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The ABC’s of being a POS: Intro
(Edited 08/09/2024)
Note: This upcoming series is for entertainment and educational purposes only. If you wish to learn more about mental health, abusive behaviors, and support, please talk to your primary physician’s office, or a licensed professional.
For emergencies, please call 911, or call 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Life is full of a healthy balance of people that deserve hugs or suplexes.
Sometimes both.
There’s a long list of examples of these people in both the past and present, public or private figures, and all types of relationships.
No matter what, the world has its shares of people that deserve attention as much as the others need to be starved from it.
This is dedicated to the second half.
By now you’ve assumed that the POS in the title does NOT mean “point of sale.” It means the other thing.
The one that made you think of a person or people who could understand physical actions more than a sentence about their behavior.
And even though one word or phrase will sometimes be used for each letter, they are not limited to them.
Consider each one a gateway into others that, like the ones chosen here, are tied to each other, and will be mentioned and even repeated within most of them.
So, if you or someone you know is a POS, and you’re looking for how to increase your villain potential, you’ve come to the wrong place.
After all, what better way to talk about the tricks and tips in ways that match your actions towards your targets/marks?
No matter what, remember this quote as this journey begins:
“If it hurts you, it’s about you.”
-Kingston Priest
P.S. – It is understood that there are those with undiagnosed or misdiagnosed mental conditions which will have similar behaviors mentioned here. This is in no way meant to offend them, or their related parties. This project is dedicated to those who choose to behave certain ways that deserve to be spoken about.
First: Animosity
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The Connection
Note: This is longer than I had planned, but it’s all connected, as usual 🙂
Imagine being years removed from a relationship and learning new reasons why you’d never have one like that again.
Not because of what went on in your relationship, but because your ideas of love and romance were based on toxic family upbringing, and having an undeniable connection to it.
Let’s start with the family ties. Life has its ups and downs with them, and they are often have sharp inclines and declines with the parents. They get bad enough that one files for divorce because the other was legitimately not a nice person.
Not saying the divorcer was a saint, but moving on…
The couple have kids together, grown enough to exist with and for them in different capacities. Each of them are eventually asked by the divorcer about their ex’s love life, down to asking if they’re still dating specific people. The kids may have varied answers, but it still begs to question “why do you need to know?”
Now imagine being one of those kids. You get into a relationship that lasts long enough to reflect on times where both of you were trash, yet yours was put on display more often.
Things come to an end on their word, and in the time of separation, you realize how much of your issues with them were based on your upbringing. Believing in a kind of connection that kept you latched to people that were far from friendly or loving in any way.
And even with that, there’s still loose connections between you and your ex.
That’s when you lean from one of those connections that said ex, who was repeatedly passionate about moving on with their life, was asking one of your friends about you. All because they saw you enjoying life and looking not as bothered by the loss.
Not saying you weren’t.
Besides, if you were in a place to be seen like that with strangers/new friends having a great time, the last thing you want is to spread your pain onto them. For all you know, they’re doing the same as you.
And eventually, in a quiet moment to yourself, even after you’ve gained a new definition of love in your life, you notice something.
The parent/divorcer and your own ex really were alike in behavior. It might be easier to notice because your continued tie with the parent has you still being asked about their ex and their partner.
And isn’t it great when you learn how much of that is none of your business? Not just because, by right, it’s not or shouldn’t be if bonds are like that. But let’s say that you’ve mastered the art of keeping distance that your own ex failed to.
If not mastered, at least tamed it so you won’t go into a thought process of “if they’re looking me up, might as well see what they’re about. Then we’re even!”
Yeah. Don’t do that to yourself.
You’ve endured a lot with these kinds of people in your life, and your experience with it will help you achieve progressive goals. The kind that their behaviors can risk distracting you from if you continue to let them.
Don’t be surprised if you find yourself helping others sort out their relationship issues because you see your former faults in their (possibly) future ex. Like a former villain using their experiences to help actual heroes and victims, perhaps also a way to redeem themselves as well.
Do your best to use your history as the platform for what you know is right for your future. The bad things we can’t undo or wish we avoided should not hold us back from becoming better people. For ourselves, and for others.
D.F.
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Spiral Zone
Last post, I mentioned how I was pretty sick the previous week.
It was that “take days off” kind of sickness. That “watch The Price Is Right with some ginger ale and Saltines” kind of sickness.
Yet I still worked as best as I could since I’m remote. Haven’t felt this level of illness in a while. Adding other health conditions to it heightened concerns, but I did what I had to for comfort when I clocked out.
Under all of that, there lied thoughts about what I was missing out on doing for myself. Thinking of all the health improvements I already made risking being reset if I was down for too long.
Also expecting requests for any (dual) caretaking to be done in that time which may have inspired the sickness. Knowing the “patient” would not care about that detail as they’ve done countless times before.
Clearly a lot of anxiety was felt in here, more than the usual line of it. But there were the moments where I did what I could to remind myself of a few things in its new growth. How to stop the spiraling every time it happened.
Switching to resistance bands while sitting instead of standing. Continue to stand up every 27 to 30 minutes at work, when there was strength for it. And any caretaking requests to be met with a stronger “no” than usual.
Then I realized that I was already doing these thing when I wasn’t feeling any pain while coughing or sneezing. Success in modifying good behaviors during the temporary matters was guaranteed. It was confirmation that what I was doing before was the right thing to do, even in unforeseen matters like this.
It was also my reminder that I needed to slow down enough to avoid that old timey “comfortable” descent. Those feelings of despair and anxiety that I gave into many times in life. Feelings that had me even run to people that prefer me at my weakest, and I thought I was stronger with them.
Admittedly, I’ll have the slipping moments, as you do when you’re reframing your positive and acceptable thoughts and behaviors. In the end, it’s all about making sure you build nd reserve that energy to not only keep you from spiraling, but crawl back up in case you fall back down.
D.F.
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Just an update
Sickness has played a part in not writing as much as I have recently. Last week was the worst of it. Lingering cough aside, I’m physically feeling better. Emotions have fluctuated about it all, but I know I got this.
This is simply a proof of life post for now, and I hope you’re all well. Thank you for your patience.
D.F.
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High Anxiety
Anxiety has been a constant controller of decision making for a majority of my life. Whether it’s about sharing anything where responses will vary, to making choices about what’s next in life.
It’s a beast that I’ve yet to tame in some environments. Too often I’m interacting with those that act calm, until something even I do or say releases their uncomfortable, yet educating natures.
And for years, I allowed myself to be around people like that, because that’s the frame of comfort I had for so long. Worrying about other people’s opinions about me. For some, showing up just to quell their ever-dormant anger.
Thankfully, even before venting on here, I learned how to move forward without many of them. As I’ve written about before, some try to come back, hoping the gullible and anxious inner child missed them as much as they miss playing with me.
And even with rejecting them, the anxiety comes back a little. “What if they did the work, too?” “What if they’re trying to reconnect to apologize?” “What if they end up being the key to something, or even someone you desire?”
Nah.
I know that’s the side of me that’s pleased these people for so long. The side that’s trying to convince me to reconnect, if only to fill what could be a temporary void.
The ones that are harder to remove, for now, I battle myself with ideas that they know who I’ve become, and are trying to accept it in their own ways.
But their ways are why I don’t want them near me anymore.
Why I never liked feeling that my goals to be better and (re)claim independence, are a middle finger to their faces.
That’s why I’ve learned to ask myself “what if it all works out?”
“What if, in spite of every way they may continue to talk you out of being the better you, you succeed?”
“What if your success, both currently and in the future, inspires them to be better for and around you?”
Being anxious, catastrophizing, depression, and other not-so-fine emotions get in the way of being who you want to be for yourself. Whatever it takes to manage them, even while you’re in the unpredictable storm alleys, do what is right for you.
The ones meant to be with you on that journey won’t feel forced to come along with you. They’ll see what you see in yourself, and make you feel proud that you regained control of your emotions.
We deserve that for ourselves.
D.F.
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The Light
Sometimes it takes a little chaos to set yourself in the right direction. This is true on the inside of yourself as it can be on the outside.
Making sure that the chaos doesn’t effect your healing spirit promises you clarity towards the things, places, and people that love this side of you. Double that for those who knew you before that time came.
This doesn’t mean the chaos goes away.
You are allowed your time to feel through it.
Shouting, journaling, physically working out the pain and triggers. Anything that does not cause harm to you or your surroundings. Anything that doesn’t make people believe that you did. Or will.
No matter how heavy and/or repetitive the chaos may be, the longer you do everything it takes to face it and not let it rule over you, the greater you will feel.
The greater your happiness, peace, and light will be reclaimed.
D.F.
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The Comeback Kid
So I almost quit writing.
Not as a whole, just doing it on here. The reason was that I felt like I was on a good path of mending a lot of things that I had been keeping inside. Stuff from both the past and whatever was recent that inspired most posts.
Even with comparing the dialogue and energy between the first nine from August 2022 to their follow-ups from last month, I felt like I said everything.
I felt like getting that far was enough for me to do something else with that accomplishment. And it’s true. You don’t do something of this caliber for as long as I have without feeling that it’s part of your calling.
Then I felt that there can be a healthier balance made between what I’ve done on here, and what I plan to do with my knowledge in the broad topic of mental health.
The personal environments remain as much of an emotional minefield as ever, but even in the inevitable departure, they’re still much to learn and share.
But it’s also time to expand on that knowledge within public and even academic settings. However that occurs, I will be sure to share the progress as it happens.
For now, I will remain in rest mode. I should be in full posting strength in time, and I thank you for your patience.
D.F.
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Timeless
Follow-up to The Never-Ending Story.
Time can feel like it slows down long enough to make sure the lessons stick. Anything to confirm that you’re prepared for the curveballs and shots in the dark that life guarantees all of us.
Those experiences can make us both a teacher and a lesson.
On the positive side, you’re in a place where the mix of your own mistakes and ones you’ve witnessed, or were victim to, can teach people how to love themselves again. Or for the first time.
It’s how you can be proof that there’s a life still worth living, sharing, and reclaiming from other people’s control and deceptions. To also not be who you were, and who others still are.
On the negative side of it, lies someone refusing to believe they never did anything wrong to you or others. That any means of rejecting their presence is a punishable insult. And any announcement of what they did wrong should be met with reminders of “all I’ve done for you.”
It’s how someone can be a teacher and a lesson in how to NOT be them.
Throughout this blog, I’ve gone through my history of being someone else’s teacher and lesson, to willingly becoming a teacher. An advocate. A secular minister who learned how to speak to anyone willing to listen, regardless of their spiritual or societal beliefs.
To have shared it this way for so long has helped me become the kind of communicator that I have cursed myself for not being in old seasons. I can’t. And at times when I get close to doing it again, I have new history to prove that something was done about those burdens.
If you haven’t started yet, the same is possible for you.
There’s no categorical limits or requirement to who, how, and when to start believing in using your history to comfort and heal yourself first. The only limits are your commitment and imagination. The only requirement is that you believe that you can do it.
That’s when confidence is eventually built to do it for others, either privately or openly. It draws in people that may do the same. In rare cases combining forces to benefit the continued growth we deserve to have with each other.
Of course, opponents to your journey will exist and expose themselves in surprising forms. New connections and old, it doesn’t matter. Still, every journey to a brighter future is never without conflict and barriers.
Conflict can be avoided and resolved.
Barriers can be broken and rebuilt for you. Not against you.
Even experts can agree that there is no true end to this journey. The best thing we can do is not stop it for our own sake. To not be afraid to share yourself with safe people, professional or not.
To continue to do it for people that see you and love you in a healthy and unconditional state.
If not for them, then for people that may never meet you in person, but are blessed by your perseverance.
Your vulnerability.
Most importantly, the shade made by trees you planted seeds for a long time ago.
It’s taken 200 posts to know how to do it comfortably in the shade, all because I planted a few seeds to get the growth started. From there, I knew how to make it a space for others under a tree that has its weathered aches, but will continue to grow in love.
Just like we will.
D.F.
P.S. Taking a winter break. Will return next year with new posts, and more. Take care of yourselves, and know that you are loved all year round.
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Get Ready
Follow-up to P.S. I Love You.
I’ve spent a lot of time on here talking about the different ways love has been a weapon in the wrong hands, and a salve in the right ones. It’s circumstantial why people define their choice of it, and the roots of that definition are sometimes hard to fight.
Loving yourself can sometimes be treated like arrogance, or even narcissism. Usually from those who own the title without wanting to be called out for it. The harder they call you either one, the more they may see self-love working out for you.
That’s your proof to keep going.
Proof that the momentum, the boundaries, the time management against those that shame you for redefining love is leading somewhere. A place that blocks their influence, yet inspired by their willful ignorance.
If things aren’t already messy during this growth, get ready for it. In some way you already are.
D.F.
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Unity
Follow-up to Gemini Man.
“An adult who learned how to protect the inner child, and soothe the rage built in-between us.”
The story behind how I came up with that quote is a strong one that happened this year.
In short, a famous creator asked us during his panel to come up with a tagline about ourselves. Part of me wanted to sound cool and edgy, but being real mattered more.
Coming up with that in the moment was emotional, and months later it still is. To have made it weeks before the blog’s one year anniversary couldn’t have come at a better time. To have started it by talking mostly to my old self for the first 9 entries, now using one line to speak to more of me.
Research, therapy, and healthy outlets have been important this entire time. Secular or not, personally connected or being an audience member, there’s always a message I needed to hear from people that came to me right on time.
Apollonia Ponti and her team of experts were the first set of people I listened to. Mostly for their relationship advice during a time of significant heartbreak, but they had more to share outside of relationship topics, yet still tied to it that became key to my own discoveries. One of her videos on trauma bonds is what set me up to do the work you’ve seen on here.
Elevation Church was another one on the road to healing. My first experience with them was in person in North Carolina, but continued to follow them online ever since. My history and thoughts on religion are unique to the more devout, but I’ll never deny the impact nearly every pastor that spoke there has made for me.
Psych2Go is another one that’s done with more creative visuals that add more depth, and sometimes a bit of humor to their topics. Like the others I mentioned, it often gets deep, but they’re with you the entire time in ways that may match your comforts. They also encourage their audience to continue their education on their topics, along with seeking professional help.
Change Church is the last one I’ll mention here. Of the other religious themed ones I can say, I love the fact that their lead pastor, Dr. Dharius Daniels, often titles his sermons after entertainment media. For my long-time followers, that should sound familiar. Like I said about Elevation, there’s many positive things to take away from it, even if religious outlets aren’t for you.
It was in me to say these sources because I don’t always make time to cite them, or any. This is a short list, too. It’s all helped in bringing out the questions, perspectives, and hopeful parts of me that I rejected or was denied since I was a child, and even harder into adulthood where I learned what to call out, and what to call certain behaviors.
Pain, protection, and perseverance became my purpose. I couldn’t have realized that without everyone that’s on my side. I thank and love them the way they love me.
In case no one else tells you, I thank and love you, too.*
D.F.
*A loose nod to Mel Robbins.
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The Discovery
Follow-up to Beauty and the Beast.
What I can say about romantic love can apply to platonic love. Far as romance goes, it is an important discussion to have with people of interest.
Too many of us have or still jump into it thinking that all or enough of your problems are answered. As long as you’re waking up with someone next to you, the things you’re still haunted by don’t need to be addressed.
That’s so far from the truth, I’d still be sick of myself about the years where I thought like that. Thankfully I gave myself peace for what I didn’t know.
I also can’t fully agree with a quote on the lines of “you can’t find love unless you love yourself.” Not only for its narrowed idea of love, but for personally experiencing many types of it before believing self-love was possible.
As I said in the last entry, “comforts are allowed to change with time and experience.” That was towards friendship, and the same is true in romance.
The change can be strong enough to look back at people you thought you would miss. When the fire didn’t hurt because you were used to it. No matter how you’re freed from the fire, you’re left to nurse the damage.
Then you heal. Some nerve endings may return. Not enough to feel the same way, but the readjustment gives you new ways to walk through life. Ways to show yourself and others that the scars are not anchors, they’re lessons.
Now you’re seen and heard for what you learned from them. People love you for it in a way that might be new to you. It’s new because it’s matching the safety, passion, and confidence that comes from knowing you survived.
Knowing that you’re ready for a long-lasting love.
D.F.
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