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The ABC’s of being a POS: Intro
(Edited 08/09/2024)
Note: This upcoming series is for entertainment and educational purposes only. If you wish to learn more about mental health, abusive behaviors, and support, please talk to your primary physician’s office, or a licensed professional.
For emergencies, please call 911, or call 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Life is full of a healthy balance of people that deserve hugs or suplexes.
Sometimes both.
There’s a long list of examples of these people in both the past and present, public or private figures, and all types of relationships.
No matter what, the world has its shares of people that deserve attention as much as the others need to be starved from it.
This is dedicated to the second half.
By now you’ve assumed that the POS in the title does NOT mean “point of sale.” It means the other thing.
The one that made you think of a person or people who could understand physical actions more than a sentence about their behavior.
And even though one word or phrase will sometimes be used for each letter, they are not limited to them.
Consider each one a gateway into others that, like the ones chosen here, are tied to each other, and will be mentioned and even repeated within most of them.
So, if you or someone you know is a POS, and you’re looking for how to increase your villain potential, you’ve come to the wrong place.
After all, what better way to talk about the tricks and tips in ways that match your actions towards your targets/marks?
No matter what, remember this quote as this journey begins:
“If it hurts you, it’s about you.”
-Kingston Priest
P.S. – It is understood that there are those with undiagnosed or misdiagnosed mental conditions which will have similar behaviors mentioned here. This is in no way meant to offend them, or their related parties. This project is dedicated to those who choose to behave certain ways that deserve to be spoken about.
First: Animosity
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42
This number means a lot today. It will, when I reach that age, as well. It’s not far off, but it’s something to look forward to given the progress made in the last five months that led to this entire blog.
I spend a lot of time thinking about the future. Sometimes more than what’s considered healthy.
Often those thoughts come with the idea of specific opponents tying to reroute me the way they always had, just so they can save face and remain in some idea of control over me.
But the more I think and thought of them, the less I think of what’s being built to be far off from thinking these “what if” scenarios.
Some can say that it can bar the unseen progress from coming your way. But if you’re like me, you may think about how the progress being unseen is too hard to wait for, and if anything you’re doing is worth the effort you’ve put so much of your soul, joy, rage, and often your real tears into.
That’s why these thoughts can be so tricky and volatile. Especially when you’ve lived with them for so long, the brain may knock you back into that cell of anxiety. You know the type, where you have blissful moments of what you want your life to look like, and in comes the TI* generated voice that puts you at risk of backsliding on your goals.
This blog has been a huge goal. One that’s been in the making in the mix of giving into guilt trips, passive aggression, and fake tears of broken people. People who may feel that their time is up, so mine should be, too.
“Keep them miserable so I feel better” is a constant mood of theirs, for sure. It’s just taken a long time to believe and act on no longer making that my belief as well.
But better a long time, than never taking that time at all.
- D.F.
P.S – *TI, short for “Trauma Intelligence,” my play on Artificial Intelligence.
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Disturbing Behavior
Society is heavy on curiosity. It’s what moves the creation of life changing, and life saving products, while also mastering the art of planned obsolescence.
It also helps people learn who they want to be, despite others telling you who you should be, often based on a narrow scope of life.
My appearance has been rooted in questions or statements about sports, or being someone’s bodyguard when they’re famous. To the first point, when asked what team did I play for, I’ve answered “the Frequently Stereotyped.”
So far it hasn’t caused problems.
But even when I wrote this, there were triggering ideas of what could happen in that case, often blended with times and locations where people needed to be talked to more bluntly.
I also think of others that may face similar eye-rolling moments about their appearance alone. I know of one woman who was like me, who got a nickname that was offensive in it defining them by their anatomy.
Why people grow up acting like that’s universally “cool” should be beyond me, but I have a guess. It’s because of someone being raised where they’re not told that not everyone acts like that, or worse. Otherwise I wouldn’t be speaking on it negatively like I have since I started the whole blog.
Because of that, the guess is relatable.
There were a lot of behaviors I had to unlearn on my own, which come from a series of missteps that I didn’t want to repeat on other people. Which sadly includes calling them outside their name, like the last example did to my friend. As well as others that I’ve made light of before.
I get it though. Some people are built to riff or label others as a sign of respect. But respect can come from calling them by the name they were given, or gave themselves. Or not coming up to them saying “wow you’re _____” like the others have in the past and present.
If you tell them to stop that and they continue, move on from them. If you’re one that does it and refuses to stop after telling you to, good luck with that. Or as some would say in another clean sense, “bless your heart.”
Life is full of enough triggering actions, and we could do better not adding ones like that onto each other.
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Redemption
“Changed behavior is an apology.”
It’s a quote that I got reminded of last week as I talked with a friend I haven’t seen in a while. I recalled periods where I knew for a fact that I wasn’t the greatest person to them, and may have come off a certain way when we last met before they moved away. I apologized for the times, and they were chill about it, stating that it was long ago and past it all.It made me think about the others that I felt the need to apologize to for who I was. Even though the moments I can think of range from a few years ago or more, I can think of how the guilt from them helped shape the decisions I made to be better.
Now I’m reminded of a character quote: “Don’t be sorry. Be better.”
That happens a lot. It’s to be expected, since this page is named after one.
I’m glad I had the moment with that friend. I probably won’t have that with everyone I can think of, and some of us are better off as distant memories. So long as what’s happened between me and them are “lessons instead of anchors,”* I assure my future will be charged in comfort.
*Quoting myself, for a change 🙂
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Knowing
Before I start, take a few minutes to listen to this. In-video captions are mostly correct.
This audio served as one of a series of inspirations for starting this blog. I can’t remember the exact year it was when I first heard it, but it was well over fifteen years ago.
Even as I write this, I feel a bit of sadness again for the person I was back then. Having the mind to relate to it, yet having one excuse after another, in not developing the courage to speak my truth.
But in so much as writing the notes that catalyzed the first nine posts, I was finally learning how to tell that hurt child it was not all in vain. Though no one, including ourselves, deserved any form of DV, we, specifically my present and past selves, were now in a place to make something of those experiences.
To cut out the residual and blatant reminders of the war within us, and at any give house that we’re often forced to call “home.”
To remain accountable for each time we’ve hurt the ones we claimed to like and/or love. Both emotions inspired by the false idols of our upbringing.
To set boundaries and keep them strong, no matter the pressure.
And none of it is easy. Nothing worth it is.
And it’s safe to say that over three months of writing has helped me get over another important thing. That the people who project a positive image, yet will do all they can to silence the people that know who they are behind closed doors and inactive recording devices, deserve to be discussed.
More on that can be written later, but sticking with this topic, it’s helped me cope with many past events. Smile at and with the people meant to be in my life in place of those that, as the audio mentioned, made me feel alone. People that made me “feel so strange and ill at ease inside yourself.”
Much as I can say that many of us are too old for that, some elders stay there. People in our age ranged stay there.
When you learn how to leave them behind, you’ll breathe again, if not for the first time.
And if they try to resurface, it’s because they still think they know you.
Remind them in your rejection that they don’t, and never will again. All because you now know yourself.
You protect yourself better.
Most of all, you love yourself better.
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Warm Bodies
The dating environment has thankfully transformed over the years. Not just in how to do it, but in what’s no longer tolerated by individuals, and even more in society. While there are still opponents who celebrate the “old ways” of being a one nighter or a rebound, they are quick to put a target on their backs for those that support and practice respectable actions.
To a certain point, there is a one-stop method for dating someone, but each one that I can name can vary based on the quality of person you’re looking for. It really comes down to whether you’re looking for “fast food” satisfaction, or a gourmet meal for the body and soul.
Then you have the people that are eager to hook someone up. This can be inspired by many things, like the would-be matchmaker seeing a potential connection between the two. Works great if they’re not being weird or pushy about it.
Others may do it to live vicariously through someone else’s bliss, which could be harmless, but can also risk that matchmaker to ignore other means to put joy (back) into themselves, versus feeding off others.
My favorite type of connection has been the one you don’t see coming. The kind where you’re friendly with someone and feel a respectable platonic bond. Until a series of events leads you two to kiss the night away, and many more afterwards.
During those times, you grow closer in mind and spirt, making physical intimacy feel stronger than anything you’ve ever had before. When both parties are growing in similar ways in their separate lives, that natural connection is unbeatable, regardless of various factors like age, status, race, and more.
You also have to be careful with who you crush on. Make sure those feelings aren’t from some trauma bond-based desire for someone unavailable, no matter how many ways you two click. No two hearts work the same way, and you can’t or shouldn’t claim you love someone if you don’t respect their romantic rejection, which will not beat their love of you being “found family.” Doing the opposite of that can leave you lonelier than one’s ego will admit to, and the last things us healing folk want to do it mimic the root sources of our pain.
For a bit of bluntness, if someone isn’t willing to do the inner work and assume that someone’s life would be better with a romantic partner, check them if they do that in your face. I’ve brought this type of thing up in a slightly different way, but still rings well in broader senses.
The heart, in all of its ways, is constantly being tested through all of our past and present connections. With dating, it should be approached with care and respect, while honoring what others feel about it in their own lives.
Never settle for what is less than you’ve grown to desire, no matter who or how many dare to shame you for it. Because the one that is right for you, especially yourself, would never do that to you.
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What We Do in the Shadows
Shadow work is difficult, yet rewarding. The concept of it is simple to talk about, but the execution and consistency with it can prove challenging.
It takes taking to that “dark” side of you to make sense of those triggers. Like if someone brings up money issues with you, it can be more than just another layer of their emotional/domestic abuse. It can also be a deep awareness of how careless you’ve been with money in the past, leading you in a situation of unsettling co-dependence.
Heart-related matters that are based on your own hurtful actions to people of romantic or intimate interest, or those you’ve had official relationships with.
It can solely involve recognizing behavioral patterns that are based on negative root sources. Some friends, mostly family, there’s always a place of origin for those things you want to combat.
When the shadow part of you is left unchecked, there are risks. Lashing out in private, doing and saying things rooted in rage that, as mentioned in the last post, can leave you doing things that can’t be undone. Even more so if you bring those actions towards anyone.
They may, or outright do, deserve judgment. Even conviction and sentencing. But you don’t deserve the consequences by giving it to them another way.
That’s why it’s important to come to terms with that part of you that had to hide for so long. Taking those first steps are as difficult as the ones you’ve taken in learning other new things.
But if you’ve made to the end of this post, and have been with my blog long enough to relate to my expressions of doing the same work, then like me, you’re already on a great path.
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Scream
There are many ways we can de-stress about things that bother us. It can be in any form of art (drawing, writing, dancing, etc.), or exercise (cleaning, weightlifting, running, etc.), and other ways that deserve discussion, in time.
But when was the last time you grabbed something soft to scream into?
I don’t remember for myself, but not only did it hurt to talk for a while, but it helped. The reason I did it is lost to me, but guaranteed it’s based on anything that I first started this blog on. *
There are so many points in our lives that bring us to the point of yelling at anything and anyone without a filter. It can lead to hurtful things that can’t be repaired easily or taken back once done.That can apply to material and verbal action, which reminds me of the crumpled paper analogy. If you’re new to it, it’s when you ball a paper up, then smooth it out, aware that it’ll never be the same shape after being put through such stress.
Fortunately, crafty creatives of all types can work with the wrinkles and the damage.
There are still those times in-between or outside the ways to calm down. Where those choices aren’t readily available, or even when they are, they’re not enough. It doesn’t mean they don’t work, it can mean that you your ways are requesting backup. And sometimes that involves giving your vocal chords some action.
Be ready for the physical pain and tears that could follow. The overwhelming desire to have someone hold you close as you recover, or hold something when all you have is yourself.Hugging yourself is another wonderful means, because there’s that part of you that was so deeply hurt and unheard, and the only person who gets you and comfort you is you.
This goes especially for those of us who’ve been on the healing path for a good time now, only to have an extra layer of the trauma appear that wasn’t explored before. They can sneak up on you at the most inconvenient times, and can lead to the immediate choice to scream right in that moment.
No one deserves to live with so much stress and anxiety winding up in them. You deserve to detox with a good vocal cooldown. You owe it to yourself to find that inner peace, and it’s important to never do it to anyone that doesn’t deserve it. Even the ones that do aren’t worth your time.
Judgment for those moments can last longer than the time it may or will take you to realize how bad that was. Which reminds me of another statement, how a second of calming down can prevent a lifetime of regret.
With that said, please scream responsibly.
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Memento
Something I’ve imagined being asked about this blog is “who are you doing this for?” Some of the other W’s would fit here, but there’s an answer for them.
I do it for the part of me that others wanted to keep buried. The ones that claim they love you until you call them out to their face about their faults, especially ones that multiple people can confirm.
I do it for people that need the jumpstart to do the same by any means, so long as it doesn’t cause harm. I’m not so self-centered to believe I’m the only one that can, but for those close to me, perhaps it will to them, too. It’s also okay if it’s not because of me, too.
I’m speaking to the parts of me that are tired of the repetitions in my head of times I was/am emotionally abused by people that may still feel it’s the only way to live, ignoring their decaying within themselves, and their victims.
I also love the idea of having many of these deeper thoughts left behind of me. Something to state that everything I’ve even said, felt, and done, had meaning to it. That nothing was in vain, no matter how selfish or ignorant I was in younger, submissive days.
And I do it to say “thank you,” both in words and action. Thank you for listening to me, and sometimes advising me how to show that I’m not only thankful, but in cases truly mean that apology that’s either hard to say or won’t be heard.
Not everyone who questions your motives is doing so out of potential judgment or ridicule. Those that do are often scared of being the source of your commentary, which leads to a classic line, “if it hurts you, it’s about you.”
The other side is okay, whether they’re your cheerleaders, or advocating better mental and/or spiritual health. Some will be both. So long as the work is done, and it doesn’t stop there.
And it’ll be a long time before I stop, too.
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Smile
When was the last time you got a full time to rest? To laugh at memes, jokes, or with loved ones?
Do you give yourself time to do it after work, since joy on the clock is allowed within time and content limits?
Was it drilled into you by family and peers that “hustle culture” is the only thing that matters?
To the last question, it doesn’t.
Some of us are having a time finding something that’s steady enough to maintain vital payments, yet gives you the time to breathe and enjoy yourself. Some even fear taking that major job will sacrifice that important artistic time they cherish, whether they create it or are entertained by it.
I’ve had to remind myself that I’d still be an artist once that time came throughout multiple seasons, including this one. While I’m not without, I’m grateful for the time I’ve had to process what’s been in my heart, but rarely had the time or courage to express in a public or private space.
We all need our time to recover from a period of burying the rougher emotions. It deserves more open conversations about how that can effect our overall health, and how it can create and enhance levels of anxiety and depression.
The time is also needed to reconnect with people that mean the most to us, whether it’s a video shared linked to their interests, or if it’s a minimal “hello, I hope all is well.” Memes and videos connected to inside jokes are a huge plus. All of that goes a long way to people who feel they’re a burden or a bother, despite any reminders of the opposite.
There’s more to life than work, sleep, cry, repeat. The little bits to brighten your mood, and even life, can empower you while being contagious around the right people.I don’t mean to come off like working a job isn’t important. It is. But taking the time to appreciate life’s genuine comforts deserves the same attention.
Make sure that’s the case with you, as well.
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The Brighter the Picture 