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The ABC’s of being a POS: Intro
(Edited 08/09/2024)
Note: This upcoming series is for entertainment and educational purposes only. If you wish to learn more about mental health, abusive behaviors, and support, please talk to your primary physician’s office, or a licensed professional.
For emergencies, please call 911, or call 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Life is full of a healthy balance of people that deserve hugs or suplexes.
Sometimes both.
There’s a long list of examples of these people in both the past and present, public or private figures, and all types of relationships.
No matter what, the world has its shares of people that deserve attention as much as the others need to be starved from it.
This is dedicated to the second half.
By now you’ve assumed that the POS in the title does NOT mean “point of sale.” It means the other thing.
The one that made you think of a person or people who could understand physical actions more than a sentence about their behavior.
And even though one word or phrase will sometimes be used for each letter, they are not limited to them.
Consider each one a gateway into others that, like the ones chosen here, are tied to each other, and will be mentioned and even repeated within most of them.
So, if you or someone you know is a POS, and you’re looking for how to increase your villain potential, you’ve come to the wrong place.
After all, what better way to talk about the tricks and tips in ways that match your actions towards your targets/marks?
No matter what, remember this quote as this journey begins:
“If it hurts you, it’s about you.”
-Kingston Priest
P.S. – It is understood that there are those with undiagnosed or misdiagnosed mental conditions which will have similar behaviors mentioned here. This is in no way meant to offend them, or their related parties. This project is dedicated to those who choose to behave certain ways that deserve to be spoken about.
First: Animosity
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War Games
(Edited 11/15/2023)
With a narcissist, victory is the only thing that matters. You may have stood your ground over an issue in a moment, but it sticks with them.
Hours, days, weeks, even months later, they will come back on you with something they know you can’t win against.
They will beat their chest in front of you as if you were being punished for defying them.
As if they ate.
How long does it take until they finally choke on their words?
Unfortunately, it’s not for us to decide when. Unless you want to get in trouble for it, then they’ll win even more for looking like the victim they are proud to be. Anything to make you look inferior to them.
Anything to keep the positive fragile image they’ve built with others intact.
If they don’t feel threatened by you, or anything that you can, yet should say, you are in a “safe space.”
But we know the truth.
If it was safe, there wouldn’t be any reason to have the outbursts that we have over what they’ve done. What we feel they could still do. Outbursts we’re afraid to tell our unconditional loved ones about, at the risk of scaring them.
That’s why it’s up to us to keep moving and regulate any residual emotions that were picked up from them throughout time.
In doing this, it can be like what they’ve done to us. Using our history, our entire being, as a weapon to win every fight they start.
Only this isn’t about narcissism. It’s about the emotional separation of the person we thought we should be for them, over the one we know we deserve to be.
Our awakening, our freedom, is the narcissist’s greatest enemy.
Let’s be that. Better yet, let’s be our own heroes.
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The Color of Money
There’s no denying that money is important in our society. No matter how someone continues to earn it, that’s what they need to achieve or maintain a lifestyle not they aspire to.
But when you’ve lived around people that will bully you about it in some form or another, you can’t help but get disgusted by the idea of money.
The hold that it has on their ego, often leading to gambling addictions.
Even worse, when you can’t get a new job without someone close asking you how much you’re making each time. They will claim that it’s about making sure you’re working for what you deserve, or even hoping you’re making enough to establish something for yourself.
Truth is, the second part can be right, but asking about their earnings should not be of your concern. Not when you are stuck in a backbreaking cycle of toxicity that makes you believe that it’s the only way to live.
And if you’ve lived that way for a certain amount of time, you know how badly it’s affected you, and how you would want something very different from what you grew up with, and around.But not everybody will change. Not when it’s at risk of admitting that they have a long list of problems to answer for.
So if you have to hide your earnings, even lie about them, do what you have to so you can protect your peace until you don’t have to anymore. Until you are in a place to say “it’s none of your business, and that you should worry about your own pockets for a change.”
No pun intended.
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Love Jones
Love has become such a weaponized emotion that when someone experiences it outside of ego, they refused to go back to being submissive and quiet about their pain.
No matter who their audiences in expressing that, all that matters is that they’re free to spread love to inspire others to do the same.
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Questions
For as long as I have dealt with narcissists, combined with times that I mimicked their behavior, I wondered what makes them that way?
For me, I didn’t know any better, and chances are had been absorbing their behavior without realizing it was anything negative. This is primarily true through various homes, extending to the influence of people outside of it.
But for me to realize any of that, it took an impactful loss to even start getting on the path of being better. The type of loss that no longer feels like there was anything to lose, because much was gained since then. Plus, it’s easier to see that time as the first step of waking up to your own toxicity, as well as others.
Will the same apply to other narcissists?
What will they have to lose for them to reflect on their mistakes, acts of deception, anything to make sure they don’t leave behind more victims of their cruelty?
Don’t waste your energy on confronting them about it either. The defense of their acts will try to match the love you have for yourself for not dealing with their class of people anymore.
Whether it’s the loss of one person, or everything that they received through their behavior, it is something worth questioning, but shouldn’t be anything to dwell too hard on.
It’s already bad enough that a narcissist will want you to think about them more than yourself. But no doubt they will hate that you see, and especially speak about them in the negative light that they comfortably bask in.
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Love, Actually
For those that believe in real world romance, it can be quite an adventure.
There are romantic relationships that, in hindsight, were better off as friendships, even become friends afterwards. You have some friendships that lead to romantic connections.
Then you have the romantic interests that turn into the greatest friendships you could ever ask for. You may even find a romantic link because of them.
But there could be a part of you that still wants that friend. Keep that in check, figure out why you think that way. That can get deep, even relative to any trauma bonds, but you may learn it’s better to recognize the traits you find attractive, which reflect your blueprint for your ideal partner.
Don’t let your ego force that friendship into something that it’s probably not meant to be, either in its season or at all.
There’s beauty in the patience, and wonderful power in the surprise.
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Lifeline
“When was the last time you went through something traumatic or anything anxiety filling?
What did you do to calm yourself?
How long did it last until you cut it? To feel it try to work towards that point.
Leave it. If you can’t walk, crawling will still get you closer than standing still or laying down.
I’m even writing this right now while facing that type of episode.
It’s something I’ve never done before but needed to just so I can not only look back add learn what lies under it.”
This is something that happened a few days ago.It was through voice to text, since typing was not an option at that moment.
Still, having the capacity to say this even without finishing it, it’s a feat that I’m patting myself on the back for. It’s no different from journaling, since it can be just as effective in organizing your thoughts.
Just remember the importance of deep breaths during those times. Easier said than done, for sure, but your body and spirit will appreciate the attempt.
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Awakenings
One of the hardest things I’ve had to face in this journey is how I sometimes feel like I lost my way when I didn’t. I was blindly following the satisfaction of people who thrive on other’s ignorance and gullible natures, and they consider the slightest idea of breaking that chain a threat.
Never mind that they’ve been the real threat this entire time.
Now I’m continuing a season of rediscovery. Wondering what, of all the things I’ve excelled at, is going to be key in being successful? What’s going to free me from this world of parental co-dependency?
Is it my words? My voice? My creativity in using both, and more?
Listening to secular and non-secular speakers gets me thinking a lot about the possibilities. But there is one constant that appears in any of them, including acting.
I want to help people learn that there’s not only strength in their personal stories, but reasons to share them. Even if you must do it under an alias, do it. So long as you’re getting out what doesn’t deserve to be in you anymore, saving yourself is the best first step you can take.
I can’t tell you how many pages of material I’ve written to get to this point, but I wouldn’t trade any of it for the illusion of comfort that I had been liking and subscribing to for decades.
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The Neverending Story
Part 9 of 9
Edited 10/26/22, 12/1/2023Hello.
This is going to be confusing, but I’m talking to you now. Not my past self.
You. The live audience, as they say.
Thank you for making it this far with me.
I did my best to make it entertaining, but what came out was a heavily abridged take on what I’ve been dying to say out loud for decades. So naturally, the attempts at jokes were dry at best, but an attempt was still made.
Perhaps I should say that the events described in the previous eight entries are a work of fiction, and any similarities… you’ve seen the end of movies, you know the rest.
But I can’t. This is a reality for me. Past and present. Reminders exist every day, because many of them happened, and keep happening right in the place where these entries were written.
And despite all the efforts I’ve made to escape, there have been many setbacks. Perhaps, in some cosmic sense, to use the energy felt here to finally get all of this out.
How else was I supposed to, aside from my usual therapist? Even they supported the idea of a blog. A podcast was considered, but that would give away my position, so to speak.
When you spend your whole life hearing everyone else’s stories, you risk not knowing how to tell your own. At least in a way that they’ll finally pay attention.
Cruel fact of life is that some of us don’t make it that far to know how to tell it. People we’ve even been close to. The rest of us get so attached to the sorrow of silence that they don’t want to know anything else. They don’t want to be hurt again by people that you feel could or should listen, but will push you away in what may be your darkest hour.
That’s why I’ve been here, talking with you as I talked with him/me. The person who made it this far because enough of this related to you. The part that said somewhere in this, you may have found someone to speak for you.But I can’t.
I refuse to take away that energy that you’ve been harboring to tell your own story, in your own way. A way that puts you on or completes the path of healing that can help others the way I hope to help or inspire you, and more.
Besides, even with everything I shared here, it only scratches the surface of what I went through in life.There are plenty of details to sift through and eventually share, but until the right time comes to release all of that, let’s be part of the movement of change. To break generational trauma overall, so that it doesn’t pass on to anyone in our lives.
That goes triple for children. Because you don’t want a child like me spilling or implying dirty secrets that affect one’s reputation for years to come. That, as one character I’ve grown fond of in recent years would say, is “dirty pool.”
Let’s do some good on our respective ends. For ourselves and others. Let’s keep sharing our truths and hurts, as well as our joys and visions. I’ll be on break from blogging in the meantime. But please, reach out to me if you have questions.
Yes, seriously.
I may not be a license professional, but I’m here for you. And in ways, you’ve been here for me, too.
But in case I’m away for a while….
“I’ll be back.”
D.F.
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P.S. I Love You
Part 8 of 9
(Edited 12/1/2023)
Well, we’ve come to the “end” of this message for you.
But it’s not the end of us.
Even as I’ve written this to you, there’s been thoughts that I couldn’t shake about you. Because I know who you are in that world. Just a barge of toxicity that you didn’t deserve from many angles. One that will take this as an elaborate prank and toss it all away.
But you’re still here. Waiting for me to tell you the winning lottery numbers, or hand you a sports almanac so you can build an empire in your hometown, running it to the ground in a way you know I’m referencing. That would be something our parents would care about.
What I’m telling you is more valuable, more respectable to pass on than any amount of money. Not saying that money isn’t important, but you’ll come to remind people of that in ways that will surprise you.
To take this long and often uncomfortable way to tell you that things get better has been great for me.
That’s an understatement.
It’s cathartic.
The lighthouse in a decade’s deep fog.
Even some friends who won’t completely relate to this will understand why this is important to do. Among many other reasons, it’s because tomorrow isn’t promised. And to leave this world without others knowing what was stirring in you for so long is not a good look. But as I’ve said before, not everyone gets the chance to speak out. For one reason or another.
But look at me, taking that chance. Aside from other inspirations I mentioned, this move was inspired by a hybrid of current friends that also took that chance in a more physically published format. I couldn’t wait that long to speak to you or myself like this. Not saying that it isn’t out of the question since there’s more worth sharing.
In the end, you’ll have to pretend like you knew nothing about what I’ve told you. You’ll have to swallow the poison for years, either in drops or in buckets. You’ll have to endure a reality that I’ve only implied on. Living through things that you wish you hadn’t, and some points I’m still learning how not to be hurt by.
You may want to, or succeed in, rejecting it, but take this as proof that you mass produced the antidote. It won’t work on you now, and parts of me wished it did. But sometimes the strongest cures come from years of trials and errors.
You won’t be perfect. Besides, sometimes perfection is subjective, if not non-existent altogether. But you will be better that what you are, and what you feel now. Enough to sit back, gather your notes together, and leave behind a word that will catalyze the healing. Enough to share with trusted ears, professionals that can constructively critique your viewpoints, and finally the world.
Until we meet again. Thanks for listening.
“…and Danzai Burst.”
The End…?
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Gemini Man
Part 7 of 9
(Edited 12/1/2023)
I have given you a powerful look at the past and your present. I’ve given you the taste of many futures. But now it’s my turn to do the same about me.Like I said before, we technically aren’t different people. We’re still very much the same.
You haven’t lived my life yet. But I have lived yours, repeatedly. I’m learning how to not curse any of it for happening, because without it, I would not have the knowledge and courage to reach out to you like this.
And when you choose to let this get out to the public, you will be grateful for everyone that can relate to the both of us. You’ll surprise yourself with how many people are coming out about the type of pain that we’ve been through, and how it’s affected them throughout their lives.
Young and old, many are finally coming out to the people they trust, a licensed professional, and even the world.
Some do it on levels that reach national news. Others like us are doing it quietly, even more artistic, to what I’ve chosen. That doesn’t mean our choice is invalid. We’re in the time where the “imposter syndrome” is more recognizable, and it’s easier to fight back against.
Sometimes.
But even with this hopeful talk I can put into you, I still face triggers. The type that are inspired by flashbacks of points where many people hurt or betrayed us, including and aside from the Sources.
My thoughts can get volatile, but I do my best to calm them down. They come back, some stronger than previous ones, but they come back. At least I’m careful not showing that side of myself to unconditional loved ones, yet I feel that happening too. That scares me as much as the fear of losing them if it does.However, their subtle or loud reminders of how wonderful I am and have been are more essential than I’ve let them know, but I still find my ways to. Chances are when the day comes that enough of them read this, they will know the depths of both my thanks, and my love is to them.
There’s even someone that I once considered a close friend that inspired me to write to you. They wanted to do the same thing; write a book about their personal journey while being careful about naming names.
But they didn’t get as far as the “writing to your past self” idea. That’s all me. The rest were creative choices that fit this path, far removed from that person.
As for why me and that person aren’t close anymore, over time they became extremely reminiscent of the trauma that I’ve talked about. Even now, I can say we don’t want to learn the hard way that they haven’t changed.
They aren’t the only one that do it, and some try to reconnect with us. My entire being can’t take that risk with people again, and you already know that feeling. Just can’t put it into words yet.
But you must understand that it’s why people won’t want to reconnect with you, too. Some of what we’ve done is reprehensible. Borderline criminal. And even if the law can’t touch you, the court of public opinion has strengthened its grip on a person’s past behaviors, no matter how much they’ve changed.I found it’s why I fear fame in any aspect. But I learned how to not let it dam my growth, my progress to be and remain better than the old me. The older us. And the person in-between.
Guess what? There’s good that’s present in this part of the timeline. There are people that believe in us because we’re not talking or doing what we’ve done. And that’s to bury the feelings we’ve been told that they don’t matter, often by the people that are supposed to love and support all your feelings.
The biggest of them is anger, towards anything and anyone, including towards them. They may never be in a place to hear what I have to say, so that’s why I’m reaching out to you. That’s also why it’s been easier to help others in their own trials.
It’s also why you’ve become a better friend to a select few. You’re a more open sibling. A boundary-setting child. And, believe me or not, the best lover someone in their own path of healing will ever have.
The road for you is going to be long and often dark, but to this day, one other quote still rings true. “It can’t rain all the time.”
Our stories aren’t over.
But this message to you is about to be.
D.F.
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