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The ABC’s of being a POS: Intro
(Edited 08/09/2024)
Note: This upcoming series is for entertainment and educational purposes only. If you wish to learn more about mental health, abusive behaviors, and support, please talk to your primary physician’s office, or a licensed professional.
For emergencies, please call 911, or call 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Life is full of a healthy balance of people that deserve hugs or suplexes.
Sometimes both.
There’s a long list of examples of these people in both the past and present, public or private figures, and all types of relationships.
No matter what, the world has its shares of people that deserve attention as much as the others need to be starved from it.
This is dedicated to the second half.
By now you’ve assumed that the POS in the title does NOT mean “point of sale.” It means the other thing.
The one that made you think of a person or people who could understand physical actions more than a sentence about their behavior.
And even though one word or phrase will sometimes be used for each letter, they are not limited to them.
Consider each one a gateway into others that, like the ones chosen here, are tied to each other, and will be mentioned and even repeated within most of them.
So, if you or someone you know is a POS, and you’re looking for how to increase your villain potential, you’ve come to the wrong place.
After all, what better way to talk about the tricks and tips in ways that match your actions towards your targets/marks?
No matter what, remember this quote as this journey begins:
“If it hurts you, it’s about you.”
-Kingston Priest
P.S. – It is understood that there are those with undiagnosed or misdiagnosed mental conditions which will have similar behaviors mentioned here. This is in no way meant to offend them, or their related parties. This project is dedicated to those who choose to behave certain ways that deserve to be spoken about.
First: Animosity
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Crossfire
I found myself in a debate recently that brings back the phrase “love the art, hate the artist.” I won’t say who this was in regards to, and honestly there’s centuries worth of examples, but I think about the divides this has brought on in modern years.
We have those that will throw everything about a person’s legacy away, over revelations often backed with proof that said artists may double down on.
Others who will do exactly as the quote implies, often backed by professionals who’ve had a stake in one’s specific art.
And the third group, those who dismiss an artist’s hurtful behaviors because “they’re funny,” “they (still) make good (product),” or “their (media) is/are my childhood.” *
It’s telling when you see what people will dare to defend. More so when they feel an artist can’t be judged for beliefs and actions that have ties to horrible crimes and self-harm/”opting-out.” It would be one thing if the artist(s) made it a point to be better than their beliefs, and be sincere about change.
If they don’t, naturally they won’t be short of supporters. Those of them we may call friends, family, lovers, etc., they can risk earning the same, or greater level of judgment.
Choose your side wisely. Who and what you lose in that choice may not be worth it.
D.F.
*Forgive me if there’s a fourth I’m not considering, outside of anyone that are apathetic about celebrity news as a whole.
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The Prisoner
(Edited 12/26/2022)
I saw a person once say that anger is based on a place where you expected love and did not receive it. I can relate to that, all the way to how deep it can keep you locked into a place you’ve outgrown.
Dark thoughts have a way to keep us captive for a long time. Even when you find a way to quell them, they manifest into something else. Some outrageous possible event that’s a mix of what has happened and what could happen.
Your mind will make you think of millions of scenarios, sometimes with new ways to do the things you wish you said or did. Specifically in moments where a lack of safety and mistrust existed, combined with similar instances with the same people.
Anxiety and depression are the wardens that can feel hard to escape from, but they can be beaten.
Growing to the point of escaping the sources of those feelings can be helpful. Even while you’re in the environments that cause them, any positive tethers you may have are vital to keeping you set on your goals.
It doesn’t matter who the sources are. Family by blood or in spirit will have their influences. The same with past and present lovers. But your work to break free from them, combined with the boundaries you’ll set against them, will make the tears and screaming all worth it.
You’ll breathe again. Just stay on the path those darker feelings, and the people that project them, want to blind you from. Because nothing hurts their pride more than you walking into your purpose.
D.F
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In Search Of…
Sometimes you find something after you rest or quit looking for it. It’s as true for life-changing positive moments as it can be for an everyday object.
When you find it, it always happens at the right time. Like looking for something important before leaving for a meeting early.
You find it and leave later than expected, only to learn that the route you normally take was blocked because of construction, or a major accident.*
They also have a habit of finding you. Not just because you were bent on finding it, but because you took time to breathe. There were other things to grow on before that one thing popped up in sight. One thing being your overall health, not just the mental side.
For me, there have been many financial issues in the past few months, more than I’d like to remember. But pursuing better employment, among other things, required times to rest from searching for it. It wasn’t easy to sift through scams or read more rejections than proposals, but you push onward until you need to relax.
Then, you start up again. But not without looking back at all the growth gained in those down times.
It’s okay to scream, cry, and even safely hit something to air out your frustrations. As a close friend told me, “nothing is wrong with you.” We’re all working to evolve within a system designed to reward conformity, and scrutinize individuality.
You’re doing perfectly fine in your resting states, as you are in your hunts for comfort and stability.
Whether it’s an email about a job opportunity, an approval on your new home, or a good word from a beloved connection, it takes more than hard work to receive it. It takes time to appreciate the things you have and were given during the free time you give yourself, as well as what was unexpectedly given to you.
It’s kind of like the “watched pot never boils” line. Just make sure you’re in the room when it whistles for you to come and get it.
D.F.
*This has happened to me many times. Happened again the day before this entry, which partly inspired it.
(edited 12/15/2022)
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G vs. E
Some people will make you believe that there’s only two sides of things, a dark and a light. Nothing in-between, no moderation allowed. Us against “them,” whoever they are, or whoever one side wants you to believe is the “villain.”
They’ll make you believe that being “gray” is foolish and indecisive. They don’t care if it’s a place to make sense of the madness that both sides are putting on each other and themselves.
The gray ones are often outnumbered, but are rarely unmoved in their stance. It’s because they can see the rights and wrongs of both sides more clearly, and hope that they can see the same thing.
But those extreme sides are hard to change. They’ve been their ways for so long, doing anything different will shake them. One side must always rule. They feel that if you disagree, you’re no better than their enemy.
I’ve seen similar cases with the emotionally healed and unhealed.
The healed ones can either be relaxed about their knowledge and journey, or the others that will boast about their inner work. The latter can risk sounding no better than the unhealed ones that are confronted with any of their wrongs, down to using remixed gaslighting and deflection techniques.
The calm ones that are doing the spiritual work, they may not bother having both parties see their errors. They can see who’s authentic about their journey and trials, and instead choose to vibe with them.
They have the right to choose peace, because they’ve survived enough wars within themselves to not care about external reminders and influences.
The calmer healers will still have their moments of backsliding, though. It’s human to forget sometimes who we are, and who we want to be that’s far removed from the unhealed days. They’re far from bad for it, but even they need a reminder of why they started the healing.
Take the time to recognize what side you’re on in the mental health realm. It’s not too late to change your mind to be a safe space for others, just like it’s not an infarction to wave your flag of progress in other’s faces accidentally.
Stay vigilant, and others will come along with you.
D.F.
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The Amazing Race
At some point in life, you realize that be pace that you have set for yourself was one that was forced on to you by others that feel that you should keep up with them.
If not just with them, then their demands to have something completed in a set time. People that disregard that you are doing enough for them and yourself, and wish you to “step up” to their demands, or have sharp, one-word replies about your needs and wants.
And they wonder why you grow more distant from them, or display a sense of anger when you’re around them. And the longer you’ve been submissive to them, the more reason they will reject your need to be away. To walk, or even crawl in the race that you want to move in for yourself.
But you still take those first steps. First they hurt, then you keep moving until the pain is more of a nuisance than a barrier. They’re going to hate the amount of self-love that you’ve generated in that time, especially as a quiet counterpoint of their corrupted definition of “love.”
The people that care for you the most, ones that have seen and felt the changes you have been making, they won’t judge you for how fast you do it. They’re not counting your steps, or the calories that you’re burning. They only care that you are taking those steps needed to get where you want to be and deserve to be.
When you ask for help or advice, they’ll be the ones who are glad you did. Because even they know that so few can go alone in this marathon of the heart and soul.
No matter who wants to keep up with you, root you on, or who leaves you behind because you’ve outgrown them, keep going. Not to say that you won’t leave others behind, either. Truthfully, that may be the only weight loss that matters in this trek of yours.D.F.
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The Middle
Have you ever found yourself caught between other people’s problems? Specifically ones that you may have even minimal connection to?
And this isn’t always a moment where you step into a situation you know is bad. I also mean the ones where someone comes to you and gives you detailed reasons you shouldn’t talk to another person you’re connected to.
Sometimes things aren’t your business, even when you know someone is wrong once you know the full story. Other times, action should be taken on the person wishing to have you join the ranks of being anti-player 2. Even more if what they’re saying about P2 is like what’s been said about them at some point.
The world is messy enough for people who are trying to live through their own drama. Someone attempting to drag you into their own, regardless if they know you personally or not, is not always a great idea, either. It can be worse if they give you the old “join me or lose me” talk, to which sometimes it’s worth cutting them off anyway, if ultimatums are going to be are on the table.
Take your time in choosing whose side you’ll take in any situation thrown on you. Even if you choose your own side just to remain at some peace with the multiples involved, your reasons can remain yours. If they demand a reason after that, do what you have to in order to protect your peace. You may earn a new enemy, but your dignity is top priority.
D.F.
PS, Pardon the lateness.
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Alias
I’ve gone under several pseudonyms online and in different work settings, all to protect my identity from strangers and other kinds of threats I’d like to not revisit.
For this blog, I had to assume a different one because this would, and has from the start, talked about people ad events that deserve attention in a different light. Ones that will know that most topics are about them once it connects to me.
Part of me felt like this was an insurance policy. If something were to happen to me, enough people who know who I am outside of here can speak about what I left behind.
I have questioned what type of backlash would come of it, even if/when my “cover is blown.” Even more if I’m still living where I currently do. It’s hard to predict the acts of toxic people, no matter how long you’ve known or even lived with them. But it’s not stopping another version of the truth to come out.
If it did, I wouldn’t be here writing it for as long as I have.
No matter how you identify yourself in telling a personal story that means something to you, don’t let anxiety or fear stop you from sharing it. They thrive off your silence. Them believing that you’re keeping it in, when you’ve done anything but, might be what saves you from any level of harm they’re capable of.
And how sad is it that people will threaten your safety because of telling your truth? We’ve seen it in movies and through public figures how that plays out. Even they can’t serve as a template for reasons your past must stay buried inside you.
Write it, draw it, shout it, even if it’s only for you and not the public. Just as long as it’s done. It’s a way to take your power back, and too many of us have felt weak long enough.
D.F.
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The X-Files
As much as you wish to avoid it, you’re always reminded of the people you romantically gave your heart to. It could be by a song you made exclusive to your time together, a restaurant you two went to, or an activity that no one else wanted to do with you but that one, or several partners.
That’s why making new memories with people is key. Doesn’t always have to be a new lover. It can be with those platonic connections that can help you realize what you want in the next relationship, if you want one at all.
Ignore the people that will bring any of your exes up. They may still have a picture of you and your ex on their phone, or slyly talk about something funny they once did. Whatever their reasons for resurfacing them, let them live in a past you have outgrown.
If you want to be snarky, you can say that if they miss them so much, they can date them 🙂
If for some reason you still think of an ex, don’t beat yourself up about it. The reasons for breakups vary in strength, but sometimes one or both parties can still care for one another. Yet, they have their reasons to stay away and not just move on, but move forward.
It’s only then that the lessons learned from those periods will prove fruitful. Even more if you’re holding yourself accountable on any wrongs that were done to them. That way, the next “love of your life” can be called that without fear of being wrong again.
D.F.
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The Glass House
The thing about sharing space with a narcissist is that you never know what can come up next. Living with one or several can be like an unmarked minefield. Only instead of an instant end, you’re hurt a bit on the inside.
That pain doesn’t go away, either. You do your best to reroute it and not let it get in the way of your goals and passions. But sometimes that pain is what can help drive you to achieve them.
The inspiration these moments can cause are just as important to one’s growth as the happier times. Even if, in the rare case, the happy times are caused by the people that gave you hurtful ones. They may make you feel that there’s some good in them to root or pray for, but it’s best to save those cheers and prayers for yourself and others like you.
D.F.
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Reflections
Their ignorance is not my truth.
Their insecurities are not my truth.
Their pain is theirs to bear,
And not mine to believe.This was a mantra I created based on a recent event, where one toxic person compared to another one who can still hurt them in some ways.
Of course it stung, and I’m certain there will be a time where that will be expressed. Not that it would amount to anything but them doubling down on their beliefs. But I have to remember that, if left alone with their choices, results can vary for anyone reflecting on their painful actions, if they do at all.Narcissists will do their best to deflect their faults onto any target. If they do it to family, they expect a version of love to remain intact afterwards. That can be true for friends and lovers, too. Meanwhile, someone doing the healing work refuses to ignore the cracks in that logic, and similar to what I said above, they will act accordingly.
They’ve more than earned the right to sit in their painful patterns, and they’ll do what they can to make you a pincushion or a punching bag for them. But the more you know who you are outside of their words, the better you’ll be for it, and the further you’ll walk and stay away from their projectors. Both in spirit, and in physical space.
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