-
The ABC’s of being a POS: Intro
(Edited 08/09/2024)
Note: This upcoming series is for entertainment and educational purposes only. If you wish to learn more about mental health, abusive behaviors, and support, please talk to your primary physician’s office, or a licensed professional.
For emergencies, please call 911, or call 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Life is full of a healthy balance of people that deserve hugs or suplexes.
Sometimes both.
There’s a long list of examples of these people in both the past and present, public or private figures, and all types of relationships.
No matter what, the world has its shares of people that deserve attention as much as the others need to be starved from it.
This is dedicated to the second half.
By now you’ve assumed that the POS in the title does NOT mean “point of sale.” It means the other thing.
The one that made you think of a person or people who could understand physical actions more than a sentence about their behavior.
And even though one word or phrase will sometimes be used for each letter, they are not limited to them.
Consider each one a gateway into others that, like the ones chosen here, are tied to each other, and will be mentioned and even repeated within most of them.
So, if you or someone you know is a POS, and you’re looking for how to increase your villain potential, you’ve come to the wrong place.
After all, what better way to talk about the tricks and tips in ways that match your actions towards your targets/marks?
No matter what, remember this quote as this journey begins:
“If it hurts you, it’s about you.”
-Kingston Priest
P.S. – It is understood that there are those with undiagnosed or misdiagnosed mental conditions which will have similar behaviors mentioned here. This is in no way meant to offend them, or their related parties. This project is dedicated to those who choose to behave certain ways that deserve to be spoken about.
First: Animosity
-
(Short) “School Daze”: Being a Lifelong Student of Life
We all have our reasons to care for others as we do being cautious at who declares caring.
It seems the older we get, or even the more experiences we gain and witness even in youth, the more careful we become in who to show compassion for, and who to let care for us.
Being on all sides of that, I can confirm that it does take some life experiences to push through to learn that skill. New lessons will come during your time in class, too, because everyone loves a pop quiz.
No what, you will be surprised at who and what makes learning many of those lessons worth it. Just make sure to take your time and not rush, or cheat your way through it.
D.F.
-
“Do the Right Thing”: The Gains and Losses During Personal Growth
One of the things I used to worry about when I started writing here was who would I lose connection with once they learned I was digging into so much as mental health advocacy.
That idea was leaned into more when I knew the day would come that I’d speak the way I did in my last entry.
Then I shifted to believing something else. There’s more to gain than lose when you start sharing yourself unapologetically. So long as what you’re sharing comes from a place of compassion that you also wish for yourself.
Who you lose along the way makes room for those that can see and appreciate your efforts, whether in the short or long run.
And if you’re the type to share them more openly, the choice is yours if you do it to the point of caring for algorithms, engagement, and other social media buzzwords.
Surely there’s a way to go to that level without losing sight of why you began your journey of self-expression. I know I almost did a few times, and I’ll continue to check myself on that. Also the points about praising who’s here, smiling at who’s coming, and thanking those that I left and who left me.
-
“Black”: How I Finally Defined My Existence
CW: Trauma (Edited 2/4/2024)
Up until this entry, I had my reasons not to share any racial identity during the blog’s run. I may go into that in a future entry. Chances are it’s fate that this is the first entry to do it on the first usual entry day during Black History Month.
I bring this up because I recently started reading a book called Self-Care for Black Men: 100 Ways to Heal and Liberate, by Jor-El Caraballo. I’m early into it, but there was a section titled “Define Blackness For Yourself” that hit deep.
It hit that way because the question had mentally arrived as fast as it went throughout my life. Like my mind was not ready to dive deep into what definitions were forced onto me, or uncomfortably believed.
Those definitions were even made by non-Black folk that would also label me an “Oreo” or “the whitest Black guy they’ve even known,” and other degrading reviews of my nature and tastes.
Sometimes they came from older black people, a few I remember being old enough to be alive for those that may not or didn’t “speak Black.” These were historical figures who spoke with passion, intelligence, and a desire to leave behind inspiration for our people to do the same.
And as much as I felt there was something to say about the whole experience, I chose to be in spaces where that kind of talk was not invited to the parties that even I was lucky to be welcomed to.
The characters at those spaces would range from “I don’t see color,” some trashy pun on “Black Lives Matter.” Or the biggest one, thinking you’re “safe” to use the N-word around without being judged on site, sometimes because they think I (am allowed to) use it.
Thankfully in recent years I’ve been more vocal about that last bit when it’s necessary.
But this is a short list of what I thought about when I read that entry in the book. I had to think of how I can define it, combined with how I’ve been able to define personal accounts of trauma and triumphs, abuse and comfort, and triggers and glimmers since the blog began.
With that said, here’s what I wrote in my notebook in a stream of consciousness to define what Blackness means to me:
“Blackness is to feel your worth even when surrounded by those that want you to feel unworthy. To feel the emotions that society and generations claim you shouldn’t feel, because your skin is your armor.
Blackness is the chance to see what the world could be in your influence, gifts, and unconditional love that was denied by our ancestors, friends, and family.
Blackness is the chance to hear how deep the pain and miseducation of our people is more praised than persecuted, and to choose the progressive path in spite of its dangers.
Blackness offers me a voice, a perspective that means more to breaking cycles and bringing peace to the war that was put into my heart.
Blackness is reclamation of time lost to the hurtful, history corrupted by the tainted, and assurance that how we choose to speak, what music we enjoy, the arts we perform, and truths to be revealed, come from a source that the modern world owes infinite thanks to. ”
I don’t expect many to agree with me on my definition as much as many judge(d) my “Blackness” on cultural activities, behaviors, and knowledge. I can think of a few people that will attempt to redirect my definition to theirs, much as they’ve done with other topics since knowing them.
Even they have to know that we each lived different lives, and processed the good, bad, and neutral things about our emotions, and our Blackness differently. If processed at all.
I’m glad to be in a place where I can look back on this entry alone and be the voice that was denied by those before me. And in the same strength, be the voice that I denied myself for too long.
D.F
-
Office Space
So it’s only a few more months before I’m at my current job for a year. The first six months were a huge learning experience, and for a time I thought I was doing things right.
That’s when the monthly reviews began halfway, and when I was told to slow down to avoid the list of errors I made. It was also a reminder to ask questions about things I didn’t know, or felt like I should have after being there for that long.
I did get better with both of those. Anxiety, however, likes to tagalong and build up concerns and fears like “am I asking too many questions?” “Will they demote/move me to another department because I’m not getting it?”
They proved me wrong. In fact, one of my team members that was also one of my trainers had told me on Monday that it was the opposite.
Two members of our team were moved to another department because they didn’t do the same things I did, which was ask for help and utilize the knowledge. This was added with frequent reassurance of even senior partners like my trainer will have faulty moments as well.
Sometimes when we think we’re doing something that harms our growth, others see it as doing something that strengthens it. Those are the ones that want you to succeed, either for yourself or for a team.
It’s also good to ask questions to the right people that have been where you are. You’re never too old to learn or relearn what’s needed to maintain what you care about the most. Whatever your learning style is, embrace it, and remind yourself of how good that education is.
I’m still working on the anxiety flare-ups that come from some of the things I (still) don’t know well, yet. As long as I stay patient and focused, I’ll get there, and that’s true even off the clock.
D.F.
-
The Connection
Note: This is longer than I had planned, but it’s all connected, as usual 🙂
Imagine being years removed from a relationship and learning new reasons why you’d never have one like that again.
Not because of what went on in your relationship, but because your ideas of love and romance were based on toxic family upbringing, and having an undeniable connection to it.
Let’s start with the family ties. Life has its ups and downs with them, and they are often have sharp inclines and declines with the parents. They get bad enough that one files for divorce because the other was legitimately not a nice person.
Not saying the divorcer was a saint, but moving on…
The couple have kids together, grown enough to exist with and for them in different capacities. Each of them are eventually asked by the divorcer about their ex’s love life, down to asking if they’re still dating specific people. The kids may have varied answers, but it still begs to question “why do you need to know?”
Now imagine being one of those kids. You get into a relationship that lasts long enough to reflect on times where both of you were trash, yet yours was put on display more often.
Things come to an end on their word, and in the time of separation, you realize how much of your issues with them were based on your upbringing. Believing in a kind of connection that kept you latched to people that were far from friendly or loving in any way.
And even with that, there’s still loose connections between you and your ex.
That’s when you lean from one of those connections that said ex, who was repeatedly passionate about moving on with their life, was asking one of your friends about you. All because they saw you enjoying life and looking not as bothered by the loss.
Not saying you weren’t.
Besides, if you were in a place to be seen like that with strangers/new friends having a great time, the last thing you want is to spread your pain onto them. For all you know, they’re doing the same as you.
And eventually, in a quiet moment to yourself, even after you’ve gained a new definition of love in your life, you notice something.
The parent/divorcer and your own ex really were alike in behavior. It might be easier to notice because your continued tie with the parent has you still being asked about their ex and their partner.
And isn’t it great when you learn how much of that is none of your business? Not just because, by right, it’s not or shouldn’t be if bonds are like that. But let’s say that you’ve mastered the art of keeping distance that your own ex failed to.
If not mastered, at least tamed it so you won’t go into a thought process of “if they’re looking me up, might as well see what they’re about. Then we’re even!”
Yeah. Don’t do that to yourself.
You’ve endured a lot with these kinds of people in your life, and your experience with it will help you achieve progressive goals. The kind that their behaviors can risk distracting you from if you continue to let them.
Don’t be surprised if you find yourself helping others sort out their relationship issues because you see your former faults in their (possibly) future ex. Like a former villain using their experiences to help actual heroes and victims, perhaps also a way to redeem themselves as well.
Do your best to use your history as the platform for what you know is right for your future. The bad things we can’t undo or wish we avoided should not hold us back from becoming better people. For ourselves, and for others.
D.F.
-
Spiral Zone
Last post, I mentioned how I was pretty sick the previous week.
It was that “take days off” kind of sickness. That “watch The Price Is Right with some ginger ale and Saltines” kind of sickness.
Yet I still worked as best as I could since I’m remote. Haven’t felt this level of illness in a while. Adding other health conditions to it heightened concerns, but I did what I had to for comfort when I clocked out.
Under all of that, there lied thoughts about what I was missing out on doing for myself. Thinking of all the health improvements I already made risking being reset if I was down for too long.
Also expecting requests for any (dual) caretaking to be done in that time which may have inspired the sickness. Knowing the “patient” would not care about that detail as they’ve done countless times before.
Clearly a lot of anxiety was felt in here, more than the usual line of it. But there were the moments where I did what I could to remind myself of a few things in its new growth. How to stop the spiraling every time it happened.
Switching to resistance bands while sitting instead of standing. Continue to stand up every 27 to 30 minutes at work, when there was strength for it. And any caretaking requests to be met with a stronger “no” than usual.
Then I realized that I was already doing these thing when I wasn’t feeling any pain while coughing or sneezing. Success in modifying good behaviors during the temporary matters was guaranteed. It was confirmation that what I was doing before was the right thing to do, even in unforeseen matters like this.
It was also my reminder that I needed to slow down enough to avoid that old timey “comfortable” descent. Those feelings of despair and anxiety that I gave into many times in life. Feelings that had me even run to people that prefer me at my weakest, and I thought I was stronger with them.
Admittedly, I’ll have the slipping moments, as you do when you’re reframing your positive and acceptable thoughts and behaviors. In the end, it’s all about making sure you build nd reserve that energy to not only keep you from spiraling, but crawl back up in case you fall back down.
D.F.
-
Just an update
Sickness has played a part in not writing as much as I have recently. Last week was the worst of it. Lingering cough aside, I’m physically feeling better. Emotions have fluctuated about it all, but I know I got this.
This is simply a proof of life post for now, and I hope you’re all well. Thank you for your patience.
D.F.
-
High Anxiety
Anxiety has been a constant controller of decision making for a majority of my life. Whether it’s about sharing anything where responses will vary, to making choices about what’s next in life.
It’s a beast that I’ve yet to tame in some environments. Too often I’m interacting with those that act calm, until something even I do or say releases their uncomfortable, yet educating natures.
And for years, I allowed myself to be around people like that, because that’s the frame of comfort I had for so long. Worrying about other people’s opinions about me. For some, showing up just to quell their ever-dormant anger.
Thankfully, even before venting on here, I learned how to move forward without many of them. As I’ve written about before, some try to come back, hoping the gullible and anxious inner child missed them as much as they miss playing with me.
And even with rejecting them, the anxiety comes back a little. “What if they did the work, too?” “What if they’re trying to reconnect to apologize?” “What if they end up being the key to something, or even someone you desire?”
Nah.
I know that’s the side of me that’s pleased these people for so long. The side that’s trying to convince me to reconnect, if only to fill what could be a temporary void.
The ones that are harder to remove, for now, I battle myself with ideas that they know who I’ve become, and are trying to accept it in their own ways.
But their ways are why I don’t want them near me anymore.
Why I never liked feeling that my goals to be better and (re)claim independence, are a middle finger to their faces.
That’s why I’ve learned to ask myself “what if it all works out?”
“What if, in spite of every way they may continue to talk you out of being the better you, you succeed?”
“What if your success, both currently and in the future, inspires them to be better for and around you?”
Being anxious, catastrophizing, depression, and other not-so-fine emotions get in the way of being who you want to be for yourself. Whatever it takes to manage them, even while you’re in the unpredictable storm alleys, do what is right for you.
The ones meant to be with you on that journey won’t feel forced to come along with you. They’ll see what you see in yourself, and make you feel proud that you regained control of your emotions.
We deserve that for ourselves.
D.F.
-
The Light
Sometimes it takes a little chaos to set yourself in the right direction. This is true on the inside of yourself as it can be on the outside.
Making sure that the chaos doesn’t effect your healing spirit promises you clarity towards the things, places, and people that love this side of you. Double that for those who knew you before that time came.
This doesn’t mean the chaos goes away.
You are allowed your time to feel through it.
Shouting, journaling, physically working out the pain and triggers. Anything that does not cause harm to you or your surroundings. Anything that doesn’t make people believe that you did. Or will.
No matter how heavy and/or repetitive the chaos may be, the longer you do everything it takes to face it and not let it rule over you, the greater you will feel.
The greater your happiness, peace, and light will be reclaimed.
D.F.
-
The Comeback Kid
So I almost quit writing.
Not as a whole, just doing it on here. The reason was that I felt like I was on a good path of mending a lot of things that I had been keeping inside. Stuff from both the past and whatever was recent that inspired most posts.
Even with comparing the dialogue and energy between the first nine from August 2022 to their follow-ups from last month, I felt like I said everything.
I felt like getting that far was enough for me to do something else with that accomplishment. And it’s true. You don’t do something of this caliber for as long as I have without feeling that it’s part of your calling.
Then I felt that there can be a healthier balance made between what I’ve done on here, and what I plan to do with my knowledge in the broad topic of mental health.
The personal environments remain as much of an emotional minefield as ever, but even in the inevitable departure, they’re still much to learn and share.
But it’s also time to expand on that knowledge within public and even academic settings. However that occurs, I will be sure to share the progress as it happens.
For now, I will remain in rest mode. I should be in full posting strength in time, and I thank you for your patience.
D.F.
-
Subscribe
Subscribed
Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
The Brighter the Picture 