Tag: Therapy

The Upside

November 20th, 2023

You’re reading the 186th post in this blog.

I can hear you saying “WHAT!?” Or some variant of that. I sure did when I saw the count.

It doesn’t even matter if it was a short one on a topic or announcing a break of some sorts. What matters is that I took the steps needed to make this what it is. It’s become more than what I imagined it becoming over a year ago.

My past attempts at blogging don’t matter as much as this does. I was lucky to even break double digits back then, grasping for ideas to keep writing in it to feel relevant to someone else besides me.

And I’m a place now where I can say that none of that was a mistake.

Sometimes, the things we made in our past are best seen as bricks that were laid off the blueprint of old intellect. Production can stall, or even be canceled in favor of better foundation. But you never stop building.

I won’t either. See you at 200.

D.F.
Remember the Time

November 13th, 2023

Even with everything I’ve shared and grew through in this blog, there are a series of things that once haunted me.

Doesn’t matter how old I was, or what level of intellect I wished I had in questionable and dark choices. I still have reminders of how I shouldn’t hurt myself for being who I was in old seasons of miseducation and ignorance.

We all owe ourselves forgiveness for who we were. The harder you cringe, curl your toes, or even shadowbox at who you were, the better you’ve become at not repeating those actions.

If there were cases where people were affected by our old choices, thoughts of them seeing us as that person may still live within. Sad as it may feel, it’s not our job to convince them that we’ve changed for the better.

As long as we know we have, it’s a way to keep seeing those seasons as lessons and not anchors.

I’ve said the last line many times in this blog, and it’s going to be said again in the future. Mostly because there are still things I’m sure I have yet to see that way. Some finally got that treatment this month, decades after most events.

That’s proof of how important it is to take your time in growing and healing from things you may still fight yourself about. You still have the right to take those stories to the grave, while sharing lessons you’ve learned from those rude days.

Forgiveness is still a key way to share those lessons without the weight of the past halting or stopping your progress.

Your future self will thank you.

D.F.
Breathe

November 3rd, 2023

(Note: This was originally written in August 2023. Enough of it is still relevant. Enough to even keep its original title.)

Even with everything that I have shared and have been able to process since this started, I’m still learning how to protect myself from emotional attacks based off past events. It’s hard to do when you share any space with people that can do that at any time they please.

Regardless if anyone is in the room with you or not, they may have mastered the ability to dig at you subtly or with enough strength to keep making your business theirs, and their ego priority.

They may want you too exhausted to fight, or to get the last word in. But that’s where they’re wrong. No matter how well they can get either one, it shouldn’t change your mind about who they are and what needs to be said about them.

What they do with that information, and what my sources will do about mine, will have to be left up to chance. And I know that time is coming soon.

I might even be the reason behind letting it leak. I’ll be sure to let it be known what the results are. Long time followers deserve that much, just as much as the new ones.

Until then, I just have to remember to breathe to regulate everything and anything that comes to mind that sets those moments off inside me. It’s saved me so far, but I can’t say for how long.

Then again, I didn’t get this far by doubting my ability to push through it. There was a time that I doubted this blog would go past a month, or a week at least. It’s served as a reminder to keep going, fighting, and breathing.

Many will support me, but no one can do it for me. That’s what I have to make sure I keep stepping forward. So much, that the last steps out of certain houses will stay that way for good.

D.F.
Stay Home

October 25th, 2023

(Edited 10/26/2023)

For a long time I have been hearing and being told to appreciate what I have now against being frustrated over what I don’t have yet.

Maybe there is angst about that because there’s always been sense of selfishness and control that’s desired from people that want me around for their needs. The same people that are quick to remind me of them after I tell them what I want for myself.

That’s what makes it hard to look at any spin on the “be grateful for what you have” line. I could easily tell myself that the benefit of being here has been to be fueled by inconsistency, trauma, and many secrets to finally speak about it in a style that would be common in this MH space, but unprecedented within many of my family ties.

And for the many reasons I am grateful that I’m not in another space to call my own that’s removed from these environments, sometimes I have wondered if I would have been in a space to have written any of what I had?

I don’t think so.

I would have been in any given location* operating under even remnants of the systems that I grew up with, and believed I was fond of. I would have done more harm to myself than good if I stayed in that place while maintaining a new one.

So without being where I am now physically, the one thing that I can remain grateful for is the chance to fulfill this mission that I may as well have been built for, or even called to begin. I want to believe that others throughout personal generations started it in their own ways.

Who would I be if I wasn’t accepting the call to continue what they began?

D.F.

*This will branch to another topic this Friday.
Control

October 4th, 2023

This is inspired by some recent advice I got about an active event. Same could be said about most of my past posts, and even this one could be more of a remix to past ones. Which is okay, because it’s clearly still a thing.

There will be a point when people that you’ve removed from any type of connection will try and re-establish something with you. That FOMO feeling coupled with the hopes that you forgive and have forgotten why the cut off or restrictions happened in the first place.

There may be some cases where you will and are able to hold the line. I love those.

Other times, you may have to make the reconnection exist, if only to stop it from causing more drama than what started the previous cut. Especially if you’ve chosen to be cordial in person, but never as close as you used to be.

If at all.

It’s not like they would do anything stupid again to earn your wrath for the last time, right?

Well, if they surprised you with their frequent disrespect before, and you both know that they did it, you may as well be ready for it, as they should be ready for more of your undeniable receipts.

Whichever side you lean to, don’t lose sight on the things that you have grown towards, and who you have grown with in their absence.

The others may express some jealousy coupled with guilt tripping, but they got what they earned.

But it’s nothing compared to what you earned without them.

D.F.
I Am Alive

October 2nd, 2023

(Title theme of the month: Games/freestyle)

I’ve been doing a lot more inner work and thinking in the last few weeks from my break from here.

I thought a lot about revealing my page to a larger audience through my social media account(s), at the risk of it getting back to people close to me that won’t like what they see. Not just because most of it reflects on them.

I took time to dig deeper into moments that I mentally ran away from. Times that I never fully or partially thought of during my times writing this blog. Ones that I wonder if it’s too late to apologize for old habits. Or even current ones I didn’t mean to repeat.

I made sure that the new set of entries try not to repeat what’s been said before, unless it’s for the sake of offering new perspectives on revisited topics. Especially in the realm of narcissism, toxicity, and DV.

I can’t promise that, but I do promise to check myself as best as I can on it, and more. Just like how I had to check myself on writing something just to meet some self-made quota to kick off my return. Something like that doesn’t deserve to be rushed or forced, the latter even more.

The first post back had to be as honest and revealing as I eased myself into being for over a year. It’s been one of the best commitments that I’ve made with myself in a long time. Not as much as ones involving the choice of not “skipping to the end.”

There is a purpose in returning to share my thoughts this way. I don’t have to see it right away to not believe in its arrival. Even with ways that I do plan to make soft reveals of this blog connected to my other “lives,” I’ve done enough to let people know that there’s more to me than being entertaining and geeky.

And I had to remind myself, as my therapist also reminded me, that this began as a means to help myself most of all. The longer its lasted, the more I’ve seen it become a blessing for me and others, either in text, or in person.

Wherever life goes from here on in this continued journey, I’ll never forget how it started, just as much as those will remember who I became because I did.

D.F.
Something Like That

August 30th, 2023

Recently, I came up with a sentence that could be an oversimplification of describing a narcissist:

“Always the cop, never the suspect.”

Speaking mostly from experience, they’ve always been the ones to question you about the smallest things, often leading to them demanding your attention.

They value control, and love having authority over the presumably “weak.”

But the moment they’re under the lamp, when you have a question or make a judging statement, they turn it on you so you’re too blind to continue. They’re masters at it, even when the evidence against them is undeniable.

And whether it’s by law, public views, or both, they’re always ready to fight back. Deflection is the body armor, denial is the sidearm, and projection is a full clip.

Guilt tripping can be the night stick, but some would rather shoot first.

D.F
It’s All Good

August 28th, 2023

Reunions with old friends can be tricky. Depending on how long it’s been since you’ve seen each other in person, mixed with any level of usage with social media, surprises are inevitable.

If you’ve recognized that you were once in a place where inner work wasn’t done, and that you’ve since committed to doing it, people will feel it from you and choose whether you’re a teacher, an ally, or a threat.

The longer and/or more intimately someone’s known you, the better their chances of feeling that. It’s better than you making some vain effort to shout “I’M HEALING!” Your character will say that louder than your lungs.

And if the absence in-between you and them is due to things that could have been managed around life in general ([post-]pandemic considered), ask yourself if the reunion provided grounds for the link(s) to revive, or stay as they are.

That can be as simple as to come when asked for if you can/want to, while not calling them when you think their company is needed for the things you built without them. They were building in your absence as well. Working towards destined paths can be like that.

Honor the new life and character that you’ve made for yourself before, during, and after any reunion. The ones meant to be there as it continues to grow won’t fight themselves to cheer you on. They’ll show up as naturally as you’ve begun, and continue to show up for yourself.

D.F
Miracle

August 18th, 2023

The first week of August had some serious revelations come to me about something I had known, but never fully processed until I was forced to. All thanks to a possible misunderstanding on my end regarding money, a topic that will always spark the worst in certain people.

I’ll spare the details, but it was a situation that I can claim responsibility for. What still upsets me the most about it is that this is another reminder of one-sided accountability. The type that will and could eat me alive if I let it.

A few things did come to mind to help ease those thoughts and others linked to it. Like scapegoating, being the insecurity/trauma dump, and more.

First is that these people will never change. No matter who they hurt, and how close those hurt people are, their comfort lies in seeing success in who they chose to be. Expecting change even on a minimal level is best left towards what we’re doing for ourselves.

Second is that trying to understand why they are like this is still not out business. Even if there are clues and stories tied to the answers, our fight to not repeat their mistakes and our own, and that means more than they’ll ever understand.

The biggest one is something that I’ll first say that this can apply to anyone regardless of your religious beliefs, if any.

Rev. T.D. Jakes put it best that “the greater the attack, the greater the blessing.” That hit well for the disclosed moment, the feelings that it stirred, and will continue to hit deeper as I look back at other times this could apply.

I’ll always praise the people that are physically far, yet emotionally closer than too many people because of that last point alone. It’s exhausting, sad, yet promotes a form of compassion that can only come from believing I deserve better, and can give better than what I have before.

And I’ll do everything I can to celebrate that openly, while motivating others to find that in themselves. Anything but dwelling in the misery the others often project.
D.F.
Mind Playing Tricks On Me

August 9th, 2023

I do my best to not believe in the voices that claim that I should have done more than just create this blog over a year ago now. The ones that I am sure I addressed before that are based on the past and present people in my life who expect more out of you, at the high chance of them wanting your attention towards them more.

And it gets exhausting up here. Wondering whether or not it’s me telling myself these things, or voices inspired by those people? Sometimes it feels like a blend of the two, often leaning towards the other side.

But I have to remember that I have been following orders, demands, and on rare occasions threats for so long, quieting those inner thoughts is an exercise in itself. And I’m sure the longer I could have gone listening to them, the faster I would have ended up anywhere but writing as long as I have.

And that’s why I need to keep doing it. To do more than to bend to voices of even the departed that, if they were here today, would have been cut off. Which honestly can be a topic on its own, but still has earned its place here.

I just know that whatever is next for me as I continue this journey on here, and elsewhere, the last thing I need to do is rush towards it. Forcing myself towards the things I wanted the most hasn’t always worked out, but the steady pace always did, and I’m sure the same will apply here.

All I have to do is keep going.

D.F.