Tag: Self-love

What If…?

April 19th, 2023

(Edited 11/27/2023)

I wonder what it’s like to have a “regular” brain?

I often wonder what it’s like to have the life of someone without trauma, ADHD, PTSD, and more.

Would I be on the side of those that have it, even without personal inspiration from others? Or be the closed-minded enemy that finds bliss in ignorance?

I’ve already been on the side of going undiagnosed for years, and not always using my experiences to teach me to be better.

But now I have. I love it. I do my best to write everything that I’m feeling in a moment, so I can use it here to remind myself that I still care.

That I’m better than the old me and the current “them,” a line which, as I wrote this, feels like something I’ve said in a past entry.

Among other things that have changed since then, now I’m listening to some relative music to keep me more settled as I write.

I hope for many of you, as I know too well for others close to me, that you have your ways to keep the peace within yourself to know that you’re better than ever, and there’s little to no need to dive into the negative “what if’s.” Not when so many positive ones have happened for you already.

D.F.
The Crew

April 17th, 2023

(Edited 11/27/2023)

One thing I’ve found hard about this mental health journey is that I have to select my in-person audience wisely.

Even more now that I’ve recently had a “close” person reveal their true feelings about me and my views on key people. I wrote a few posts in relation to that back in December and January.

I hate that I can’t directly share what I know and feel about certain ones. Mostly because of the history of deflection and guilt trips that come in response to it.

I’m grateful that I haven’t let that stop me from sharing what I have, but the more I do it with people face to face, the more confident I feel about outing myself for my efforts these last few months.

As much as I could wish that the people who need to hear this can do so without flexing their egos, I thank them for who they are. Who they’ve chosen to be.

Without them, I wouldn’t have a reason to write any of this.

D.F.
The Blacklist

April 10th, 2023

(Originally written for March 21st, 2023)

Since starting this page, there’s been one thing I’ve had to fight countless times with each post, and that’s throwing out names of people that inspired the posts about negative behaviors. It didn’t stop me from saying titles though, some are more direct than others.

I’ve said again in a previous post how confronting these people is futile, but stating who they are with receipts can help lift the weight of their emotional hold on you.

Honestly, you don’t even have to use evidence for that. Speaking your truth, declaring the need for boundaries, and standing by what you’re against can be enough to hurt them the ways they’ve hurt you.

And for some of us, it’s not about hurting them like that, it’s about releasing the pain they gave us repeatedly.

It’s about ending the hurt of being the scapegoat, the punching bag, and starting the goal to be the breaker of damning cycles.

There’s no room for guilt in the mind of someone that feels they never did wrong. But the more you bring their behavior out into the light, the more it can eat at them and risk self-exposure.

The guilt from their pain isn’t yours to bear. They did that do themselves.

Keep on healing.

D.F
REC.

April 7th, 2023

(Updated 11/27/2023)

Ever since I learned about the “One Party Consent” law in my home state, it’s become helpful in keeping records of moments you know for a fact happened.

The law allows you to be the one consenting party to record conversations which you are specifically involved in, so long as it’s not made with “criminal or tortious intent.” It’s also a problem if you’re recording someone else’s conversation without their knowledge.

In some cases, it became legal, but it’s been a way to guarantee that, if needed, serves as proof that any domestic issues I claim will have evidence to back it up.

I kick myself for the times I didn’t have any recording device on. The things I remember, most of what I’ve said throughout this blog is based on moments like that. Moments that often replay in my mind that I wish I could replay for anyone else.

I don’t have a reason to lie about any of it, but in speaking out about abuse and deception of all kinds, you want to have leverage against those who will lie.

Those that will further convince their sidekicks that they’re still the good guys, the heroes, the victims.

Monsters that can’t be seen without adjusting one’s vision, with or without sunglasses.

Check to see if your state abides by this law. Most have the “Two Party” or more, some outright say “no” to it. But having that “one” can go a long way in proving that nothing is as bright as it seems with your personal relationships.

And if the guilty get wind of it, maybe they’ll act better around you. Then again, if they acted right in the first place, they wouldn’t be the kind of person that this needs to happen to.

D.F.
The Gambler

April 5th, 2023

(Originally written Feb/2023)

As essential as money is for basic living expenses and more, there will always be people ready to abuse its presence as a weapon in their narcissistic armory. Fitting description for something that falls in the “love bombing” subcategory of narcs.

When you’re in a position where close people can “gift” it to you at the risk of guilt tripping you about it later, it makes you appreciate any sources you earn much more. Especially if you’re doing it privately.

Even if you have a livable amount of wealth, they’ll weasel their way into becoming an additional resource. All going back to the points I mentioned above.

The dramatic hold some people have about money is sad, sadder when you treat loved ones more like piggybanks. It’s one thing to ask for help or receive payment for acts of service, but the world would be a better place if we gave greater attention to our mental health than anyone else’s wallets.

D.F.
Fear Factor

April 3rd, 2023

(Originally written Dec, 2022, edited 11/27/2023)

While healing the inner child, I bent to the demands of people that were threatened by my counterpoints. Older, younger, same age, it didn’t matter.

They spoke to that part of me I wasn’t ready to defend. I let them win so many times, that it’s all they know of me. Even down to the moments where they play on things that are allegedly or legitimately of common interest.

To partially quote Hector Berlioz, “time the greatest teacher.” In this case it’s made me aware how much time I’ve given away out of a false sense of fear. The type of fear that was put towards me, and what I put into myself based on their previous judgments.

It eventually inspired two unique thought patterns.

The first being that, in another quotation, how what I want is on the opposite side of fear. The other, I should be more afraid of myself than anything or anyone else.

With them, believing that I’m not worthy, or not allowed to have it yet, are ideas of those afraid of losing their access to me. True for the ones that praised me for an achievement, only to talk down on it later , in hopes to put doubt (back) in my mind.

They won’t say they love it when it works, but by the time I learned of their ways, it was too late. Years of experience leading to how they were ready to do it again, smiling because each time I wouldn’t see it coming.

It’s a sad, annoying way to live, the mental jukes on people they claim to love.

And it’s very easy to consider that line of fear in yourself. More than them being a path to any chaotic actions.

For me, they are there. As much as I’ve built for myself, I refuse to see them carried out.

While some people are beyond words to convince them that their actions are/were wrong, it’s safer for many parties to keep and maintain distance. Not everyone who disagrees will be afraid of that happening to them, but sometimes it gets easier to know who’s who.

D.F.
A Change of Heart

March 31st, 2023

It takes a long time to recognize your own bad habits.

One of mine was that I’ve spent most of it projecting negativity on people I claimed to care about. Some I still care for despite who caused the distance.

I do my best to forgive myself for doing that, and for other habits that were once hard wired.

I often succeed. Still do.

The other times I risk getting stuck in that once comfortable self-pitying. That feeling that you’re not so different from your old self. Like you’ve only learned how to hide it better from everyone, including yourself.

What are your ways to remind yourself that you’re not speaking the uncomfortable ways you used to? The ways which you feel may have driven people away?

What makes you think that will change when you speak about goodness in its place? Have you noticed that the more you speak up about negative traits, the more you attract the like-minded and repel those that benefited from your old self?

And not all people will develop the same way, for reasons I will leave to medical, psychological, and even spiritual experts. But when it’s done, when you even so much as share memes dedicated to whistleblowing the dark behaviors, even most of the suspects and the convicted will want to keep watch.

By the time you take even that much in, will the awareness of that stop you? It hasn’t for me.

My focus is what it’s always been, to leave behind my word and inspire others to do the same when they’re ready. When you are ready.

And if you’re already doing it, keep going. It’s a great reminder that you really have changed.

D.F.
Live to Be a Hundred

March 29th, 2023

This is my 100th post.

What!?

I’m smiling, laughing, and holding some tears back as I write this.

I didn’t have a set number to shoot for when I started. I had the original nine set to go, and figured that would be it.

Then it clicked that there’s more to say. “Maybe I can keep up with three posts a week.” I clearly had the time for it.

But I never imagined getting this far. At times, I didn’t think I’d live long enough to get to it.

And yet, here I am.

Wiser, arguably funnier with many I personally know. Grateful I’m catching myself better with most triggers, and not be discouraged in the ones yet to be managed. Even with most based on location.

I’m still doing my best to leave the unhealed people to their own lanes, yet celebrating the ones I left to their own.

Overall, it’s been a long and powerful set of changes that began in an early season. Always in growth, reminders of grace, and strengthening in faith.

I’ll be posting for as long as I’m allowed to. As I’ve said before, there will always be something new to say, something new to add on to past work, and encouragement to keep the faith in yourself above others. All while making sure that I need a break, which may come soon.

Thanks again for sticking it out with me.

D.F.
Down Low

March 27th, 2023

There is a certain depth that I reach when I’m done with someone’s nonsense. It’s one that others have subjected me too many times because of who I was.

A tiny few have reconnected because of then-proposed and later confirmed growth, but it’s the others that maintained a distance that I draw deeper knowledge from.

Even before my mental health journey began, I had moments of being done with people. Either telling them in private messages, blocking, or the one time to someone’s face.

That depth seems to strengthen with each time, which is a good thing.

Sometimes it was scary. At first because it was new, and given other emotions that I had to wall up to spare others, I was unsure how to control it. Now, I see it like a program running in the background, updating itself with each new account of threats to the entire system.

How they feel about me cutting them off or limiting exposure is their fight, just as much as it is for those you’ve cut ties with. To do that with people that are “danger close” to you does warrant cautiousness, so long as you don’t lose the desire to do so when that distance is established.

D.F.
The Long Kiss Goodnight

March 24th, 2023

There’s nothing like that first genuine kiss after a dark time of uncomfortable partners. It feels like you’ve never kissed a person before. Or that even the good ones in the past were prerequisites for the one that holds you as close as you hold them.

It hits more when you’ve grown to accept and change from any time you may have been uncomfortable yourself. That level of self-discovery can heighten your senses on who you desire as a romantic partner, because you learned what you should be to have a lasting one.

You’ll see many people talk down or praise the “hook-up culture” that’s running wild these days. Others, regardless of age, have learned from uncomfortable experiences how that life isn’t for them.

They want someone to reflect their emotional goals.

A partner that refuses to deviate from their overall goals.

Someone to not reflect trauma bonds.

Someone whose body, mind, and soul was waiting for you to level up and arrive at the right time, and vice versa.

If you so desire that person* for you, and you’re already on the path of self-healing, trust me when I say the wait it worth it.

Whether or not it’s unplanned, you two will know that your 100th kiss will feel as wonderful and safe as the first one was.

You’ve always deserved it.

D.F.

*or people, within specific consensual arrangements.