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The ABC’s of being a POS: Intro
(Edited 08/09/2024)
Note: This upcoming series is for entertainment and educational purposes only. If you wish to learn more about mental health, abusive behaviors, and support, please talk to your primary physician’s office, or a licensed professional.
For emergencies, please call 911, or call 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Life is full of a healthy balance of people that deserve hugs or suplexes.
Sometimes both.
There’s a long list of examples of these people in both the past and present, public or private figures, and all types of relationships.
No matter what, the world has its shares of people that deserve attention as much as the others need to be starved from it.
This is dedicated to the second half.
By now you’ve assumed that the POS in the title does NOT mean “point of sale.” It means the other thing.
The one that made you think of a person or people who could understand physical actions more than a sentence about their behavior.
And even though one word or phrase will sometimes be used for each letter, they are not limited to them.
Consider each one a gateway into others that, like the ones chosen here, are tied to each other, and will be mentioned and even repeated within most of them.
So, if you or someone you know is a POS, and you’re looking for how to increase your villain potential, you’ve come to the wrong place.
After all, what better way to talk about the tricks and tips in ways that match your actions towards your targets/marks?
No matter what, remember this quote as this journey begins:
“If it hurts you, it’s about you.”
-Kingston Priest
P.S. – It is understood that there are those with undiagnosed or misdiagnosed mental conditions which will have similar behaviors mentioned here. This is in no way meant to offend them, or their related parties. This project is dedicated to those who choose to behave certain ways that deserve to be spoken about.
First: Animosity
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Surviving the Game
(Updated 5/25/2023)
Some people, especially families, have ways to remind you that the more you change and break from them, the more they’ll stay the same.
It gets tiring to run around them in circles, run through them, or sneak around waiting to have the freedom you’ve fought for.
The depths of how venomous they can be without trying may wear you down. Hiding your issues that you know they’ll take advantage of, even lying to protect your peace.
And no matter how close or far they are, you’re targeted. No matter how much they prop you up privately or socially, you always will be. All because you’re not complying with things tied to trauma, selfishness, and ignorance.
And the more it piles on, the more you risk going out of your new or growing character. You may want to fight someone. Break something, or things. Scream somewhere.
“Opt-out” sooner.
That last one is the scariest. You risk them telling how much you were loved, and wished they knew what was wrong. When in reality, they did, and chances are they hated you for knowing it.
Either in exposure or how you walked differently in life, they hated knowing that someone, or a few people in a group structure, refused to feed into uncomfortable behavior, and not be the toxic source to others.
And if you’re like me, writing these out in every way you can, you want it to stop.
You want everything that you express to mean something to them, most of all. To want them to change, to hold themselves accountable for once, because you, and others in agreement, are tired of doing it.
But you see how deep the pain is accepted and celebrated. You see how well most others may come together to face you. How their collective knowledge about you will shape a defense of their issues, while offending you with yours.
Whether or not the idea of their unity is driven by anxiety and/or facts of the past, you feel moments of snapping coming up. As if it’s the only way to let them know that they did wrong. Because words haven’t, and with some, never will work.
But the “victim card” will be stronger to play towards anyone outside of the circle, and the last thing they deserve is another victory at the expense of your sanity.
It’s your turn to win now. How you choose to must be chosen wisely.
D.F.
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A Low Down Dirty Shame
(Title themes until the end of February: Black-led films and shows/freestyle.)
It’s one thing to mourn the loss of someone passing away. But have you ever mourned the loss of respect you had for someone?
Yes, they’re still alive, but any positive feelings you may have received about them are gone.
It could be because of views that they hold which are tied to the harm of others, even yourself. Or the repeated way they treat you when no one is looking. Picking fights with you about where you’re lacking as a lover, or a son.
Even dismissing your experiences with traumatic people in your life, stating you should “grow up and move on.”
And other heartless behaviors that could have, or did hurt you or people you care for.
It doesn’t matter how you are or were connected.
You’re done.
And it’s expressed either quietly, or to their face.
They may even dare to say something to rile you up if you’re associated in a group setting, but do your best not to fall for it.
“Don’t feed the trolls,” as the internet-friendly phrase goes.
If they dare to come back to you as if nothing happened, remind them and send them away. If they return with a genuine apology, it’s fine to accept it, but keep the barrier up at your comfort.
They must remember what they’ve created, revived, or updated to prevent them, or anyone like them, to come back so easily.
On second thought, there is a positive feeling that comes from them.
They helped you recognize where the relationship has been, and needs to be, in order to reset your boundaries. While the experiences leading to it aren’t ever asked for, how else are we meant to process and protect the person we truly value most?
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Count Your Blessings
CW: Religion themed link
How I’ve managed the past and present trauma, and how I’ve used it to communicate with people, is something I don’t always sit and give myself respect for.
I feel like I fall into the patterns of working on so many real world situations that I can and will change, ones removed from the trauma work. But then comes the reminders during those periods that show how I used to handle matters, versus how I do now.
It can scare the people that are comfortable with my complacency and submissions. It can have them attack me in ways I’ll never see coming. They know that the emotional leash over me has been loosening, and they’ve grown to love the grip.
But I keep going. Every way I can, I’m going.
I do it with the thought of the ones closest to me who manage their own experiences in similar or different ways. I do my best to not compare my current status to theirs, even if and when the facts are weaponized against me.
Even if there’s a part of me that wants to believe that I deserved the attack, I remind myself where that idea comes from, and how my desire to never repeat it strengthens by the day, and more by any current experiences.
And as a pastor once said, “the facts aren’t final.”These are the blessings that I have to remember to count when taking in emotional inventory.
If you relate to any of it, please do the same.
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Fire Fight
No matter how young or old they are, narcissists will always have something ready to say about you. But they’d rather keep it in the chamber ready to fire, should someone test their armor by bringing up their own hurtful behavior.
I’ve recently been reminded how deep of a problem this is. Young or old, or they’re blood by either biology, bond or law, they’ll fire back when prompted.
When they are hit with their behavior, they’ll do anything to reflect the pain right back. Their words hit different when you’ve known them for a certain time, hearing more praises than critiques. The latter are more like pellets being tossed, versus the hollow points they stockpile.
So when the shots are given, dodge what you can, but take the time to heal from the pain of anything that hits. Even if nothing does, the assault itself causes more damage than they’ll ever admit to.
If anything, they’ll be proud of doing it. If there’s any remorse from it, you’ll never see it. If you do, by that point their existence may mean nothing to you.
No matter how close they are, limit their vantage points.
Dismantle their camps.
By all means, do not rally a defense against them.
Let that come naturally, if at all.
As easy as that last one it, it’s a bad look. If I did or do that, I’d be no better than the inspiration of another post. One which I now see as a convenient reminder not to get on that level again.
If you do, and if I do, we’ll fall harder than the hurt and even cynical parts of us wishes the other party may deserve to.
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The Accountant
In the healing process, expect to be reminded of all the things you wish you said at times people hurt you. They can be the mental receipts your mind and body will react to in any moment outside of that event.
You might even think of what you could have done in response. Responses that could result in having a record. If/when you’re caught in a hypothetical sense, that is.
The cynical side of me says that only a few people deserved, or still deserve that. The other side says that you don’t deserve the consequences.
“You’re too pretty for jail,” is one of many mantras of mine.
They may wonder why you stay away. Why you unfollow, unfriend, block their account or phone number. Even if you don’t do any of that, a simple “hello” is best given to people that don’t do the things that have them end up on a particular list.
And if they feel any remorse for what they’ve done, they’ll feel your distance. More so if there was a time where you couldn’t go days or weeks without talking extensively about one thing, or nothing. You’ve found new people to do that with. People that won’t trigger what they’ve done, and possibly still do.
The sting of your absence can even have them sit with the stuff you don’t know that they did, and at that point there’s no need for you to know. You’ve enough evidence to move forward and close the account.
Just make sure you’re also in a place to recognize if or when it’s done to you.
Sometimes you may never know what you did to earn it. If you do know, much like them, you’ll find it hard to speak to them without apologizing for the distant or recent past.
And it can work both ways where, to paraphrase a meme, the offense is forgiven, but access is now denied.So long as you know that you’re capable of harm that’s worth the cutoff(s), and do your best to not be that person anymore, you’ll do fine.
As my last entry stressed, you’ve been around people like that long enough.
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Don’t Say a Word
Sometimes I believe that the more you talk about the healing and even imply what you’re healing from, the audience you have can shape who wants to engage with you beyond “likes” and “comments.” That’s assuming you’re connected to them on social platforms.
I have a good amount of those on multiple. It’s hard to tell who’s paying attention and appreciative, versus who’s waiting for an opening to talk about something outside of mental health topics.
And I admit to doing that with a small amount of others in the past, and likely the present unintentionally. But they’re often the ones that know I’m doing my best to be removed from that behavior.
Double respect for those that have given me a chance to speak, long before I had a voice to comfortably project and protect.
Being around the others that refuse to hear even one word of criticism can alter your voice, too. From that, you risk becoming the embodiment of their hurt. You learn how to kill someone’s spirit before their body fades.
But you can’t do it to the sources, no matter who they are. Your silence means more to them than your progress. Especially when that progress is to ultimately stay away from them.
If they cared about who you are, what you’re fighting, who you fought, and why, they’ll pay attention and listen without malice. And it takes time to learn who’s speaking from, and listening with compassion, or who’s speaking to seek, or regain control over you.
But if you stay quiet around the right people, you’ll know who are the best ones to keep around.
D.F
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Black Sheep
There was a time where the New Year was a chance to mentally cleanse yourself of the things and people you gained or want distance from. When some of those are family related, it gets harder to navigate around.
You can love your sibling but are disgusted by their partner for how they’ve talked to you.
Your parent(s) can continue to associate with people they’ve complained to you about, and you’re “forced” to be cordial with in specific settings.
Some of your extended family can even vary between distrust and uncertainty.
The time you’ve taken to heal and recount the trauma and stress from all of it can have your boundaries, and wavering filters make you look like a villain in their eyes.
And when they’ve repeatedly proven that they’re beyond accountability, or when they delete offensive comments made directly about you, they wonder why you’ve limited or denied them access.
Most may even wonder why they don’t hear “I love you” back in the same strength as them. Not when their version of the phrase is set to excuse them of any judgment, and yours is said to keep an uncomfortable peace.
The New Year always deserves a better introduction. One that helps you celebrate what you’ve done to recognize the painful patterns, and why to continue refusing its adoption.
Even if you’re like me, and once served as a continuation of those pains, know that while they can’t be returned to sender, they can be recycled.
Why else would I be five consecutive months into this blog?
D.F. -
We’re Back!
I will do my best to make this short, because there’s still plenty of topics to (re)visit as time goes on. This is just a way to let you know I’m still here, and not stopping unless I have to. Even if I have to alter the schedule for any reason.
For now, if you’re still given the time to rest before getting back to your own set schedule, please do. Every aspect of your health depends on it.
Take care, and Happy New Year to you all.
D.F. -
The Good Place
No matter what you celebrate, if anything, this is always the season to look back at any time you’ve had to prioritize your emotional health. Utilize that knowledge every way you can, and become firm in your boundaries.
The time I’ve been granted time to do this is one that I can’t praise enough. Stresses outside of producing this considered, writing my thoughts out when speaking it often betrays me was a long time coming. Even if the time to continue doing it becomes limited as the weeks go by, the steps I took to get this far are ones I look back on and thank myself for.
That heavily includes the “Letter to My Younger Self” arc, which got this whole thing started.
Even when I think I’ve run out of things to say, something always comes up to spark inspiration. Or even a reminder things I wanted to speak about, or extend thoughts on previous topics, at risk of repetition.
And even with it being a week away towards my fifth month of this page, I know there’s more to talk about that can switch between here, and another project I started that’s inspired by previous posts. And everything said has helped communicate with people better than ever. In text or in person. Good or bad.
I’d say on the phone, but not many do that anymore.
As I’ve said time and again, thank you for showing up and engaging with me, whether it’s on here or elsewhere. I have other posts lined up for February, so you can expect me to show up even next month, too.
No matter what you celebrate, or not, I wish you peace in the last days of the year.
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Peacemaker
Knowing when to walk away from a debate or a full-on fight is important. Whether it’s in-person or online, sometimes your peace means more than stating your opinion to someone, or even a group.
This can get deeper when you’re in favor of the rights and liberties of all people, regardless if you’re a member of communities discussed in any debate.
Sometimes, the air can be cleared when all parties can speak to each other that doesn’t trigger ideas of passive aggression, deflection, and undermining one’s views.
For the others, nothing means more to them than having the final say in something you’re at odds about.
Don’t fall for it.
Let your silence be the answer they deserve.
And don’t give them the courtesy of saying they’re right just to end the fight, at the cost of burying your feelings. They love that.
Don’t fall for the traps of “manning up,” “stop being a….,” “don’t you have something to say,” or other fine instigations, especially the ones in your head. Those are the voices of people that need to win. If they’re on the outside looking into your matter, they’re the ones that thrive on chaotic behavior.
If they corner you in any form, do what you must to get away and stay there, because in that case, the best person to keep the peace with is yourself.
D.F.
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