Part 4 of 9

TW: Domestic Abuse, PTSD

(Edited 12/1/2023)

Not too long ago, I learned about a thing called “trauma bond.”

You’ll need to read more about it, but the best way I’ll describe it now is when you have a link to something that you know hurts you, but you find a repetitive, twisted sense of comfort from it.

Often it’s inspired by your environment, the people that raised you that will explain why you have the friends you do, and get attached to similar love interests longer than necessary, or at all.

It’s because you don’t know how to say “no,” because you grew up in a world where “no” was an answer reserved for the Sources, which in your case are our parents, without challenge. People that will gaslight you into submission, all part of their habit of turning your “no” into a “yes,” then claiming that they love you after you’ve met their demands.

They also get a kick out of dismissing your feelings to flex their ego. You’d have to be hospitalized to have an excuse to not be of any kind of service, the type you’re occasionally forced to care about.

These are the people that you will come to learn that you’ve mimicked in certain ways, with connections outside of them.

You’ll even wonder, “why am I almost dating the same hurtful people?” “Why am I so quick to make friends I feel aren’t right, but ignore that feeling only to regret it later?”

Because it’s what you’ve known to be love in all of its forms, even when it’s not exactly like the examples I said. It resembles it in a way that feels right for so long until you’ve had enough. Not just of the patterns and the people that held them. But of the Sources of that attachment.

Repeatedly, they will show you they refuse to change, and will kick and scream about being a victim while sprinkling in some mess about their mortality. You know, the classic “what if I die,” complete with some latent acting talent to break their voice up to imply tears.

They’ll do that hard until you (re)subscribe to their claims of being a “hero.”

Your “hero.”

Real heroes don’t make you believe they are one just to avoid judgment of their sins. Real heroes hold themselves accountable and improve on their faults. Not use others they claim to love as punching bags for their insecurities.  

These so-called heroes will also claim you’re comfortable in the things they provide you, when in reality it’s a way to buy your silence about their true natures. Ones that you won’t see change, unless it’s for the worst.

And they love doing it when no one else it around, or when they think they’re not being recorded. Luckily, your state recognizes “One Party Consent.”

Just know that the anger you feel towards them is real, justified, and deserves to be shared without their control or consent. But believe it or not, you’ll learn how to do it so they can’t come after you. Or by the time they do, it’s too late.

Because you’ll grow up to be a person who would never disguise a transaction as a birthday gift.

You won’t tell someone to not tell another that a big check is coming for you, then go behind their back to tell that other person, just so they ask for a cut.  

You won’t be someone who sits by as the lover that nearly beat you to death in your own bed, stalks the rest of your family with harmful intent.

You won’t snap on someone for stating they’re surprised you’re still with a person who abused them in similar ways to their last partner.

You won’t ask someone, including your child, how much they’re making every time they get a new job, or ask for the house address of a friend just so they can look them up on GPS for no reason.

You won’t be the type of parent to guilt trip your child about going on a honeymoon, or not put a single cent into their wedding.

You will be better. Better than their mistakes and your own.  

Meanwhile, they will feel and fear the change, and in their own ways, declare it to be their enemy. Just like they have and will in person.

But in time, they will respect it. Or not.

That’s their fight. You’ll win yours.         

D.F.

Part 3, Part 5.