Tag: Self care

Spawn

February 17th, 2023

And now, for the children. Naturally, the ones that can navigate to this and take in what I’m saying.

Your feelings are valid. The pains and joys you’ve chosen to share with safer people are allowed. Anyone that forces you to treat them that way is behind you, or will be when that time comes.

Some of you have even heard things like “s/he’s your (insert family label)” your entire lives, or the blanket statement of “we’re family.” It’s often from people that grew into that life so deeply, anything countering it gets treated as heresy.

If you can’t avoid it, let them speak. It’s hard enough to “grey rock” or firewall direct toxic statements from parents, family friends, and/or older relatives. But if you feel the need to speak out in the moment, do so with the same level of safety that you may have to with the others I mentioned.

You have every right to feel emotionally exhausted from defending your healing, whether you’re new or a veteran like me. The opponents won’t understand you. They may even hate you for being this way.

Let them.

You are growing into everything they could have been for you. Deep inside, they know it, and they’ll know that you know they know it, all because of how you walk around them. And if you haven’t already, how you’ll walk away from them.

D.F.
The Parent Hood

February 15th, 2023

I have a varied list of readers that appear on here and on IG. Some that I personally know in different ways, others I do not.

But this entry will be dedicated to anyone that is a parent, whether it’s by biology, by law, and other means.

I hope that you’re the type of parents that loves your children unconditionally. If they can’t give you anything you ask for, never shame them for it, or hold it against them at some later date. This is an effective way for them to learn how to love others because of your example, and never grow to redefine it in spite of you.

If there’s a reason they are uncomfortable around you, own up to it. Find it within yourselves to correct it and stay in that correction. Your children will keep receipts of your (mis)deeds more accurately than anyone outside the family. And that kind of ink never dries.

Listen to them when they want and need to be seen and heard. Too many shut themselves in around their parents because others want them to speak their mind safely. If you are not a safe space for them, pray they find one that doesn’t lead them to arms bearing more thorns than yours.

If you wish to share your troubles, do so with sincerity. No ulterior motives, no guilt trips, just a pure declaration that you’re willing to understand what you’re going through. They are your children, solely meant to be anything but your emotional punching bags. Pray they don’t learn how to hit back without lifting a finger.

Surely there’s more to say, but it’s enough to let those already doing the healthy thing to agree or add on to. Anyone on the opposite end is in their right to feel differently, just as it’s their children’s right to act accordingly to their feelings towards them.

D.F.
Solo

February 13th, 2023

It’s been a long time since I have dated someone exclusively. There were a surprising amount of dates, more than I even could have expected as I entered my healing saga.

But even as some stand on varied levels of friendship, and another I completely dismissed, I knew something. As uncomfortable being by myself is on a romantic level, this is also the time I needed to get other things in order.

For a long time, even with signs of attraction from others and more, I convinced myself that nothing solid would come my way during that developmental period.

Someone pleasantly proved me wrong, but I’ll leave it at that.

There’s always that time many go through where they are alone in the romantic realm. Not all of us can reframe it as one to develop and let the surprises come naturally. It’s harder when there are those of mutual interest who are states, or even time zones away from each other. But love always makes things work at the right time.

D.F.
In the House

February 8th, 2023

Something I learned recently that had me go back to a previous entry. It’s one about learning how the patterns you wish to break reflect ones of narcissists and toxic people. But there’s something extra to add to that.

First, imagine having a collection of items on your desk or nightstand, ranging from things of sentimental value to ones that need special disposal, like dead batteries. Then you see a similar mess on your partner, or even parent’s furniture, like a TV stand.

This isn’t far from the truth about what happened to me recently. I started believing that I was no better than them, so other toxic traits may as well be true, too. Some have been.

Taking a more active motion in changing that has been important for a long time. It comes in pieces, but the more they glue together, the closer you get to being far removed from people that you’ve unknowingly modeled yourself after.

So what if even a part of your room or house is a mess? Take your time in changing that, just as it’s important to do that with your mind and body. Do it in a way that announces your rise into everything you know you are. Ignore the others that influenced your old self, but take their actions as lessons, not barricades.

Maybe then, you’ll see even the little similarities as healthier character traits, and not gateways to being the old you. Or in a more uncomfortable sense, the current them.

D.F.
Family Matters

February 6th, 2023

The first ideas of love in every way comes from family. There’s no escaping it, but that’s not the end, either.

Depending on one’s circumstances, you will have the elders teach you what love can be under open-minded beliefs. You’ll have an early idea of whom to call a legitimate friend. You’ll know when to defend yourself from people that want to force friendship, or project hatred onto you.

You’ll specifically have parents that acknowledge their mistakes and switch their actions to match their words. They won’t deflect any shame onto their children, or use them as a punchline to their own friends. And they won’t hide their toxicity from new people after the old ways stop working on blood ties.

Through them, you’ll create healthy boundaries that they’ll support, especially when other authority figures come against you.

Don’t expect that luxury if you were undeniably wrong in a matter. If they’ve been stern teachers and students of accountability, they’ll tell you what you need to hear.

And going back to boundary lessons, depending on your offense, they’ll let you feel the loss of their respect and trust by any means. You’ll have the right to be sad, but hopefully you’ll understand.

Healthy family structures will also support how your heart feels in the romantic realm. They won’t ask when you’ll get a partner, of that you “need” one. Wherever you feel it is best, you’ll find no judgement, only warmth from those that love you for your choices, and will defend you even when you’re not looking.

Not everyone grows up with this progressive and safe family dynamic. Some can do it with a twist that is built on ignorance towards emotional health and growth. Or the more extremes of prejudice, bigotry, and every “-ism” or phobia you can imagine.

It’s often why many will find that “family” isn’t, and shouldn’t be limited to genetic ties. It can be a mix of that and the friends that care for you in ways others you’re born with lacked and still lack.

And if you’re one that wants a family of your own, you’ll either raise yours as a continuation of healing that you’ve had, or as a counterpoint to what you received.

In the end, family is what you choose to make of it. Choose wisely, your present and future will depend on it.

D.F.
Cloud Atlas

February 3rd, 2023

Not everyone believes in the idea of a past life, where your current one is another layer of infinite ones gathering an ultimate lesson to be learned.

That’s a bit more involved than the simple, more emotionally charged thought of meeting people you feel you’ve had a past with.

Doesn’t matter how you met. You get a glance at each other and know that something is there, or something deep was there before. Or you meet because of a group of fiends and/or family that breeds constant interaction. Possibilities are vast.

Whether those connections are further explored now or in the future is determined by powers that I admit I’m not smart enough to fully explain, but still believe in.

Circumstances bring people together for as long as it’s needed to remind them of what feelings to hold on to, what to protect within you, and why repeating bad habits leaves you hurting for a long time.

Those events help you control certain thoughts and actions, release others, and may even carry the lessons to those willing to put them into their own journeys.

The rewards for shaving the gunk and rust of your experiences are worth it. From the tight hugs from long distance friends, to the deepest conversations with some of them who didn’t know that side of you, or the other way around.

It can even lead to a surprise kiss you either give or receive at any occasion. One that makes you believe that the love built from that kiss and more has the weight of lifetimes behind it.

I’ve expressed too many times on here that life is full of long lasting and surprising disappointments. But they have a way of leading you to the great times, too.

No matter how long they last, believe that they’ll return during this life either as a blessing or a lesson. Or even a reward for learning the lesson.

If not, and if you believe in past lives, you’ll have another shot at it next time around.

D.F.
Waves

February 1st, 2023

Romantic emotions aren’t for everyone, and that’s okay. There are times when we have to remind ourselves of the other forms of love that exist and are expressed in a platonic form.

If you’ve of a certain audience of the internet, you’ve likely seen the list of love languages. if not, give this a look.

I’ve experienced them all in different ways, as a giver and receiver. Many lessons were learned in those times, like how not to confuse any of those languages as romantic or especially sexual attraction. The latter one can get you hurt worse, but let me not dive too deep in there.

For me, I enjoy that I’m in a place where I know what love can and should be, versus how others will weaponize it for their own means. That can make, and has made many believe that love should be conditional.

Without breaking that habit, you risk attaching to people that will continuously warp your reality. Breaking it isn’t meant for everyone, but for those that do it, they may experience emotional rollercoasters.

It’s plural because not all of them are built the same. Just like us.

But the people, or special person, that you meet during the rides are ones you want to stay attached to when they’re back to the platform.

People you’ve shared an amazing amount of laughs with.

Ones you’ll chill or cuddle with, as cross your fingers hoping they like your film choice.

Or even count a work-related event as a romantic date.

They’re worth all the rocky surfaces, rickety tracks, and rough waters that lead to reform your definition of love.

D.F.
One on One

January 30th, 2023

A close friend and I were talking recently, and I asked them if they’d like to see my newest resume. She stated in her own way that it could be sent, but wasn’t in the right mindset to look at it today. Not only did I state that I wished more people could accept answers like that, but she replied that she wished more people felt comfortable enough to say so.

“We both preaching [right now],” I replied.

It’s true though. Too many want to make requests and suggestions without any pushback. As if they’re only wired to hear “yes” in any form, and any version of “no” must be challenged or questioned.

And whey they ask why you feel a certain way, it’s done as if giving them a detailed, even passionate reason to consider your point will sit with them. Only to have them bring it back up months later to spite you, especially in front of their friends to put you on display.

This is part of a long line of reasons many of us are speaking out on toxicity and its amazing friends to anyone that can relate, or add to it. It’s tiring to expect the toxic ones to change, even when they’re presented with your case(s) against them.

But as I’ve relearned a few weeks ago as of this posting, when their issues are presented, you are resented.

A “how dare you tell the truth about me” kind of mentality.

If you’re someone that feels as if your voice only means something to the healed and healing, you’re not alone. Cliché as that statement is, it’s one of the reason those of us are still doing this, regardless if it’s for profit or not (at least for now).

It’s better than feeling alone in the presence of people that you wish you could trust with your secrets, your pain, your overall life.

People that will take advantage of your worries to favor their ego over your feelings.

People that claim to love you when they do that, instead.

No matter who they are to you, love the people that give you what the others lack in.

Make sure you love yourself at the same time.

D.F.
Power

January 27th, 2023

I’ve seen it said multiple ways that any circumstances that are undesirable to you are not your final destination. It rings true to what I mentioned last week. Even truer when you’ve begun or have already been setting yourself on a journey most others would neglect worth going on.

Or even confirm it’s one that even exists.

Many will try to keep you weak, often speak weakness into you. The ones that have years of success at it always will. There’s no convincing them otherwise. And if there is, they’ll find a way around it.

They’d rather strengthen themselves over you.

That behavior’s been in me, too. Talking down people that are enjoying themselves in unharmful behavior. Interrogating them about their positive announcements, thankfully not going as far as others have.

Even now, I’m still making sure that I’m not echoing those old ways that were pushed, and sometimes still pushed on me. As if I should quit and follow the generational curse as ordered.

Not anymore. And not for a long time, to my memory.

If anything, I’ve become stronger in how to remain the opposite. It’s been beneficial to my years of connecting and reconnecting with people that deserve praise for anything they’re doing.

That pure type of praise that’s not followed by any social and familial toxins.

It’s a great life when you’re giving others the strength that you wished you had in times you were emotionally fatigued. It’s even better when you’ve giving others that strength based on the one your found in yourself, in spite of your surroundings.

Never stop doing it. You’re needed here.
A Little Bit Strange

January 25th, 2023

Not everything in the family structure has been terrible.

No, seriously.

Some of the things I’ve picked up from youth onward was a passion for media that’s outside of our intended demographic, either subtly or forced.

No matter what the media was, I paid attention to what made me feel good. It’s become common ground with all of us. Depending on who I’m talking to, some areas hold more interest than others.

But then comes the outside world. What a trip that can be to find like-minded fans of your favorite things. On one hand, you’re planning to watch niche shows and movies together, yelling at each other during video games, and more.

But it can also lead to culture clashes, gossiping, ridicule, offensive labels and statements like “that’s for (insert race),” and the like.

Sad part is that this goes well into adulthood. Taking someone out of grade school, but not the “grade school” out of the person-type of deal.

But the vetting process is more than worth it.

Even when some people sharing your fandoms aren’t the greatest ones outside of that common ground, the ones that stick behind can be long-lasting. They might even become closer than your own family.

Some may even become more than friends. Short or long-term, that’s bound to happen.

No matter what, embrace your individuality. Don’t rush into it if you’re not comfortable with that speed.

Let it build for yourself.

Just be ready for it to be a beacon to those that feel alone in their feelings, the ones seeking genuine acceptance before they form their own.

You and they won’t feel so much like a negative framing of a “weirdo” anymore. The longer you stay in touch, continue getting along outside of mutual interest, the more you will have gained your tribe. Your “found family.”

And if your heart is set that way, your person, and more.

D.F.