CW: Religion themed link

How I’ve managed the past and present trauma, and how I’ve used it to communicate with people, is something I don’t always sit and give myself respect for.

I feel like I fall into the patterns of working on so many real world situations that I can and will change, ones removed from the trauma work. But then comes the reminders during those periods that show how I used to handle matters, versus how I do now.

It can scare the people that are comfortable with my complacency and submissions. It can have them attack me in ways I’ll never see coming. They know that the emotional leash over me has been loosening, and they’ve grown to love the grip.

But I keep going. Every way I can, I’m going.

I do it with the thought of the ones closest to me who manage their own experiences in similar or different ways. I do my best to not compare my current status to theirs, even if and when the facts are weaponized against me.

Even if there’s a part of me that wants to believe that I deserved the attack, I remind myself where that idea comes from, and how my desire to never repeat it strengthens by the day, and more by any current experiences.

And as a pastor once said, “the facts aren’t final.”

These are the blessings that I have to remember to count when taking in emotional inventory.

If you relate to any of it, please do the same.