Tag: Self-love

Gaslight

March 20th, 2023

The lengths some people will go to make you feel your perspective is inferior to theirs is amazing and sad.

It doesn’t matter how close you are, either. Loves, friends, parents, in-laws, anyone with a shred of toxicity in them will make an attempt on your thoughts, especially they are (in)directly threatened.

You could be told to disbelieve your views to your face, and even subtly through videos sent to you. But you know better to tell them it doesn’t work.

Narcissitic and toxic tactics have tuly evolved with the times. They’re only daring to hold their stances because they know methods of healing and emotional growth has strenghtened by both traditional and progressive means.

But as it’s been stated in this blog, and wherever healing is found, talking to the suspects about themselves is a dead end. What they did and are doing to you “didn’t happen.” And the more they do it, the more you’re allowed to believe that love and/or respect no longer exists for them, either.

D.F.

P.S. I’m surprised I didn’t use this title sooner 😉
The Voice

March 17th, 2023

It’s hard to trust anyone that doesn’t talk to themselves, at least not the ones that say things that would land them in any form of custody.

How else would you hear the person inside of you talking sense towards you during the darkest times? Or even calmness during an inner storm? Those times that you choose wisely who to talk with others about.

Often we assign that voice with a type of ideal person, some composite of things you want out of friends, and maybe even a lover. They pop up at the most convenient times, and can even prevent you from negative rumination.

Sometimes, anyway.

No matter what, they represent the part of you that believes in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself. And the times that you believe like they do, never tune them out. Because as a whole, sometimes you’re all that you have until someone proves otherwise.

D.F.
The Descent

March 15th, 2023

(Updated 11/26/2023)

Sometimes, I’ve scared myself.

The more I learned about narcissism and toxicity, the more I woke up about the traits that I put into my own life. Never mind who I learned it from. I’ve discussed it a few times in the past.

I even think about now, where the simplest comments can have hidden layers of getting what I think I want or need from someone. No matter how trivial or vital, it’s like I want anything I say to lead towards my satisfaction.

I could even risk discarding the provider once they met my need.

I’m certain that for as long as it took me to internalize the negative effects it has on others, I did this. In fact, I know I have, and have often felt the karmic response quickly.

This led me to reminders on how bad I’ve felt in responses to my past behaviors. As well as how I feel when I almost say something that would even invite those thoughts, or inspire provision from a would-be target. I think of how bad it was to have realized that in multiple relationship styles.

It’s a constant checking of myself on not repeating what worked on me for decades. To some ways, even now.

What the inspirations of those actions were for me, I would hate to do that to anyone else. And if I asked even one friend in particular if they felt I tried to talk them into something uncomfortable, I would dread yet accept the answer. Only because I know I would make sure it never happened again to anyone, old or new.

Hating these feelings seems to be my proof that I’m still nothing like the guilty parties, or more importantly my old self. I may never know if they feel remorse after they’ve duped anyone like I would or do, and chances are they feel it at some point.

That’s not my business.

They’ve gained enough of my energy, and these last few months have given me time to reclaim it for myself.

I’m the one that matters here. I’m the one thing I can control. Not just in preventing toxic societal and generational mimicry. But by limiting or stopping their lack of empathy from making me equal or worse than them.

D.F
Fighter

March 13th, 2023

CW: Domestic Abuse

(Updated 11/26/2023)

There’s no sugarcoating the effects of physical and emotional abuse a child may bury away in their adult mind.

Into adulthood, they may keep it buried. They might do it by being the life of the party, forcing extroversion on themselves like a drug. Which sadly, the physical drugs can be an option to keep the burial plot intact as well.

For some of us that were abused at any age, the muscle memory for overall self-defense might never go away completely. Not when you find yourself in the presence of one or multiple parties involved in the abuse, and can tell they’d never admit to it.

They may even “forget” it ever happened and dismiss or divert your thinking from their judgment.

That’s why it can be hard for those that (re)discover this to connect with genuine people. The new people may never touch them in a harmful way, but even innocent words from them could remind the victim of the precursors to those bruises. Or worse.

I can’t say that what you went through is what strengthened you and that you should feel brave for surviving it. It’s cliche, tired, and throws more dirt on the emotional burial site.

You deserved to be safe. Protected. Loved without conditions.

And you still deserve it.

What happened, or even happening to you, should not exist. You deserve to speak up about it. No matter your age, their social or familial connection, don’t let it eat you from within.

They revel in believing you suffer in silence.

Fight back by speaking up, if and when you can.

It’s your turn to win.

D.F.
Top Five

March 10th, 2023

(Updated 11/26/2023)

When was the last time you listed things you enjoy?

You know, the things that make you glad to have endured the emotional hurdles that we’re all facing in life?

Some will refer to that list as counting your blessings, which, of course, they are. I have several. Despite their uncomfortable (former) connections, those blessings gave me the time and space needed to clear my head and make more posts about.

The blessings, or whatever you wish to call them, are important to take in. They’re a reminder of the good you deserve to feel. Feelings that you deserved in place of darker times.

And depending on the companies you keep, it’s what you want for others that don’t reflect said dark days. Or be a constant reminder of them when people refuse to change for the better like you have.

I have felt the blessings through many people, no matter how similar or different we are. Ones that trust and believe that I’m working to be better than I was when they first met me.

Some of them met me at much scarier times, but they don’t hold them against me. Not as much as I have towards myself.

Sometimes I still do, they those friends remind me it doesn’t have to be that way.

I’m grateful for their willingness to see what I finally saw in myself. That being the person capable of looking at even a part of that list to keep me from regressing to the unhealed days.

From choosing other ways to live life. Other reasons to stay in it.

Feel the power of your lists of joy. Their power is undeniable.

D.F.
Misery

March 8th, 2023

(Updated 11/262023)

Being of service to those in need can be a taxing act, mostly when they take advantage of your free time to be there for them. Two things they request become twenty, and they feel no remorse towards your discomforts about it.

They have the luxury of not knowing what it’s like to be the person worth avoiding or ignoring, simply because they refuse to act as if they’re not afraid to lose you.

They will even dare to ask you where others are. Ones they expect to be there during their “hour of need” based on circumstantial ties.

But when you’re gone, when your time is limited only to yourself and no one else, they will do everything they can to shame you for your choices. They might even love bomb you back onto your radar.

Naturally, the other weapons hide in the love bombing. The classic guilt trips, the passive aggression, the very things that drove others to resent being kind enough to help them any time they could. Curling their toes as they fear the reaction when they tell them “no.”

It’s even sadder when their reaction doesn’t come immediately. Their toxicity shows when they come for you weeks or months later, to get that victory you denied them long ago.

It’s not our fault that they refuse to see how damaging they are to people they claim to love. If that love is conditional to their servitude, they cannot expect to have the sentiment be returned. At least not with the same energy.

In the end, we serve these people because of who they are in themselves. We may risk loving the person the abuser could have been, versus who they’ve chosen to be.

And the most important feeling of all? Our boundaries, our distance will show them how much we love ourselves more than we may love the abuser again.

D.F.
Ghost

March 6th, 2023

(Updated 11/26/2023)

Have you even had your heart broken by someone with mutual romantic, even intimate interest, yet never gone past the “talking” stage? Or if you’ve gone a little further than that and still be left in the cold?

This can happen in platonic friendships, too, but understanding why can come from different areas.

You may have done something to alter their view of you, and they may not be in a place to tell you what you did wrong. They may even think you’re not in a place to hear you’re doing or have done wrong.

Or they’re the type of person who prefers to let silence be their mark of separation. It’s a choice that’s justified and effective. If they come back, it may or may not include why they left, and by that point, you may have outgrown a need for their presence.

Of course, you can’t rule out some being outright petty and off-putting. Discarding you for reasons that fuel an ego that clashes with any part of you. More if you’ve grown to be more emotionally stable, mature, and growing away from trauma you may have told them about in confidence.

You just can’t tell. If you’re not meant to know, so be it.

As a meme once stated, “if someone ghosts you, respect the dead and move on.” Chances are I’ve quoted this in my blog before, but it bears repeating right here.

And don’t be surprised if you cherish any memories you had with the long-gone people. Don’t let their absence haunt you into believing better memories won’t come with people meant to be around you.

You deserve to think better about yourself, and be around those that feel the same.

D.F
Behind Enemy Lines

March 3rd, 2023

(Updated 11/26/2023)

Where I am in life has offered me an opportunity to do things that would not have been possible the way they are now. Things like this blog. It has given me the rare chance to have made it continue for, as of this passed Wednesday, seven months.

It doesn’t mean I’ve been lazy with my pursuits to escape, but being here has had benefits that lean into talking about a life others can’t or won’t discuss.

One way I’ve thought of it is that everything I’ve learned and still learning is preparing me for experiences that are yet to come. Ones that will make these experiences worth their memories. “Lessons over anchors,” as I’ve said repeatedly through this blog’s time.

As one friend put it towards me, “sometimes you have to live with the demons to form proper weapons.” As an add-on, I think of a fictional character that states “I don’t need weapons. I AM the weapon!”

To me, both can co-exist well.

D.F.
Sparks

March 1st, 2023

(Title themes return to movies and tv)

You never know when things will hit off with someone. For some, it can get right to the point of atavism, whether it’s a one-nighter or several that all amount to no strings.

Others take their time with platonic friendships that grow into something more. It can be for a short, or a long-term period, with various ways of ending or “pausing” for reasons.

Then there’s the hybrid. The ones that start as a fling, but turn into more with each time spent together. The physical intimacy can be fantastic, but the emotional one beats that by a wider margin.

Relationships of all origin styles create a solid template of what you value the most in your overall circles. If you’ve learned that you attract or are attracted to certain types of people, it doesn’t take much to figure out if they’re worth keeping around.

When they’re cut, they leave room for the better connections. Keep in mind that even the new ones can be Trojan Horses for quiz retakes on boundaries and green flags.

As long as you hold on to the lessons, you won’t attract people that make you repeat them. Especially in romance.

D.F.
The Harder They Fall

February 27th, 2023

One of the biggest examples of narcissists getting what they asked for came from an old co-worker that I used to nickname “Vulture.”

That was at a time where my education about toxic people was only based on familiar patterns in my family and some friendships. Ones that I would eventually learn were close to the actual definitions.

So, Vulture primarily got their name because, on top of many narcissistic and toxic moments, they would always swoop in and pick at me with guilt trips and gaslights, often about the help they had given over various issues. Some were more serious than others relative to the workplace we once shared.

But circumstances became intense enough for me to tell them to their face that we were done. It’s the first time I ever did that to anyone face-to-face, regardless of the risks that it posed, down to them knowing where I lived by circumstances.

Some time after my departure from the company, I had learned by chance that he was fired for the very reasons I had cut them off. I wasn’t entirely surprised, but I couldn’t celebrate it either. What joy would I get from another’s karmic misfortune?

Time will always break down those who are in the wrong. You may never be audience to it, and it’s best that you don’t seek to be. But believe that any falls they take because of the negative behaviors they hide are theirs to hold and hopefully learn from. Even if they don’t, that’s not your business, either.

All you have to do is not become someone else’s “Vulture.” Their response may not be as civil as mine was.

D.F.