Tag: Self care

Watcher

October 10th, 2022

TW: Stalking, Assault

Over ten years ago, there was an educational year about privacy.

One situation involved a person we’ll call Rei. It began over unrequited feelings that I expressed. This led to an intricate display of nonsense that you’d expect from high-schoolers, when nearly everyone involved, including myself, was in their mid to late twenties. Not that it excuses much, since there’s people older than me now acting even worse.

Meanwhile, another became more serious. Indirectly involving me and my mother, all over a woman my father dated post-separation that stalked the both of us, on top of nearly taking his life as well. He did little to nothing to take our claims or his assault seriously. We’ll call this one Debbie.

I’m reminded of these two events often. The Debbie one more than the Rei one, seeing as she was a potential physical threat to my entire family. Both have generated their feelings of mistrust towards anyone that felt similar to all parties involved on both sides.

On the flip side, it’s also made me upset at those that declared me paranoid over things unrelated, but triggering the memories.

No one asks for PTSD over anything or anyone. Discrediting their feelings can almost be as bad, or even worse, than the sources of said trauma. It’s why when someone shares anything heavy about their past, hear them out. If there’s a reason to disbelieve them, look deep into yourself about why, and sometimes it may not have to do with any lack of trust built from others you’ve been around.

When it’s come to disbelief at my claims, I’ve let others do that to me for too long. Their access is now limited, or denied indefinitely.

To this day, there are key moments of Debbie’s malic that resurface in other’s actions. Ones that are best left to discuss with my therapist again, given more recent reminders dragged out through him.

Speaking of, Debbie is still out there. The connection depth between her and dad is unknown, but word is they still run into each other at random places, and carry on as if she almost didn’t do something worse.

Too often, I wonder what it’d have been like if she taught him all the way. Given the hints a friend of his has given, someone might.

At least with the Rei matter, I ended that with my then-sense of willpower. There were a lot of steps I had to take before then, which can lead to another entry.

For now, all I’ll say is to be careful out there. Social media alone has made it easier to hunt people down, regardless if they know each other. I don’t know if I can end on a lighter note this time, but thank you for reading.
Mimic

October 7th, 2022

(Edited 1/24/2023)

You can learn a lot about yourself when you’ve lived with a narcissist or toxic person long enough. Their traits become yours, directly or coincidentally.

If at all, it even takes a long time for some to realize that they’ve been victim to their own ills, the ones they openly say they hate in others. After all, they say “you hate the thing you are.”

When you do that inner work, you must sit and think of the pain you gave people. Not because of the influences you absorbed and reflected, but because of your own lack of morals and respect at those times.

Sometimes the fear kicks in about “what if they found about this part of my past, despite my changes?” It’s a valid question, as in recent years, more people on a private and public sector are quickly, and often permanently shamed for their pasts.

That fits better for those that feel no remorse for their actions, and continue living their lives because of their twisted adaptability.

The rest of us? Part of us may feel we deserve it. We may even think, “if they’re being that critical about me, what are they hiding about themselves?” If you fear that, then consider it a good sign of change. It’s one of many great ways of remaining the opposite of who you almost became.

Besides, not all of us may get, or culturally/racially afford, that luxury to come at them the same way. Just do your best to walk in your current truth, instead of living in the past truth the way the critics, or even hypocrites, want to.

I also know how easy it is, and can be to slip into familiar toxic habits and people, especially when they provided false safety in a world like ours.

That’s not you anymore. Not if you’re like me and smiling over getting this far to either read or share experiences to help others.

D.F.
The Invitation

October 3rd, 2022

(Title theme of the month: Horror movies/freestyle)

The importance of knowing who you can vent to cannot be stressed enough. Not just to your therapist if you have one. The people that you know can take in what you want or need to say about your life.

These are the people that hold you up and glue you back together while you wait on your next appointment. If given the opportunity, they get to hear that they’re doing so for you.

What’s equally important is that you ask if they’re in a place to hear you vent. And not just someone to vent to, but to be a willing listener.

Info dumping on some heavy issues without clearance can lead the audience to hesitate wanting to talk with you at most points, or even dare to ask “how are you doing?” Which most times, if they’re asking that, they should either be ready for an abridged take on your feelings, or something that will make War and Peace look like a pamphlet.

And it’s also okay to be cautious in asking if they’re emotionally available to hear you. Mostly because you’ve had people say they will listen, but show in their own ways they regret doing it. Avoiding you is a popular sign, or even triggering when you think someone else may be there for you until they’re away from you.

All the more reason to ask, first. If they say no, try not to put them in the same boxes as those that showed legitimate apathy.

We are all fighting something that we are constantly learning how to speak up about, learn how to counterattack the negative thoughts, or afraid to even put up a boundary or take the first swing on.

The ones that truly care for you will always say anything to the effect of “I’m not in a place to hear you right now, but know that I love you, and care for you.” It means something when they’re in a special place in their life to state this. It’s also a great way to say that when they’re ready, they want and need you to be around to speak your truth.

Be sure you do the same for others if you’re in the opposite part of that exchange. There’s a lot more peace in that than most people will realize, and both sides will unknowingly heal from anyone that’s done the opposite.
The Parent Trap

September 30th, 2022

How many times have you been teased by family members about having a partner and then having a child with them?

Is it often that it comes from family members who have their own relationship issues, which can be byproducts of emotional damage?

How much of a fight are they willing to resist having with you once you give them a response and they’re not ready to hear?

That last one can melt into other topics, but in this one, it can surely hit a soft spot.

With the last relationship I was in, we talked about it, along with external suggestions that a baby should be on the way. For reasons, I’m glad that it never happened.

Only speaking for myself this time, I was nowhere near an emotional state to take care of a child, whether it was by birth or by adoption. That’s because for too long, I was soaking in the trauma bonds that would have made that child grow up a world very similar to the one I was in. And they would not have deserved that anymore than I didn’t.

If you’re the parent or relative of a child who is in a place to have children, and you’ve pushed that idea towards them, ask yourself a few things.

Have you given them the emotional stability needed to bring one in the world? Can you respect their wishes to either not have one, or refuse to let you see them once they are born? Because that’s a possibility that you may have earned, because of your treatment of them.

If you’re a child of a parent who wants you to bring a life here, or have relatives and friends saying the same, stay true to your own choices. Sometimes when they say they want what’s best for you, is only what’s best for them. And there’s a chance that you have lived through enough situations unrelated to childbirth where your needs are a distant second to theirs.

The world is full of enough disheartened and hurting people that are comfortable in their mindsets, or learning how to navigate the world for removed from the old thought patterns. The former may not care, but the latter will not want to pass that on to another grown person, and especially the next generation.

It’s high time that the second group get the respect they deserve.
Gamer

September 28th, 2022

(Edited 1/9/2023)

I have talked about a lot of deep things about my past on here, but here’s one current fun fact about me: I’m a gamer. Not one that stays up on all the latest games, but still keeps my ear to the ground about a few things here and there.

In the time that I have been one, there were multiple personalities explored through it. The fun and the whimsical type, the brooding and melancholic, and anything that’s in between.

This is true when it’s a digital or board game, and too often I have had fun playing them with other people. But I am often reminded of the kinds of gamers that want nothing but to be the star of the show.

I don’t remember if there were any times in the past where I had been that way, but I would not be surprised. Mostly because I can think of more recent years where I had done that in groups outside of gaming, while in others have been able to regulate that mentality.

The former isn’t fun to look back on, but even in a general case, healing comes in waves. I’d imagine the same applies for accountability, except that should be a lot more stapled to your logic versus fleeting.

It’s still a means to escape, though not during the hours of other productive activities.

But there’s one thing I can remember comparing it to long before my healing journey began. It’s that when dealing with certain obstacles, you keep trying until the one way they want you to beat it is complete.

In other cases, it’s fine to handle them a different way than what’s programmed to occur.

It can be through coming back to an area with upgraded gear. Awareness of the battle environments that can benefit you. Even using items you minimally used, or outright neglected early on, until a pivotal moment.

And if things get too hard, or are hard from the start, there are always cheat codes. Just be careful of how you translate comparing that to real life.

This may be a topic worth re-exploring later, but even if you’re not a gamer, you can see how well the logics behind it is relative to our real world functions. In those rare, miraculous instances, you get an extra life, but don’t mess with your real life as if certain codes are on your side.

Otherwise, the game will be over before you even learn how to play it.
The Returner

September 26th, 2022

New situations can bring out old pains. Even when you’re healing from them, they always have a way to come back and jolt you. Not as bad as the first, second, or thirtieth time they happened, but they do.

Try not to be disheartened by the effects, no matter how long they linger. While the circumstances can be unique that reopen emotional wounds, it takes some level of conditioning to talk your way back from that area of triggers.

One example involved a close friend of mine who has been going through a series of their own life changes. They’re not alone in them, and we’ve shared plenty of deep and personal moments prior to these times increasing for them and their family.

In time, communication wasn’t as smooth as it used to be. Our level of closeness beats out others I’ve been this way with, but that gradual departure reminded me of others who did the same with me. Even down to me starting more conversations, until we stopped talking altogether.

It was worse is when I knew/”knew” that they stopped because of me. Either I talked about “nothing” on the phone, or I didn’t have the right tech to keep up with another means to communicate. Or catching them in multiple lies and having them “ghost” you. These events happened during this new phase of healing from everything else, too.

Differences to those examples aside, I felt like this was going to be another one like that. Instead of dwelling on that chance, I talked myself down from it.

Remembering the talks we had where we detailed our gripes and anxieties affecting our interactions, either with each other or with others. The nature of our friendship being more mature, and reflective of our personal growth. How that old feeling I had of the frequent calling, texting, or even “love bombing” in every form, was a product of a life that I knew had hurt and pushed away others, but took longer to realize how much it was hurting me.

I revealed a lot of this the last time we talked, because that’s the depth of our friendship. Trusting each other with our emotions, respecting each other’s time and energy. They did the same, and we’re all the better for it.

Regardless of reasons our friendship differs from our other friends, this is something I remind myself with every comfortable new and old connection.

It’s a healthy way to remember that when or if those repetition-based feelings come back, I’ll know how to fight them back, even if I’m caught in a moment where I forget how to.
Walking Tall

September 21st, 2022

Have you told yourself “I love you” lately?

I know, it’s hard to slow down your daily routine to get the words out. I’m still learning how to, myself. But not only do I like the idea of saying it, but acting on it.

Every time you break from a stressful event. Slow down in your work habits. Eat or drink something healthy yet filling. Read, or write a book or poetry. Draw, yoga, even send funny, insightful, flirtatious, or romantic memes to people. You get the idea.

If you’re one that’s grown up in a world where love was/is expressed in a blend of genuine and hurtful behaviors, it’s okay to take your time in performing purer self-love. It’s a foreign art that the body may reject at first, fearing that it’ll do the same harm as hurtful displays of it have done to you.

Eventually, you’ll learn that it won’t. It’ll be the replacement of the love that you wish you felt in those times where anger represents the absence of true love.

It will protect you, console you, and might even spark bravery in facing those memories tainted by love’s corruption.

The more you speak of it from the heart, the more you project it from your healing experience, the better your vision becomes for a future surrounded by people that feel the same. Even in times of legit stress, you’ll all come together and smile at the shared sense of love you’ll never let go of.

If you’ve already begun, don’t stop. The journey is always the best part.
Face Off

September 19th, 2022

I’ve talked a few times about the notes that I took that led to creating this blog. But have you ever done the same and dared to look back at what you wrote? The person who you were at those times? Was it comfortable or not?

There are some recent segments that I glance over and congratulate myself for having the energy and mind to digitize those thoughts, versus the frequent threat of rumination.

Others I take caution in reading at all, fearing that they’ll trigger moments I’m still prone to be affected by without its provocation.

Even before this effort, there are still notes lingering somewhere that are hard to see. Physical letters that were written to people, a way of airing out my spirit of their influence, then burning them to be rid of it. Those may be hard to find, because I never got to the burning part. Which may have been my issue, until more recent times.

Luckily, my writing is often unreadable to even me, so if they are found, good luck to that person.

Whenever I do come back to those newer parts with confidence and a steady mind, I have to remember that it’s in the eyes of one who’s learned how to face those feelings and control them. Maybe not completely through most days, but better than the times I was scared to flip. Those times that are hard to speak about to even the trusted friends and family.

In small cases, it’s worked. But between the twenty-two pages and counting on my laptop, and the multiple notepad entries on my phone, I’ve got a lot to look through to help myself through this process.

I may not know how much time I have left on Earth, but I’ll continue using a portion of it to do exactly that. It’s my own way to remind myself that the good I believed was in me, the child that survived, has been emerging, winning, and not alone in this fight.
The Quest

September 16th, 2022

The journey to finding a proper therapist is long and often annoying.

For me, it started in 2017, with one counselor that barely got through the intake period before she was transferred to a new office. In the same company, I met another one who seemed like a proper fit for my personal preferences. But insurance issues had me stop going, which in hindsight was a bad idea.

Even worse was after talking with him in prep for my then-insurance to be renewed in early 2018, I learned he was no longer available either. I didn’t want to be disappointed by the company a third time, so I left them, but didn’t search for others. Perhaps I was too deep in my emotions and old coping techniques to care any further.

It wasn’t until 2019 that I not only had better resources, but had to stop relying on a lover to act as my therapist, even as they were seeing one themselves.

The counselor I met during that time was as helpful as they could be. They were attentive, asked questions, and served as an ear that I couldn’t rely on friends to be any longer. Friends weren’t built for some things I wanted to say, and some things I said, some got tired of hearing. Either because repetition without acting on resolution is annoying on its own, or their methods weren’t completely in my favor.

“Move out.” “Get a new/better job.”

There were countless times I wanted to scream that I was doing something about it. It’s easier now to call myself out on the times I meant it for, let’s say, two weeks mx, before falling back into self-pity and other fine states of depression.

Plus it’s hard to move or get a new job so easily when, even during employment, no one wants to hire you.

After losing my job during the first months of the pandemic, one place eventually hired me to do work that offered insurance quickly. It was a temp position, and the state had already rejected me. Risks considered, how could I refuse?

It was the smartest choice, because it was how I met my current therapist, who has been the best one I’ve had to date.

My current one has worked with me in ways that reflected the things I had to learn about myself on my own. Some of those things were sometimes through mutual interactions with various types of people. But it was up to me to remember the questions I wanted to ask, since now there was a sense of trust finally built, and a lot of knowledge to gain.

It’s how I learned about having PTSD. Not to the point of listing it as a disability, but enough to justify the high anxiety and other factors felt throughout time.

Meanwhile, I was writing the notes that inspired this blog. At first, it started as a book concept, but this was something that needed to be out here much sooner. Not just because there are people that can benefit from what I have to say, and have said, but I didn’t want to just do it for the money in a way that reflected certain influences.

The therapist even supported the idea about this blog. They have seen, at least in our meetings, how it’s been helping me cope with the matters I’ve struggled with in my life, and especially in-between sessions.

And now, I wish to use what I’m learning and what I’ve shared towards a space that can offer financial and emotional freedom. Finding the proper ways to do that are not impossible, but I must stay focused on it while retooling a resume here and a cover letter there towards other positions. My therapist even suggested a few places relative to this line of work, which results with them are pending.

Time will tell where I belong. I wouldn’t dare dream of being anywhere less than what I’m walking towards.
A Beautiful Mind

September 14th, 2022

Realizing that my memory loss may result from confirmed PTSD, it’s had me look back at moments that I know happened. Though I hate how some of the more uncomfortable memories risk removing the better ones.

That’s why when people randomly told me about the good that I have done in the past, it’s a great thing to hear. Because in this healing process, I think a lot about the things that I have done, along with what they did to me.

Sometimes I feel like I have to fight harder to remember the good times. To believe the people that said that there was good in me during the dark periods.

It’s not all the time. There are too many things that I can think of that, to this day, still crack me up. Some of those times are just as strong as their premiers. Whether it’s been platonic, romantic, even times when I overhear strangers talking about something has me laughing as I type this out. Those “you had to be there” type moments.

Well, not the romantic ones. That’s between us.

Holding onto those memories are a beautiful thing. They are my own reminders of the joy still worth embracing while I’m still here. But it’s important to remember that others are doing the same for me.

For you, too.

This entire process has its scary moments, but I’m reminded of how the smiles and laughter I had brought to many through all my seasons, is why people choose to stay connected to me, even in this new phase of my life.

It means more than I can ever express.