TW: s*icide

I know what I said in the last post. I’m laughing about that now.

The first time I talked about this was in a different narrative than what’s become the norm for months now. But the recent entertainment news sparks a reason to talk about it again.

Plus it was in my spirit to talk about it now versus waiting.

I imagine there are many people out there that have gone their entire lives without considering the choice to take their own. I envy them, at least the ones that can confidently state that the thought never crossed their minds.

Others, when asked, they may claim to have never thought about it, but choose to keep the truth to themselves. The reasons can vary, but a definite one can be the shame they may feel by exposing themselves to that level. That can come from a history of people they’ve trusted with that information, only to be dismissed and shamed for it. The same can be said for any topics of mental health, but “opting out” may be the absolute heaviest.

There’s that overwhelming idea that life is not on your side. That despite your efforts to improve your standings, despite the support group that will unconditionally love you and want to hear your stories in confidence, ending it will solve it all. The idea of burdening people no longer weighs you down. You don’t have to worry about who will miss you, because you’re tired of fighting for and against yourself.

The pain is gone.

And yes, I have been there countless times. Even in moments where my emotional growth seemed to exceed those old ways of thinking, memories slip in. Sometimes they dare to stop being memories to become viable options based on my current events. I find myself frightened by them, and that fear comes from seeing what I would have missed out on if I had done it at the height of such an emotional infection.

As great as those happier moments were and still are, the need to express these other feelings is vital to me. We’re talking about years of holding this back and not knowing who you can really speak to, even to this day. I know enough of what others are fighting in their own lives, and the chances of them helping to bring me back from the ledge when/if I need it felt, and feel variable.

And there are some that do it without even knowing it. Sharing a light story, a funny meme or video, and I may say something like “I needed that.” Off of that, they’ll know what I mean, especially if they needed it too before sharing. They may even need my reaction to it, just to acknowledge that their presence is cherished.

And it is.

There’s so many people I’ve started to know, others I like and love on an even plane, and a smaller few I love more than they’ll ever know. They’ve made an incredible impact on my life, in staying here, and I’ve had some say the same about me.

But too often, there is the fear of having these darker feelings return at a later age. I would hope that by then, I’m in a much better space to remain as vigilant, and maybe even too stubborn to let go of a life I’ve just started rebuilding almost four years ago.

Despite stressful current events in my own life, I am grateful for the time that I’ve been given to speak my mind this way. Mark it as another entry to look back on and smile because I’ve finally said what I’ve wanted to about a topic that’s dear to me. Not only because of my own battles, but for those I’ve known whom I have lost to it.

Checking in on your “strong” people is important. A simple “how are you” can go a longer way than you’ll ever know. It’s helped me to this point, and I’m sure it will continue to, just as much as I need to keep doing it with others.

And I’ll do my best to take that break, now. Take care until the next one.