Follow-up to The Dark Half. CW: S-ic-d-, Language.

I was still learning how to write out my feelings at this time, so talking about this topic early on was a challenge.

To some points it still is.

Too many people have their right to feel uneasy about self-harm. Even if it’s not to end it all, it’s right to be careful about this topic. Some of us have known people that “opted out,” others hide that they’ve considered it mutiple times.

I’ve been both.

I’m still reminded of those days, and the brain likes to play around and confuse the past with how I could or should feel in the present. Thoughts tied to seasons where it felt like this was the only way to escape disappointment, shame, and regret.

I disagree with those ideas. When the disappointment and shame comes from people still hurting about their own past with those feelings, they get artful in how to stick onto you to feel a temporary peace in themselves.

They could care less about the war they left on you. They don’t want to be told about it either. With no outlets to trust, pill bottles, a kitchen knife, or a wrong turn into a ditch feel like the warm hug you’ve been missing.

Fuck that.

Their fight isn’t yours. Never will be. Even if you suggest that being near them is emotionally taxing, they’ll deflect as if you’re the problem.

You never were. And death, while it is a fast solution, it’s not the only one.

It’s great if you can live your life knowing it’s not an option at all, but like I said, it has its ways to creep up and mess with you a little. For me, more than when I wrote that old entry, better safeguards are in place.

Reminders of unconditional love being present and paramount in my life.

Accomplishments great and small that will always be worth celebrating.

People taking time out to tell you that they’re proud of you, cheering for you.

And being a reminder, an inspiration, and messenger of all three to others.

So, naturally if I’m not the one to cancel my subscription to “Life,” I’ll continue to speak life into others the way I learned how to do it for myself.

If you’ve (already) begun this for yourself, you know that some days are easier than others. Still, I don’t have to know your name to know that I believe in you the way I keep believing in me.

That’s the way it can be for more of us, and eventually all of us. One life at a time.

D.F.