wrong, it’s safer for many parties to keep and maintain distance. Not everyone who disagrees will be afraid of that happening to them, but sometimes it gets easier to know who’s who.

D.F.
A Change of Heart

March 31st, 2023

It takes a long time to recognize your own bad habits.

One of mine was that I’ve spent most of it projecting negativity on people I claimed to care about. Some I still care for despite who caused the distance.

I do my best to forgive myself for doing that, and for other habits that were once hard wired.

I often succeed. Still do.

The other times I risk getting stuck in that once comfortable self-pitying. That feeling that you’re not so different from your old self. Like you’ve only learned how to hide it better from everyone, including yourself.

What are your ways to remind yourself that you’re not speaking the uncomfortable ways you used to? The ways which you feel may have driven people away?

What makes you think that will change when you speak about goodness in its place? Have you noticed that the more you speak up about negative traits, the more you attract the like-minded and repel those that benefited from your old self?

And not all people will develop the same way, for reasons I will leave to medical, psychological, and even spiritual experts. But when it’s done, when you even so much as share memes dedicated to whistleblowing the dark behaviors, even most of the suspects and the convicted will want to keep watch.

By the time you take even that much in, will the awareness of that stop you? It hasn’t for me.

My focus is what it’s always been, to leave behind my word and inspire others to do the same when they’re ready. When you are ready.

And if you’re already doing it, keep going. It’s a great reminder that you really have changed.

D.F.
Live to Be a Hundred

March 29th, 2023

This is my 100th post.

What!?

I’m smiling, laughing, and holding some tears back as I write this.

I didn’t have a set number to shoot for when I started. I had the original nine set to go, and figured that would be it.

Then it clicked that there’s more to say. “Maybe I can keep up with three posts a week.” I clearly had the time for it.

But I never imagined getting this far. At times, I didn’t think I’d live long enough to get to it.

And yet, here I am.

Wiser, arguably funnier with many I personally know. Grateful I’m catching myself better with most triggers, and not be discouraged in the ones yet to be managed. Even with most based on location.

I’m still doing my best to leave the unhealed people to their own lanes, yet celebrating the ones I left to their own.

Overall, it’s been a long and powerful set of changes that began in an early season. Always in growth, reminders of grace, and strengthening in faith.

I’ll be posting for as long as I’m allowed to. As I’ve said before, there will always be something new to say, something new to add on to past work, and encouragement to keep the faith in yourself above others. All while making sure that I need a break, which may come soon.

Thanks again for sticking it out with me.

D.F.
Down Low

March 27th, 2023

There is a certain depth that I reach when I’m done with someone’s nonsense. It’s one that others have subjected me too many times because of who I was.

A tiny few have reconnected because of then-proposed and later confirmed growth, but it’s the others that maintained a distance that I draw deeper knowledge from.

Even before my mental health journey began, I had moments of being done with people. Either telling them in private messages, blocking, or the one time to someone’s face.

That depth seems to strengthen with each time, which is a good thing.

Sometimes it was scary. At first because it was new, and given other emotions that I had to wall up to spare others, I was unsure how to control it. Now, I see it like a program running in the background, updating itself with each new account of threats to the entire system.

How they feel about me cutting them off or limiting exposure is their fight, just as much as it is for those you’ve cut ties with. To do that with people that are “danger close” to you does warrant cautiousness, so long as you don’t lose the desire to do so when that distance is established.

D.F.
The Long Kiss Goodnight

March 24th, 2023

There’s nothing like that first genuine kiss after a dark time of uncomfortable partners. It feels like you’ve never kissed a person before. Or that even the good ones in the past were prerequisites for the one that holds you as close as you hold them.

It hits more when you’ve grown to accept and change from any time you may have been uncomfortable yourself. That level of self-discovery can heighten your senses on who you desire as a romantic partner, because you learned what you should be to have a lasting one.

You’ll see many people talk down or praise the “hook-up culture” that’s running wild these days. Others, regardless of age, have learned from uncomfortable experiences how that life isn’t for them.

They want someone to reflect their emotional goals.

A partner that refuses to deviate from their overall goals.

Someone to not reflect trauma bonds.

Someone whose body, mind, and soul was waiting for you to level up and arrive at the right time, and vice versa.

If you so desire that person* for you, and you’re already on the path of self-healing, trust me when I say the wait it worth it.

Whether or not it’s unplanned, you two will know that your 100th kiss will feel as wonderful and safe as the first one was.

You’ve always deserved it.

D.F.

*or people, within specific consensual arrangements.
Gaslight

March 20th, 2023

The lengths some people will go to make you feel your perspective is inferior to theirs is amazing and sad.

It doesn’t matter how close you are, either. Loves, friends, parents, in-laws, anyone with a shred of toxicity in them will make an attempt on your thoughts, especially they are (in)directly threatened.

You could be told to disbelieve your views to your face, and even subtly through videos sent to you. But you know better to tell them it doesn’t work.

Narcissitic and toxic tactics have tuly evolved with the times. They’re only daring to hold their stances because they know methods of healing and emotional growth has strenghtened by both traditional and progressive means.

But as it’s been stated in this blog, and wherever healing is found, talking to the suspects about themselves is a dead end. What they did and are doing to you “didn’t happen.” And the more they do it, the more you’re allowed to believe that love and/or respect no longer exists for them, either.

D.F.

P.S. I’m surprised I didn’t use this title sooner 😉
The Voice

March 17th, 2023

It’s hard to trust anyone that doesn’t talk to themselves, at least not the ones that say things that would land them in any form of custody.

How else would you hear the person inside of you talking sense towards you during the darkest times? Or even calmness during an inner storm? Those times that you choose wisely who to talk with others about.

Often we assign that voice with a type of ideal person, some composite of things you want out of friends, and maybe even a lover. They pop up at the most convenient times, and can even prevent you from negative rumination.

Sometimes, anyway.

No matter what, they represent the part of you that believes in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself. And the times that you believe like they do, never tune them out. Because as a whole, sometimes you’re all that you have until someone proves otherwise.

D.F.
The Descent

March 15th, 2023

(Updated 11/26/2023)

Sometimes, I’ve scared myself.

The more I learned about narcissism and toxicity, the more I woke up about the traits that I put into my own life. Never mind who I learned it from. I’ve discussed it a few times in the past.

I even think about now, where the simplest comments can have hidden layers of getting what I think I want or need from someone. No matter how trivial or vital, it’s like I want anything I say to lead towards my satisfaction.

I could even risk discarding the provider once they met my need.

I’m certain that for as long as it took me to internalize the negative effects it has on others, I did this. In fact, I know I have, and have often felt the karmic response quickly.

This led me to reminders on how bad I’ve felt in responses to my past behaviors. As well as how I feel when I almost say something that would even invite those thoughts, or inspire provision from a would-be target. I think of how bad it was to have realized that in multiple relationship styles.

It’s a constant checking of myself on not repeating what worked on me for decades. To some ways, even now.

What the inspirations of those actions were for me, I would hate to do that to anyone else. And if I asked even one friend in particular if they felt I tried to talk them into something uncomfortable, I would dread yet accept the answer. Only because I know I would make sure it never happened again to anyone, old or new.

Hating these feelings seems to be my proof that I’m still nothing like the guilty parties, or more importantly my old self. I may never know if they feel remorse after they’ve duped anyone like I would or do, and chances are they feel it at some point.

That’s not my business.

They’ve gained enough of my energy, and these last few months have given me time to reclaim it for myself.

I’m the one that matters here. I’m the one thing I can control. Not just in preventing toxic societal and generational mimicry. But by limiting or stopping their lack of empathy from making me equal or worse than them.

D.F
Fighter

March 13th, 2023

CW: Domestic Abuse

(Updated 11/26/2023)

There’s no sugarcoating the effects of physical and emotional abuse a child may bury away in their adult mind.

Into adulthood, they may keep it buried. They might do it by being the life of the party, forcing extroversion on themselves like a drug. Which sadly, the physical drugs can be an option to keep the burial plot intact as well.

For some of us that were abused at any age, the muscle memory for overall self-defense might never go away completely. Not when you find yourself in the presence of one or multiple parties involved in the abuse, and can tell they’d never admit to it.

They may even “forget” it ever happened and dismiss or divert your thinking from their judgment.

That’s why it can be hard for those that (re)discover this to connect with genuine people. The new people may never touch them in a harmful way, but even innocent words from them could remind the victim of the precursors to those bruises. Or worse.

I can’t say that what you went through is what strengthened you and that you should feel brave for surviving it. It’s cliche, tired, and throws more dirt on the emotional burial site.

You deserved to be safe. Protected. Loved without conditions.

And you still deserve it.

What happened, or even happening to you, should not exist. You deserve to speak up about it. No matter your age, their social or familial connection, don’t let it eat you from within.

They revel in believing you suffer in silence.

Fight back by speaking up, if and when you can.

It’s your turn to win.

D.F.