I’ve talked a few times about the notes that I took that led to creating this blog. But have you ever done the same and dared to look back at what you wrote? The person who you were at those times? Was it comfortable or not?

There are some recent segments that I glance over and congratulate myself for having the energy and mind to digitize those thoughts, versus the frequent threat of rumination.

Others I take caution in reading at all, fearing that they’ll trigger moments I’m still prone to be affected by without its provocation.

Even before this effort, there are still notes lingering somewhere that are hard to see. Physical letters that were written to people, a way of airing out my spirit of their influence, then burning them to be rid of it. Those may be hard to find, because I never got to the burning part. Which may have been my issue, until more recent times.

Luckily, my writing is often unreadable to even me, so if they are found, good luck to that person.

Whenever I do come back to those newer parts with confidence and a steady mind, I have to remember that it’s in the eyes of one who’s learned how to face those feelings and control them. Maybe not completely through most days, but better than the times I was scared to flip. Those times that are hard to speak about to even the trusted friends and family.

In small cases, it’s worked. But between the twenty-two pages and counting on my laptop, and the multiple notepad entries on my phone, I’ve got a lot to look through to help myself through this process.

I may not know how much time I have left on Earth, but I’ll continue using a portion of it to do exactly that. It’s my own way to remind myself that the good I believed was in me, the child that survived, has been emerging, winning, and not alone in this fight.