The Brighter the Picture

The journey to finding a proper therapist is long and often annoying.

For me, it started in 2017, with one counselor that barely got through the intake period before she was transferred to a new office. In the same company, I met another one who seemed like a proper fit for my personal preferences. But insurance issues had me stop going, which in hindsight was a bad idea.

Even worse was after talking with him in prep for my then-insurance to be renewed in early 2018, I learned he was no longer available either. I didn’t want to be disappointed by the company a third time, so I left them, but didn’t search for others. Perhaps I was too deep in my emotions and old coping techniques to care any further.

It wasn’t until 2019 that I not only had better resources, but had to stop relying on a lover to act as my therapist, even as they were seeing one themselves.

The counselor I met during that time was as helpful as they could be. They were attentive, asked questions, and served as an ear that I couldn’t rely on friends to be any longer. Friends weren’t built for some things I wanted to say, and some things I said, some got tired of hearing. Either because repetition without acting on resolution is annoying on its own, or their methods weren’t completely in my favor.

“Move out.” “Get a new/better job.”

There were countless times I wanted to scream that I was doing something about it. It’s easier now to call myself out on the times I meant it for, let’s say, two weeks mx, before falling back into self-pity and other fine states of depression.

Plus it’s hard to move or get a new job so easily when, even during employment, no one wants to hire you.

After losing my job during the first months of the pandemic, one place eventually hired me to do work that offered insurance quickly. It was a temp position, and the state had already rejected me. Risks considered, how could I refuse?

It was the smartest choice, because it was how I met my current therapist, who has been the best one I’ve had to date.  

My current one has worked with me in ways that reflected the things I had to learn about myself on my own. Some of those things were sometimes through mutual interactions with various types of people. But it was up to me to remember the questions I wanted to ask, since now there was a sense of trust finally built, and a lot of knowledge to gain.

It’s how I learned about having PTSD. Not to the point of listing it as a disability, but enough to justify the high anxiety and other factors felt throughout time.

Meanwhile, I was writing the notes that inspired this blog. At first, it started as a book concept, but this was something that needed to be out here much sooner. Not just because there are people that can benefit from what I have to say, and have said, but I didn’t want to just do it for the money in a way that reflected certain influences.

The therapist even supported the idea about this blog. They have seen, at least in our meetings, how it’s been helping me cope with the matters I’ve struggled with in my life, and especially in-between sessions.  

And now, I wish to use what I’m learning and what I’ve shared towards a space that can offer financial and emotional freedom. Finding the proper ways to do that are not impossible, but I must stay focused on it while retooling a resume here and a cover letter there towards other positions. My therapist even suggested a few places relative to this line of work, which results with them are pending.

Time will tell where I belong. I wouldn’t dare dream of being anywhere less than what I’m walking towards.