Tag: Self care

Surviving the Game

January 18th, 2023

(Updated 5/25/2023)

Some people, especially families, have ways to remind you that the more you change and break from them, the more they’ll stay the same.

It gets tiring to run around them in circles, run through them, or sneak around waiting to have the freedom you’ve fought for.

The depths of how venomous they can be without trying may wear you down. Hiding your issues that you know they’ll take advantage of, even lying to protect your peace.

And no matter how close or far they are, you’re targeted. No matter how much they prop you up privately or socially, you always will be. All because you’re not complying with things tied to trauma, selfishness, and ignorance.

And the more it piles on, the more you risk going out of your new or growing character. You may want to fight someone. Break something, or things. Scream somewhere.

“Opt-out” sooner.

That last one is the scariest. You risk them telling how much you were loved, and wished they knew what was wrong. When in reality, they did, and chances are they hated you for knowing it.

Either in exposure or how you walked differently in life, they hated knowing that someone, or a few people in a group structure, refused to feed into uncomfortable behavior, and not be the toxic source to others.

And if you’re like me, writing these out in every way you can, you want it to stop.

You want everything that you express to mean something to them, most of all. To want them to change, to hold themselves accountable for once, because you, and others in agreement, are tired of doing it.

But you see how deep the pain is accepted and celebrated. You see how well most others may come together to face you. How their collective knowledge about you will shape a defense of their issues, while offending you with yours.

Whether or not the idea of their unity is driven by anxiety and/or facts of the past, you feel moments of snapping coming up. As if it’s the only way to let them know that they did wrong. Because words haven’t, and with some, never will work.

But the “victim card” will be stronger to play towards anyone outside of the circle, and the last thing they deserve is another victory at the expense of your sanity.

It’s your turn to win now. How you choose to must be chosen wisely.

D.F.
A Low Down Dirty Shame

January 16th, 2023

(Title themes until the end of February: Black-led films and shows/freestyle.)

It’s one thing to mourn the loss of someone passing away. But have you ever mourned the loss of respect you had for someone?

Yes, they’re still alive, but any positive feelings you may have received about them are gone.

It could be because of views that they hold which are tied to the harm of others, even yourself. Or the repeated way they treat you when no one is looking. Picking fights with you about where you’re lacking as a lover, or a son.

Even dismissing your experiences with traumatic people in your life, stating you should “grow up and move on.”

And other heartless behaviors that could have, or did hurt you or people you care for.

It doesn’t matter how you are or were connected.

You’re done.

And it’s expressed either quietly, or to their face.

They may even dare to say something to rile you up if you’re associated in a group setting, but do your best not to fall for it.

“Don’t feed the trolls,” as the internet-friendly phrase goes.

If they dare to come back to you as if nothing happened, remind them and send them away. If they return with a genuine apology, it’s fine to accept it, but keep the barrier up at your comfort.

They must remember what they’ve created, revived, or updated to prevent them, or anyone like them, to come back so easily.

On second thought, there is a positive feeling that comes from them.

They helped you recognize where the relationship has been, and needs to be, in order to reset your boundaries. While the experiences leading to it aren’t ever asked for, how else are we meant to process and protect the person we truly value most?
Count Your Blessings

January 13th, 2023

CW: Religion themed link

How I’ve managed the past and present trauma, and how I’ve used it to communicate with people, is something I don’t always sit and give myself respect for.

I feel like I fall into the patterns of working on so many real world situations that I can and will change, ones removed from the trauma work. But then comes the reminders during those periods that show how I used to handle matters, versus how I do now.

It can scare the people that are comfortable with my complacency and submissions. It can have them attack me in ways I’ll never see coming. They know that the emotional leash over me has been loosening, and they’ve grown to love the grip.

But I keep going. Every way I can, I’m going.

I do it with the thought of the ones closest to me who manage their own experiences in similar or different ways. I do my best to not compare my current status to theirs, even if and when the facts are weaponized against me.

Even if there’s a part of me that wants to believe that I deserved the attack, I remind myself where that idea comes from, and how my desire to never repeat it strengthens by the day, and more by any current experiences.

And as a pastor once said, “the facts aren’t final.”

These are the blessings that I have to remember to count when taking in emotional inventory.

If you relate to any of it, please do the same.
The Accountant

January 9th, 2023

In the healing process, expect to be reminded of all the things you wish you said at times people hurt you. They can be the mental receipts your mind and body will react to in any moment outside of that event.

You might even think of what you could have done in response. Responses that could result in having a record. If/when you’re caught in a hypothetical sense, that is.

The cynical side of me says that only a few people deserved, or still deserve that. The other side says that you don’t deserve the consequences.

“You’re too pretty for jail,” is one of many mantras of mine.

They may wonder why you stay away. Why you unfollow, unfriend, block their account or phone number. Even if you don’t do any of that, a simple “hello” is best given to people that don’t do the things that have them end up on a particular list.

And if they feel any remorse for what they’ve done, they’ll feel your distance. More so if there was a time where you couldn’t go days or weeks without talking extensively about one thing, or nothing. You’ve found new people to do that with. People that won’t trigger what they’ve done, and possibly still do.

The sting of your absence can even have them sit with the stuff you don’t know that they did, and at that point there’s no need for you to know. You’ve enough evidence to move forward and close the account.

Just make sure you’re also in a place to recognize if or when it’s done to you.

Sometimes you may never know what you did to earn it. If you do know, much like them, you’ll find it hard to speak to them without apologizing for the distant or recent past.

And it can work both ways where, to paraphrase a meme, the offense is forgiven, but access is now denied.

So long as you know that you’re capable of harm that’s worth the cutoff(s), and do your best to not be that person anymore, you’ll do fine.

As my last entry stressed, you’ve been around people like that long enough.
Don’t Say a Word

January 6th, 2023

Sometimes I believe that the more you talk about the healing and even imply what you’re healing from, the audience you have can shape who wants to engage with you beyond “likes” and “comments.” That’s assuming you’re connected to them on social platforms.

I have a good amount of those on multiple. It’s hard to tell who’s paying attention and appreciative, versus who’s waiting for an opening to talk about something outside of mental health topics.

And I admit to doing that with a small amount of others in the past, and likely the present unintentionally. But they’re often the ones that know I’m doing my best to be removed from that behavior.

Double respect for those that have given me a chance to speak, long before I had a voice to comfortably project and protect.

Being around the others that refuse to hear even one word of criticism can alter your voice, too. From that, you risk becoming the embodiment of their hurt. You learn how to kill someone’s spirit before their body fades.

But you can’t do it to the sources, no matter who they are. Your silence means more to them than your progress. Especially when that progress is to ultimately stay away from them.

If they cared about who you are, what you’re fighting, who you fought, and why, they’ll pay attention and listen without malice. And it takes time to learn who’s speaking from, and listening with compassion, or who’s speaking to seek, or regain control over you.

But if you stay quiet around the right people, you’ll know who are the best ones to keep around.

D.F
The Good Place

December 23rd, 2022

No matter what you celebrate, if anything, this is always the season to look back at any time you’ve had to prioritize your emotional health. Utilize that knowledge every way you can, and become firm in your boundaries.

The time I’ve been granted time to do this is one that I can’t praise enough. Stresses outside of producing this considered, writing my thoughts out when speaking it often betrays me was a long time coming. Even if the time to continue doing it becomes limited as the weeks go by, the steps I took to get this far are ones I look back on and thank myself for.

That heavily includes the “Letter to My Younger Self” arc, which got this whole thing started.

Even when I think I’ve run out of things to say, something always comes up to spark inspiration. Or even a reminder things I wanted to speak about, or extend thoughts on previous topics, at risk of repetition.

And even with it being a week away towards my fifth month of this page, I know there’s more to talk about that can switch between here, and another project I started that’s inspired by previous posts. And everything said has helped communicate with people better than ever. In text or in person. Good or bad.

I’d say on the phone, but not many do that anymore.

As I’ve said time and again, thank you for showing up and engaging with me, whether it’s on here or elsewhere. I have other posts lined up for February, so you can expect me to show up even next month, too.

No matter what you celebrate, or not, I wish you peace in the last days of the year.
Peacemaker

December 21st, 2022

Knowing when to walk away from a debate or a full-on fight is important. Whether it’s in-person or online, sometimes your peace means more than stating your opinion to someone, or even a group.

This can get deeper when you’re in favor of the rights and liberties of all people, regardless if you’re a member of communities discussed in any debate.

Sometimes, the air can be cleared when all parties can speak to each other that doesn’t trigger ideas of passive aggression, deflection, and undermining one’s views.

For the others, nothing means more to them than having the final say in something you’re at odds about.

Don’t fall for it.

Let your silence be the answer they deserve.

And don’t give them the courtesy of saying they’re right just to end the fight, at the cost of burying your feelings. They love that.

Don’t fall for the traps of “manning up,” “stop being a….,” “don’t you have something to say,” or other fine instigations, especially the ones in your head. Those are the voices of people that need to win. If they’re on the outside looking into your matter, they’re the ones that thrive on chaotic behavior.

If they corner you in any form, do what you must to get away and stay there, because in that case, the best person to keep the peace with is yourself.

D.F.
The Prisoner

December 16th, 2022

(Edited 12/26/2022)

I saw a person once say that anger is based on a place where you expected love and did not receive it. I can relate to that, all the way to how deep it can keep you locked into a place you’ve outgrown.

Dark thoughts have a way to keep us captive for a long time. Even when you find a way to quell them, they manifest into something else. Some outrageous possible event that’s a mix of what has happened and what could happen.

Your mind will make you think of millions of scenarios, sometimes with new ways to do the things you wish you said or did. Specifically in moments where a lack of safety and mistrust existed, combined with similar instances with the same people.

Anxiety and depression are the wardens that can feel hard to escape from, but they can be beaten.

Growing to the point of escaping the sources of those feelings can be helpful. Even while you’re in the environments that cause them, any positive tethers you may have are vital to keeping you set on your goals.

It doesn’t matter who the sources are. Family by blood or in spirit will have their influences. The same with past and present lovers. But your work to break free from them, combined with the boundaries you’ll set against them, will make the tears and screaming all worth it.

You’ll breathe again. Just stay on the path those darker feelings, and the people that project them, want to blind you from. Because nothing hurts their pride more than you walking into your purpose.

D.F
In Search Of…

December 14th, 2022

Sometimes you find something after you rest or quit looking for it. It’s as true for life-changing positive moments as it can be for an everyday object.

When you find it, it always happens at the right time. Like looking for something important before leaving for a meeting early.

You find it and leave later than expected, only to learn that the route you normally take was blocked because of construction, or a major accident.*

They also have a habit of finding you. Not just because you were bent on finding it, but because you took time to breathe. There were other things to grow on before that one thing popped up in sight. One thing being your overall health, not just the mental side.

For me, there have been many financial issues in the past few months, more than I’d like to remember. But pursuing better employment, among other things, required times to rest from searching for it. It wasn’t easy to sift through scams or read more rejections than proposals, but you push onward until you need to relax.

Then, you start up again. But not without looking back at all the growth gained in those down times.

It’s okay to scream, cry, and even safely hit something to air out your frustrations. As a close friend told me, “nothing is wrong with you.” We’re all working to evolve within a system designed to reward conformity, and scrutinize individuality.

You’re doing perfectly fine in your resting states, as you are in your hunts for comfort and stability.

Whether it’s an email about a job opportunity, an approval on your new home, or a good word from a beloved connection, it takes more than hard work to receive it. It takes time to appreciate the things you have and were given during the free time you give yourself, as well as what was unexpectedly given to you.

It’s kind of like the “watched pot never boils” line. Just make sure you’re in the room when it whistles for you to come and get it.

D.F.

*This has happened to me many times. Happened again the day before this entry, which partly inspired it.

(edited 12/15/2022)
G vs. E

December 12th, 2022

Some people will make you believe that there’s only two sides of things, a dark and a light. Nothing in-between, no moderation allowed. Us against “them,” whoever they are, or whoever one side wants you to believe is the “villain.”

They’ll make you believe that being “gray” is foolish and indecisive. They don’t care if it’s a place to make sense of the madness that both sides are putting on each other and themselves.

The gray ones are often outnumbered, but are rarely unmoved in their stance. It’s because they can see the rights and wrongs of both sides more clearly, and hope that they can see the same thing.

But those extreme sides are hard to change. They’ve been their ways for so long, doing anything different will shake them. One side must always rule. They feel that if you disagree, you’re no better than their enemy.

I’ve seen similar cases with the emotionally healed and unhealed.

The healed ones can either be relaxed about their knowledge and journey, or the others that will boast about their inner work. The latter can risk sounding no better than the unhealed ones that are confronted with any of their wrongs, down to using remixed gaslighting and deflection techniques.

The calm ones that are doing the spiritual work, they may not bother having both parties see their errors. They can see who’s authentic about their journey and trials, and instead choose to vibe with them.

They have the right to choose peace, because they’ve survived enough wars within themselves to not care about external reminders and influences.

The calmer healers will still have their moments of backsliding, though. It’s human to forget sometimes who we are, and who we want to be that’s far removed from the unhealed days. They’re far from bad for it, but even they need a reminder of why they started the healing.

Take the time to recognize what side you’re on in the mental health realm. It’s not too late to change your mind to be a safe space for others, just like it’s not an infarction to wave your flag of progress in other’s faces accidentally.

Stay vigilant, and others will come along with you.

D.F.