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The ABC’s of being a POS: Intro
(Edited 08/09/2024)
Note: This upcoming series is for entertainment and educational purposes only. If you wish to learn more about mental health, abusive behaviors, and support, please talk to your primary physician’s office, or a licensed professional.
For emergencies, please call 911, or call 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Life is full of a healthy balance of people that deserve hugs or suplexes.
Sometimes both.
There’s a long list of examples of these people in both the past and present, public or private figures, and all types of relationships.
No matter what, the world has its shares of people that deserve attention as much as the others need to be starved from it.
This is dedicated to the second half.
By now you’ve assumed that the POS in the title does NOT mean “point of sale.” It means the other thing.
The one that made you think of a person or people who could understand physical actions more than a sentence about their behavior.
And even though one word or phrase will sometimes be used for each letter, they are not limited to them.
Consider each one a gateway into others that, like the ones chosen here, are tied to each other, and will be mentioned and even repeated within most of them.
So, if you or someone you know is a POS, and you’re looking for how to increase your villain potential, you’ve come to the wrong place.
After all, what better way to talk about the tricks and tips in ways that match your actions towards your targets/marks?
No matter what, remember this quote as this journey begins:
“If it hurts you, it’s about you.”
-Kingston Priest
P.S. – It is understood that there are those with undiagnosed or misdiagnosed mental conditions which will have similar behaviors mentioned here. This is in no way meant to offend them, or their related parties. This project is dedicated to those who choose to behave certain ways that deserve to be spoken about.
First: Animosity
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Ghost
(Updated 11/26/2023)
Have you even had your heart broken by someone with mutual romantic, even intimate interest, yet never gone past the “talking” stage? Or if you’ve gone a little further than that and still be left in the cold?
This can happen in platonic friendships, too, but understanding why can come from different areas.
You may have done something to alter their view of you, and they may not be in a place to tell you what you did wrong. They may even think you’re not in a place to hear you’re doing or have done wrong.
Or they’re the type of person who prefers to let silence be their mark of separation. It’s a choice that’s justified and effective. If they come back, it may or may not include why they left, and by that point, you may have outgrown a need for their presence.
Of course, you can’t rule out some being outright petty and off-putting. Discarding you for reasons that fuel an ego that clashes with any part of you. More if you’ve grown to be more emotionally stable, mature, and growing away from trauma you may have told them about in confidence.
You just can’t tell. If you’re not meant to know, so be it.
As a meme once stated, “if someone ghosts you, respect the dead and move on.” Chances are I’ve quoted this in my blog before, but it bears repeating right here.
And don’t be surprised if you cherish any memories you had with the long-gone people. Don’t let their absence haunt you into believing better memories won’t come with people meant to be around you.
You deserve to think better about yourself, and be around those that feel the same.
D.F
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Behind Enemy Lines
(Updated 11/26/2023)
Where I am in life has offered me an opportunity to do things that would not have been possible the way they are now. Things like this blog. It has given me the rare chance to have made it continue for, as of this passed Wednesday, seven months.
It doesn’t mean I’ve been lazy with my pursuits to escape, but being here has had benefits that lean into talking about a life others can’t or won’t discuss.
One way I’ve thought of it is that everything I’ve learned and still learning is preparing me for experiences that are yet to come. Ones that will make these experiences worth their memories. “Lessons over anchors,” as I’ve said repeatedly through this blog’s time.
As one friend put it towards me, “sometimes you have to live with the demons to form proper weapons.” As an add-on, I think of a fictional character that states “I don’t need weapons. I AM the weapon!”
To me, both can co-exist well.
D.F.
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Sparks
(Title themes return to movies and tv)
You never know when things will hit off with someone. For some, it can get right to the point of atavism, whether it’s a one-nighter or several that all amount to no strings.
Others take their time with platonic friendships that grow into something more. It can be for a short, or a long-term period, with various ways of ending or “pausing” for reasons.
Then there’s the hybrid. The ones that start as a fling, but turn into more with each time spent together. The physical intimacy can be fantastic, but the emotional one beats that by a wider margin.
Relationships of all origin styles create a solid template of what you value the most in your overall circles. If you’ve learned that you attract or are attracted to certain types of people, it doesn’t take much to figure out if they’re worth keeping around.
When they’re cut, they leave room for the better connections. Keep in mind that even the new ones can be Trojan Horses for quiz retakes on boundaries and green flags.
As long as you hold on to the lessons, you won’t attract people that make you repeat them. Especially in romance.
D.F.
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The Harder They Fall
One of the biggest examples of narcissists getting what they asked for came from an old co-worker that I used to nickname “Vulture.”
That was at a time where my education about toxic people was only based on familiar patterns in my family and some friendships. Ones that I would eventually learn were close to the actual definitions.
So, Vulture primarily got their name because, on top of many narcissistic and toxic moments, they would always swoop in and pick at me with guilt trips and gaslights, often about the help they had given over various issues. Some were more serious than others relative to the workplace we once shared.
But circumstances became intense enough for me to tell them to their face that we were done. It’s the first time I ever did that to anyone face-to-face, regardless of the risks that it posed, down to them knowing where I lived by circumstances.
Some time after my departure from the company, I had learned by chance that he was fired for the very reasons I had cut them off. I wasn’t entirely surprised, but I couldn’t celebrate it either. What joy would I get from another’s karmic misfortune?
Time will always break down those who are in the wrong. You may never be audience to it, and it’s best that you don’t seek to be. But believe that any falls they take because of the negative behaviors they hide are theirs to hold and hopefully learn from. Even if they don’t, that’s not your business, either.
All you have to do is not become someone else’s “Vulture.” Their response may not be as civil as mine was.
D.F.
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Time
People are going to surprise you in the most beautiful, shocking, vibrant, horrifying, and magnificent ways. Surprising yourself is part of that. Whether it’s a onetime action or a consistent one, we choose to do what we feel is right, often without concern of the effects it will have on anyone.
I always think about the times people surprise me in those ways I mentioned, wondering if they do the same. If what they did in the right still feels good to them, or if they’re aware that they insulted another.And I try not to. When the brain’s not active on something in the present, it will risk rumination. It can still happen, more if it’s based on repetitive hurts from the same people. It’s happened in the middle of writing many of these entries.
The rumination is something I’ve learned how to quiet for a while when the moment calls for it, but the slips still get heavy. Surprising in its haunting ways. When those moments pass, it takes a bit to not beat myself up about it. Just to learn that the hurt that inspired it is worth managing a different way.
The way I’ve relearned how to manage those thoughts has been a mix of remembering the kinder times people surprised me with their love and support. Either in a few words, prayers, a positive or funny meme/video, anything.
Those memories matter just as much as the others that inspire boundaries. The type of boundaries based on those that act kind, until they don’t. Disrespecting your emotions, your intellect, with no sign of stopping even when they’re told what they did to hurt me.
Setting your own boundaries are a significant form of self-love. It’s almost aligned with the love that we can receive from genuine people, friends, and family. It’s a great way to continue surprising yourself, too.
D.F.
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Ma
CW: Domestic abuse
Mothers, in the biological sense, are the ones that brought many of us into this life. There’s no denying that. From there, they become an influence on how we interact with people throughout our lives.
Some of us are fortunate to have a mother that can recognize their own toxic patterns and actively do better for themselves and their family.
Some may even open up and tell you how they were treated, and hope they don’t repeat those patterns on to you.
But they are still human. With humanity comes the fallacy of being perfect and devoid of judgment. What they do with that realization can define all of their relationships. Especially if they have children of any age.
Pray for the child that will never hear an apology for any abuse the mother is guilty of. Even if they slowed down their history of being physical, their mental attacks can cut deeper. Often reminding you who they choose to be, while confirming what they are in the back of your mind and under your breath.
The mothers that have grown past their trauma, you are respected and loved to the highest form. As the most socially recognized protectors of your children, it is your duty to make sure their struggles and darkness is defended by you, and not coming from you.
All of this can apply to fathers as well. But one group at a time.
D.F. -
Down to Earth
The top reason I’ve created this blog is because tomorrow isn’t promised. Whatever happens to me in the future, I want something left behind of me that said that I believed in myself. That I believed in gaining something better than the toxic uncertainty of my current environments.
I want this to show that there’s progress to be had and made from confronting and being open about my perspective of the past and present. One that others refuse to acknowledge ever happening, even with proof.Being more open in these thoughts, as well as my self-respect in the last six months of this being made, has shown me who’s worth celebrating for sticking with me in these years of growth that led to this blog’s creation.
For the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking about what I may do beyond this month. Start a new format, maybe even talk more about the positives that are in life, because they truly do exist.
That, and because I can only write and remix some of the same thoughts repeatedly for so long. Even the remixes are often based on new thoughts that failed to come out in previous related entries.
Emotional growth, though, is a series of fluctuating, chaotic waves. The deeper it goes, the more memories can surface that you never considered being part of a decades-long problem. Problems you refuse to add to, or distribute elsewhere.
So with that, it’s best for me to not change the format. Worry for me if I stop sharing what I’ve worked hard to summon the courage to do in any form, on any site.
Some of you don’t even know my name, age, gender, sex, any of that. And you’re still here, for reasons I would love for you to share with me. It’ll help me know that I’m doing something more than just putting likable words together.
From the beginning, and in the end, I’m not doing this just for me. I’m doing this for anyone that was in the same place that I was for a good portion of my life until six months ago. To finally find, or even let that inner voice out, the one that wants to speak up on issues, at the chance of encouraging others to do the same, and even begin a conversation.
Some of my favorite talks with friends and occasionally strangers revolved around the topics presented here. I hope that never stops. Because even if I have to slow down posting because of a mix of both desired and unforeseen life changes, stopping won’t be an option.
But trust that when I need a break, I will do my best to announce that I need it. You, the people who’ve followed me for so long, deserve to know that.
As always, thank you for being here with me. It means more than I can even put into words.
D.F.
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Spawn
And now, for the children. Naturally, the ones that can navigate to this and take in what I’m saying.
Your feelings are valid. The pains and joys you’ve chosen to share with safer people are allowed. Anyone that forces you to treat them that way is behind you, or will be when that time comes.
Some of you have even heard things like “s/he’s your (insert family label)” your entire lives, or the blanket statement of “we’re family.” It’s often from people that grew into that life so deeply, anything countering it gets treated as heresy.
If you can’t avoid it, let them speak. It’s hard enough to “grey rock” or firewall direct toxic statements from parents, family friends, and/or older relatives. But if you feel the need to speak out in the moment, do so with the same level of safety that you may have to with the others I mentioned.
You have every right to feel emotionally exhausted from defending your healing, whether you’re new or a veteran like me. The opponents won’t understand you. They may even hate you for being this way.
Let them.
You are growing into everything they could have been for you. Deep inside, they know it, and they’ll know that you know they know it, all because of how you walk around them. And if you haven’t already, how you’ll walk away from them.
D.F.
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The Parent Hood
I have a varied list of readers that appear on here and on IG. Some that I personally know in different ways, others I do not.
But this entry will be dedicated to anyone that is a parent, whether it’s by biology, by law, and other means.
I hope that you’re the type of parents that loves your children unconditionally. If they can’t give you anything you ask for, never shame them for it, or hold it against them at some later date. This is an effective way for them to learn how to love others because of your example, and never grow to redefine it in spite of you.
If there’s a reason they are uncomfortable around you, own up to it. Find it within yourselves to correct it and stay in that correction. Your children will keep receipts of your (mis)deeds more accurately than anyone outside the family. And that kind of ink never dries.
Listen to them when they want and need to be seen and heard. Too many shut themselves in around their parents because others want them to speak their mind safely. If you are not a safe space for them, pray they find one that doesn’t lead them to arms bearing more thorns than yours.
If you wish to share your troubles, do so with sincerity. No ulterior motives, no guilt trips, just a pure declaration that you’re willing to understand what you’re going through. They are your children, solely meant to be anything but your emotional punching bags. Pray they don’t learn how to hit back without lifting a finger.
Surely there’s more to say, but it’s enough to let those already doing the healthy thing to agree or add on to. Anyone on the opposite end is in their right to feel differently, just as it’s their children’s right to act accordingly to their feelings towards them.
D.F.
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Solo
It’s been a long time since I have dated someone exclusively. There were a surprising amount of dates, more than I even could have expected as I entered my healing saga.
But even as some stand on varied levels of friendship, and another I completely dismissed, I knew something. As uncomfortable being by myself is on a romantic level, this is also the time I needed to get other things in order.For a long time, even with signs of attraction from others and more, I convinced myself that nothing solid would come my way during that developmental period.
Someone pleasantly proved me wrong, but I’ll leave it at that.
There’s always that time many go through where they are alone in the romantic realm. Not all of us can reframe it as one to develop and let the surprises come naturally. It’s harder when there are those of mutual interest who are states, or even time zones away from each other. But love always makes things work at the right time.
D.F.
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